Friendship is the mirror that we all carry with us...

So Upon coming back to Hawaii from visiting my family, I wasn't in the best of moods, but almost as soon as my flight landed here in paradise, I felt better! I was picked up by a friend that I actually once dated in high school. We have been friends since we were 14, and I hope we stay friends for a long time. He does not live in Hawaii, but is instead here for military training. for the sake of the anonymity that I like to keep along with my blog, We will just call him "Tom." So every few years Tom and I seem to cross paths, and I love it every time. Tom for some reason, gives me the feeling of looking in the mirror - not for the reason that I think we are identical, but more for the way that his presence makes me look into myself. Tom has always known a lot about my life. When We were about 15 years old, he was there for me through the darkest part of my depression. I believe he might have once talked me through the night to convince me not to take my own life. I have come leaps and bounds from that scared little girl - crying on the bathroom floor - bleeding and vomiting for a life I no longer wanted. As I grow older, I find it harder and harder to talk to others about that part of my life. I put it behind me. I would never dream of taking my own life, and that depression is a distant memory, but these secrets I withhold from the men I allow into my life now seem to put a damper on my relationships. I don't want to talk about it, and them not knowing and understanding my reasons behind some of my behavior usually leads to an untimely end to the relationship. Being around Tom is completely different. I answer his questions honestly, and I don't fell foolish for speaking of my personal feelings as I have them in my head - serious and deep. He knows me- he knows these secrets, and the root of all my insecurities. This fact, combined with the intensity of his character can ignite my mind into a frenzy of thoughts upon his departure. It allows me to look at myself now, and think about who I was back then, and I can't help but love the person I have become. It was a hard road, but I wouldn't trade one second of my crazy, intense, mixed up life for anything.

The real problem with Tom is that he ignites an intensity in me that I miss. Obviously we have an attraction to each other, but it isn't the kind of attraction that I sometimes get. Sure I am attracted to his body, but it's his mind that really intrigues me. He has an intensity about him that I don't think I have ever found in another person. I don't like men who are plain and ordinary. I want my mind stimulated. I love people with FIRE, and a uniqueness that makes them stand out. Some would say that Tom is too intense and that his own personal issues make him less likely to be someone that you would get close to. I feel the opposite. Tom comes into and out of my life, and by no means am I suggesting that he should stay and become a permanent part of it (our lives are very different right now), I am saying that the position that he plays in my life leaves me with a better understanding of myself. I trust him. I feel comfortable with him. These are feelings I don't allow myself to feel. He suggested that maybe it is because i know it is safe to let him hold me in his arms, and look into my eyes - because I know that he is leaving. This might be true, but I think it is more than that. Every once in a while I set myself up and open my heart for a short time - (usually right before I am leaving, or right before the whole thing crashes and burns) but it reminds me that I am still capable of these feelings should I decide to let them out someday. Whether I want to find him or not, whether i decide to continue my life living as a nomad, or to settle down years from me, It is comforting to me to know that there are people in the world who can find that dead dark part of my heart and awaken my soul. I hope everyday that Tom is safe, and that he is watched over as he continues his own battle - both in the world and within himself. I hope that he finds happiness, and I hope that maybe in some way, I have touched his soul as well. I don't think that me and Tom will ever find ourselves together in our lives - us together is like combining fire and gasoline, but I love that every couple years, our paths cross, and that he gets to be a part of my crazy life, even if only for a short while.

Novacaine For the Soul

I feel like I am fading out. Living inside of myself, desperately seeking a feeling of relief. I am trapped inside of my own body, aching to be free. Sometimes I feel like I am Screaming at the top of my lungs, but no sound escapes my lips. I have battled with these feelings my whole life. Frantically seeking my place in the world, and finding a place to feel at home, I battle with constant feelings of isolation.

I absorb the world around me, and I feed off the emotions of others. I seek quality friends to surround myself with, and hate the feeling of keeping everyone an arms length away, but these are the measures that must be taken in a place where friendships are disposable, and people are only skin deep. I do not wish to conform. I would rather associate myself with the few genuine people I found than subject myself to individuals who are only out for their own advancement.

Sometimes I feel like I am forced to be only skin deep. I have a million stories of places I have been and people I have met to fill your ears for weeks. I can talk for hours and still share nothing of myself. In the company of those who know me well I am at ease. I can share my feelings, and I can share my heart. I can even share my tears and my embarrassment should they fill me for the day, but here, here in this place called paradise I can only share myself with the blank white screen before me. I am not skin deep. My soul runs deeper than the oceans that surround me on this tiny piece of land. Finding others who are not expendable is a task I have never encountered before. And I hate it.

Like a chameleon I realize how I change with each new place I inhabit. Pieces of my heart are scattered all over the world. Inspiration is all around me, yet I walk a figurative tightrope in a delicate balancing act between the things I want in the future, the things I need to do now, and the happiness i seek on a daily basis. I can find beauty in the mountains and in nature. I can find the beauty in old stone buildings and architecture. I can look at man made creations and find beauty in that some great human mind was inspired to create something solid and tangible. I love people who can put their dreams into action. Maybe I am too old to be here. My days are spent in school with people a few years younger than I - with different goals than I. I adore these people, but understandably they are not seeking the same things out of life that I am. This makes life difficult.

I seek out adventure, understanding, and most of all freedom - even if it continues to come in the form of a temporary distraction from the fact that I don't quite fit in anywhere... I no longer define my family as being limited to the people who share my blood, but I pick and choose the extraordinary individuals who have taught my soul how to fly. They live all over the world, and have touched me in some way, I just wish that I could have a group of them surrounding me on a regular basis. I am growing tired of only sharing these words with my computer...