There are places in this world that are beautiful without having to try. Blue-green waves crash along white sandy beaches. Mountains covered in green rise up out of the earth like tombstones reaching toward the heavens. The winds blow just perfectly whispering words of beauty into your soul. These are the places that we hold in our fantasies. They give us hope when we have none and inspire our broken wings to learn how to fly - so that we might escape our lives to spend eternity in places like this.
It helps me to sleep better to know that these places are out there. That even on the worst days of my life, these beautiful places exist. They hold no grudges and they keep no memories, and I have seen them.
I'm not sure where I am going next. I hold plenty of memories, and I carry the weight of a lifetime of trials and success, failure and heartbreak. I hold forgiveness in my heart, and grudges on my lips. I wouldn't leave any of it behind. I gave up paradise because the sunshine is never as beautiful as it is right after you have seen a little too much darkness. Still, I take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the world, right now, a beautiful sunset is setting over a place with no memories, and it's waiting for me when and if I should ever decide to return.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
I think I figured it out...
I have been feeling lonely lately. I have been having dreams about him, and thinking about him and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. I didn't spend that much time with him. We barely knew each other when it gets down to it, but we know each other's hearts, and that's what I couldn't get over... I don't know his favorite color or the names of all his extended family, but I know his heart, and he knew mine. I know the way he opened me up and made me abandon all of my insecurities. I know how he inspired me, and I watched him open up in front of me. I watched his caution melt away and his sense of adventure surface in a way that it never had before. He holds me responsible for this change. That makes me happy. I miss who I was when I was with him. I hate that I closed myself up again. I want to feel that vulnerable again. I want that rush.
I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.
I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Darkness
Once we have seen the darkness it stays with us forever. It may go away for years. We may change our lives and reinvent ourselves over and over again, but at sometime that old familiar pain creeps in and renders us helpless. Today is that day for me. And all I need is to get through til the end of the day so I can start over again...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined"
I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately about the things I want and where I want to be in my life. Earlier tonight I was having a conversation with my Roommate about this. He is apparently a big advocate of that book "The secret." For a long time I have believed in the power of energy and karma and affecting the world around us. The more positive energy I have put out the more I have gotten back. With nothing to lose I have decided to give it a try by first writing down my own story of the life I imagine myself happy in sometime in the near future - as though it has already happened. Here goes:
Well I am currently living in California. I spent months putting out resumes and applying for jobs , but It all paid off in the end. I work for the National Park Service doing guide/ranger duties around the park I absolutely love my job and I have the absolute privilege of spending my days out in the wilderness educating others about this beautiful world that I love so much. I am so incredibly greatful to be able to have this wonderful life. I live in a beautiful place and I just purchased a car when I moved here to take this job. It feels great to be independent and living on my own. I have been able to live close enough to my best friends to visit often and spend time with them. I have met a ton of wonderful people since I began working here and I have made some great friends. I just ran my first half marathon and It was such a success that I plan on running a full marathon within the next year. In my training I have also lost 20 lbs and I have so much energy that I just feel fabulous. I have also met an absolutely wonderful man and so far things seem to be going well. He really understands me and has such an amazing sense of adventure that we have a fabulous time in each other's company. I'm so happy about this! I no longer blame myself for the mistakes of my past and I have entered into every friendship and relationship with an open heart and a clean slate. I talk to my family often and they have been so supportive with everything. My life is absolutely fabulous and I will continue to live everyday with this renewed sense of adventure and a passion that I can hardly contain. Thank you so much for allowing this to be a reality!
Well I am currently living in California. I spent months putting out resumes and applying for jobs , but It all paid off in the end. I work for the National Park Service doing guide/ranger duties around the park I absolutely love my job and I have the absolute privilege of spending my days out in the wilderness educating others about this beautiful world that I love so much. I am so incredibly greatful to be able to have this wonderful life. I live in a beautiful place and I just purchased a car when I moved here to take this job. It feels great to be independent and living on my own. I have been able to live close enough to my best friends to visit often and spend time with them. I have met a ton of wonderful people since I began working here and I have made some great friends. I just ran my first half marathon and It was such a success that I plan on running a full marathon within the next year. In my training I have also lost 20 lbs and I have so much energy that I just feel fabulous. I have also met an absolutely wonderful man and so far things seem to be going well. He really understands me and has such an amazing sense of adventure that we have a fabulous time in each other's company. I'm so happy about this! I no longer blame myself for the mistakes of my past and I have entered into every friendship and relationship with an open heart and a clean slate. I talk to my family often and they have been so supportive with everything. My life is absolutely fabulous and I will continue to live everyday with this renewed sense of adventure and a passion that I can hardly contain. Thank you so much for allowing this to be a reality!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Religion...
From about the time I was 12 years old I have always fought with the concept of religion and what to believe in and what not to believe in. Incidentally the same time I began to question my faith was around the same time I lost my grandmother, and all hell broke loose. I remember feeling angry with God and just thinking he was against me and He should have never taken my grandmother away from me. Obviously this was the angry hurt feelings of a child who just felt confused about her loss. All religious matters aside, I can't help but think that if someone had sat down with me and explained that death is not an act of vengeance, but a regular part of life I might have understood it better.
Over the years I have seen and explored the concepts of many different faiths trying to find where I belonged and what I believed in. I spent time in Italy and gazed upon the exquisite churches made of marble that took centuries to build. The Duomo in Firenze took 600 years to complete. Although excessive I can't help but feel some respect and maybe some envy for a group of people who feel so strongly about their faith that they are willing to devote their lives to building these giant temples to their God. At the same time, I also visited the Vatican, and while beautiful, I can't help but feel annoyed and somewhat angry that such expensive and intricate detail was put into something like this. Should religion really need to be so luxurious? Simple chapels and lifestyles would convey the same message... I still don't quite know where to go with this.
The reason I got to thinking about religion is because I was watching the video of Sheikh Yusuf al-Qaradawi and his speech on How Hitler was offering divine punishment to the Jews, who he thinks should all be killed. This video actually made me sick.
When you think about it, if you take away all the formalities, and creationist theories, and rituals of religions that make them so different what you are left with are the same basic principals. From Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, and even paganism, each religion reinforces the same basic principals - respect for others, respect for the world around you, a divine being, and respect and love for yourself. How these principals have been twisted into wars and punishment and killing for thousands of years is just crazy to me. I don't understand why people fly planes into buildings, killing both themselves and others and claim that they are doing it in the name of God. I don't understand why my best friend is in Afghanistan getting shot at and car bombed. I don't understand how a man who claims to represent the muslum faith can stand on TV and state that he wants to become a martyr for killing jews because they deserve to be punished when according to his own Koran, pride and Greed are the worst sins a man can have. Charity is a virtue. Where is the line?
Religion has a great message and can provide a hope and faith that many of us need to sustain ourselves. Organized religion is where it seems to get tricky. The political aspects of it and the desire for wealth and power are the reasons that such a beautiful message can be lost. The natural progression of every organization in the world - religious or not - brings out leaders and followers. Some people make the decisions and some people follow them. The taste for power will surely be the demise of all good intentions.
I'm sorry I got political or religious, but I just wanted to vent about a situation that seems to be nothing more than a giant contradiction. If we are supposedly ALL created in the "Image and likeness of God" then why do some people feel that they are created in more likeness than others... I'm not the most religious person in the world. I believe in a God because I don't like the idea of being powerless. I also think that this world is too beautiful for there not to be someone amazing to create it for me. I may not go to church, and I may stick up my nose at most mainstream religious traditions, but I still try to live my life to respect others, the world, and myself - not only for a God, but because I can't look myself in the mirror if I were any other way. Regardless of my personal beliefs, however, I would never find a reason to kill another human being based on his/her own beliefs. Maybe I am naive for writing this. I know that it won't change the world, but I guess we all have to try and be a little piece of the change we wish we could see.
Over the years I have seen and explored the concepts of many different faiths trying to find where I belonged and what I believed in. I spent time in Italy and gazed upon the exquisite churches made of marble that took centuries to build. The Duomo in Firenze took 600 years to complete. Although excessive I can't help but feel some respect and maybe some envy for a group of people who feel so strongly about their faith that they are willing to devote their lives to building these giant temples to their God. At the same time, I also visited the Vatican, and while beautiful, I can't help but feel annoyed and somewhat angry that such expensive and intricate detail was put into something like this. Should religion really need to be so luxurious? Simple chapels and lifestyles would convey the same message... I still don't quite know where to go with this.
The reason I got to thinking about religion is because I was watching the video of Sheikh Yusuf al-Qaradawi and his speech on How Hitler was offering divine punishment to the Jews, who he thinks should all be killed. This video actually made me sick.
When you think about it, if you take away all the formalities, and creationist theories, and rituals of religions that make them so different what you are left with are the same basic principals. From Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, and even paganism, each religion reinforces the same basic principals - respect for others, respect for the world around you, a divine being, and respect and love for yourself. How these principals have been twisted into wars and punishment and killing for thousands of years is just crazy to me. I don't understand why people fly planes into buildings, killing both themselves and others and claim that they are doing it in the name of God. I don't understand why my best friend is in Afghanistan getting shot at and car bombed. I don't understand how a man who claims to represent the muslum faith can stand on TV and state that he wants to become a martyr for killing jews because they deserve to be punished when according to his own Koran, pride and Greed are the worst sins a man can have. Charity is a virtue. Where is the line?
Religion has a great message and can provide a hope and faith that many of us need to sustain ourselves. Organized religion is where it seems to get tricky. The political aspects of it and the desire for wealth and power are the reasons that such a beautiful message can be lost. The natural progression of every organization in the world - religious or not - brings out leaders and followers. Some people make the decisions and some people follow them. The taste for power will surely be the demise of all good intentions.
I'm sorry I got political or religious, but I just wanted to vent about a situation that seems to be nothing more than a giant contradiction. If we are supposedly ALL created in the "Image and likeness of God" then why do some people feel that they are created in more likeness than others... I'm not the most religious person in the world. I believe in a God because I don't like the idea of being powerless. I also think that this world is too beautiful for there not to be someone amazing to create it for me. I may not go to church, and I may stick up my nose at most mainstream religious traditions, but I still try to live my life to respect others, the world, and myself - not only for a God, but because I can't look myself in the mirror if I were any other way. Regardless of my personal beliefs, however, I would never find a reason to kill another human being based on his/her own beliefs. Maybe I am naive for writing this. I know that it won't change the world, but I guess we all have to try and be a little piece of the change we wish we could see.
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