"If I become anther, dig me up from what is covering the better part of me"

Throughout the many chapters of my life I have sometimes come to question the value of my relationships. This is not in the sense of what other people, mean to me, but what I, as a person mean to myself, and how I let that sense dictate my relationships with the men that come into and out of my life. For as long as I can remember I have always shied away from serious relationships and commitments. I tell myself of how bad I am at relationships and how I am a cheater, and I am incapable of love. At first I began to tell myself these things as a comfort to why my relationships always seem to fail - I mean the only constant feature of all your failed relationships is you, correct? I am a constant feature - a self fulfilling prophecy. I get scared at the idea of feelings, and I don't know how to compromise. Eventually I guess i noticed that there is some truth to these beliefs.

Through the progression of scum bags and sleaze balls that has been marching into and out of my home and my life, over the past 8 years or so, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be loved. that I don't want anyone... Me and relationships just don't work out. Now I see it for what it really is - I subconsciously gravitate toward men who have nothing in common with me so that I know I have a reason to end it. In this same manner, I find that I choose men who are looking for the same...

I tell myself that I am just not the kind of girl you date... I'm good for a fling, or to go out and have some fun, but that I personally don't possess the qualities needed to make someone want to love me. I don't know how I started to let myself believe this. I, in all my confidence, and fire allowed myself to feel cheap and devalued by too many years of only meeting the kind of individuals that thrive on selfishness and power. I'm ashamed of myself. The same qualities that I love so much in myself and seek so deeply in others are the things that make me believe that I am not good enough to hold onto the attention of another. I don't understand why.

I am spontaneous, and wild. I live everyday of my life as if the world will end tomorrow. I love to go out and meet new people. I am outgoing, and exciting, yet by society's definitions I am a gamble to love. I have even had close friends of mine tell me that they would be afraid to love me because they need to know that the person they fall for isn't going anywhere, I can't give them that. Some people need stability... My personal vendetta is in those who refuse to learn that there is more to me than bars and boobs. The me that I share with my friends is compassionate and feeling. I am talented and thoughtful, I am not just some dumb chick you met at the bar. I am disappointed with that I allowed myself to be anyone's second best.

For as long as I can remember I allowed myself to be held by men with no aspirations, or who had girlfriends who i didn't know about. Men who only call to hang out for drinks at night but never attempt to see me during the day, or others who want to continue to see me but never to date. I feel like I am the girl who occupies your time while you look for someone to love. I have been getting the crap end of relationships for as long as I can remember - listening to all the nice things they have done for girls in the past, but never having them done for myself, or finding the one broke idiot who can only afford to sit at his house watching movies unless I pay for us to do something else. I do this until I get fed up and stop answering phone calls and essentially disappear without explanation. I feel that if you need an explanation, you are too stupid to understand it anyway.

Dating is a game, I get that, and to be honest, I'm good at it - never allowing the other person to get the better of me - always keeping my guard up - expecting some sort of inexcusable behavior is waiting somewhere in the near future - and I'm usually right. I'm tired of inappropriate texts from my exes, or obnoxious comments from the ones I meet. I'm sick of the oblivion of an idiot who hasn't figured out that when I run into you and some blond in public when you are supposed to be out with me, I really don't want you to call me on Saturday night to get drinks. (And for the record to anyone who didn't know, No man has any honorable intentions when he calls a woman after 11pm asking to meet up - these intentions become even less honorable when he has been drinking).

I am DONE! Period! End of sentence! D-O-N-E DONE! I am worth more than drinks at 12am. I am more than a pair of double D's. I'm through with making the same mistakes over and over. DONE!

I know some of you reading this are thinking "oh wow she wants a relationship." Don't jump to any conclusions... I don't really know what I do want right now, all I know is what I don't. I'm not lonely by any means... I am living in my favorite city, surrounded by my closest friends. I get hugged, and encouraged, and told that I am loved. I am not lacking any love whatsoever. I simply woke up today and something in me just snapped. I realized that I am the reason my relationships never work out. I am the one who allows this to happen and I have no one to blame but myself. It is a mistake that I won't soon make again. I want to be as inspired and excited to see the person I date as I am to see my best friends. I want to be accepted, and valued for the uniqueness I possess. I don't want to tell someone all about me, I want them to put the puzzle together on their own. And until I meet someone who can do this for me, I don't want to be bothered at all. I'm making changes in my life as of today and I am finished being that obnoxious story of the wild girl in someone else's scrapbook that only takes up an eighth of the page...