Novacaine For the Soul

I feel like I am fading out. Living inside of myself, desperately seeking a feeling of relief. I am trapped inside of my own body, aching to be free. Sometimes I feel like I am Screaming at the top of my lungs, but no sound escapes my lips. I have battled with these feelings my whole life. Frantically seeking my place in the world, and finding a place to feel at home, I battle with constant feelings of isolation.

I absorb the world around me, and I feed off the emotions of others. I seek quality friends to surround myself with, and hate the feeling of keeping everyone an arms length away, but these are the measures that must be taken in a place where friendships are disposable, and people are only skin deep. I do not wish to conform. I would rather associate myself with the few genuine people I found than subject myself to individuals who are only out for their own advancement.

Sometimes I feel like I am forced to be only skin deep. I have a million stories of places I have been and people I have met to fill your ears for weeks. I can talk for hours and still share nothing of myself. In the company of those who know me well I am at ease. I can share my feelings, and I can share my heart. I can even share my tears and my embarrassment should they fill me for the day, but here, here in this place called paradise I can only share myself with the blank white screen before me. I am not skin deep. My soul runs deeper than the oceans that surround me on this tiny piece of land. Finding others who are not expendable is a task I have never encountered before. And I hate it.

Like a chameleon I realize how I change with each new place I inhabit. Pieces of my heart are scattered all over the world. Inspiration is all around me, yet I walk a figurative tightrope in a delicate balancing act between the things I want in the future, the things I need to do now, and the happiness i seek on a daily basis. I can find beauty in the mountains and in nature. I can find the beauty in old stone buildings and architecture. I can look at man made creations and find beauty in that some great human mind was inspired to create something solid and tangible. I love people who can put their dreams into action. Maybe I am too old to be here. My days are spent in school with people a few years younger than I - with different goals than I. I adore these people, but understandably they are not seeking the same things out of life that I am. This makes life difficult.

I seek out adventure, understanding, and most of all freedom - even if it continues to come in the form of a temporary distraction from the fact that I don't quite fit in anywhere... I no longer define my family as being limited to the people who share my blood, but I pick and choose the extraordinary individuals who have taught my soul how to fly. They live all over the world, and have touched me in some way, I just wish that I could have a group of them surrounding me on a regular basis. I am growing tired of only sharing these words with my computer...