Dreaming of you...

As is the case with any college student, the end of the semester brings about many sleepless nights to finish papers, and projects that have been procrastinated for too long. My lack of sleep for about 2 weeks now had finally allowed me to take a long nap yesterday after my final exam. I laid down in my bed, and fell into a deep sleep for over three hours, and the dream I had has been haunting me ever since. It was so intense and real, that I woke up confused as to which was really my reality - the dream or my waking life. It was so soul touching that I'm still reeling from it a day later and I feel compelled to conserve its memory forever in my blog.

The dream started in a place that reminded me a lot of my hometown. I was in a house with several of my friends, but they weren't really the friends I have in real life. I left this place looking for some sort of Christmas present for my niece and I met up with my mother and my aunt (who passed away about 5 years ago) to go looking for it. Then a man showed up. He had brown hair and he was calling me "Baby". I don't remember his name, but I was instantly confused as to why he was there. I didn't like him very much at all, and him calling me pet names really bothered me. I asked my mom and my aunt who he was, and they told me that he was my boyfriend and that he was the father of my unborn child - that I was pregnant... I found this to be a shock. I had no idea and I felt my stomach and explained that I didn't feel pregnant at all - that I thought I should be nauseous or in pain or something. They ignored me and told me I would be fine. The end of the scene faded out with me walking past these HUGE rolls of Christmas wrapping paper - they had to be about 15 feet long and at least 3 feet in diameter and I saw my aunt tear off a piece and start wrapping a present.

After that we went home, to a place that I thought I have never been to, but apparently I lived there. The guy with the brown hair was there and he sat down in the living room. This is where I found out that I apparently had a fiance too, and he also lived in the house. This news threw me for a loop. As I have stated earlier in my blogs, I don't really think I want to get married or have babies, so I was confused as to who these people were and how I had gotten myself into this predicament. My head was spinning. I felt sick to my stomach thinking that I was pregnant with another man's baby while I had a fiance. One of my teachers from last semester made an appearance in the dream and he looked at me and started talking to me. he said "So you are pregnant with one man's baby and engaged to another??? How could you do that to a man who loves you that much? Why would you?" I looked up at him and I could feel myself getting ready to cry and I said "I have no idea. I don't know what is going on. I don't know these people." He told me that if I wanted to talk he was there, and then he left.

I walked into another room in the house. It was a dim room. It has white walls and no furniture, with one set of windows with thick curtains that allowed just a tiny bit of sunlight in. There was brown carpeting on the floor and the man who I understood to be my fiance was sitting across from me in the corner - just sitting on the floor. With his head down. He was thin, and a little taller than me with slightly tanned skin and sandy blond hair and blue eyes. I still had no idea who he was, but I thought to myself, "If this is the man I am going to marry, I might remember him if I kiss him - maybe I will get a feeling from it to confirm everything." So I crawled across the room to him and lifted his head up toward mine and kissed him on the lips, once, and then he kissed me back. Instantly I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt so peaceful. He stopped and smiled at me. I told him "I'm so lost. I'm confused. I don't know these people . I don't know how I ended up here and I'm scared." He put his arms around me and held me and told me that it was going to be ok - not to worry. I said "They tell me I am pregnant with that man's baby, but I don't feel like I am, and I don't remember any of this? I don't know why I would do that if I was going to marry you" he looked at me and said, "That's because you aren't pregnant. They are trying to take you away from me, and they told you that so that you would leave me." I thought this was awful. I asked him "You know, I didn't like him from the start, I don't trust him, and I didn't understand why I would be with someone like that, but you... You are so nice and so gentle... I'm usually crazy. I party, I drink, I go out all the time... I don't understand how I ended up with someone like you either. How did we even meet." He took my hand and smiled and said "You always told me that that's the thing you loved most about me. You said that you wanted to get out of that life, and you love that I took you away from it." Then he proceeded to tell me this beautiful story of how I had met him. I don't remember the details, but I felt my heart break as he told it. Then I looked up at him and said "I don't know how I ended up here, or anything else about this life, but I'd really like to get to know you if that's ok." Then he smiled and kissed my cheek and I woke up...

It seemed so real, he seemed so real, and in my grogginess I woke up with this overwhelming sense of loss that he wasn't real. I wanted him to come back. I don't know what it was. This man in my dreams spoke to me so sincerely and so gently - like no one I had ever met. I just had this complete feeling of being safe and at peace - even in the state of confusion I was in. It was just amazing... like nothing I have ever experienced in my waking life, and the feeling rocked me to my core. I have been haunted by this dream ever since, and I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I have never seen myself as the kind of girl who would say any of these things, but maybe there is more to me than I know yet... All I know is that I am completely reeling from this dream and I hope I figure it out... Or have a sequel to it and meet him again... Dreams are such powerful things. I had no idea...