"I wish my life was easy like yours is..."

... That's what he said to me. I'm spoiled. I have had everything handed to me my entire life. He told me that I don't understand what it means to struggle. He called me promiscuous, and faulted me for the mistakes I have made. He told me I'm good for a fling, but not someone you date. And I have to see him all the time.


He comes disguised as my close friend, wearing his mask of lies. With friends like him, who needs enemies. With these accusations and the most insincere apology I have ever received I continue to entertain his company every weekend. He buys me dinners and drinks as a pity offering. He tries to place himself close to me as though he all of a sudden changed his mind. Forgiving him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I continue to be his friend like a sucker with no self respect. He goes out of his way for me and I return the favor, sitting in the ER with him when he sprains his ankle, driving him home after, buying his favorite beer at the store and inviting him to dinner. He offers me shelter during tsunami warnings and calls to check on my safety. He pays my bar tabs and gives me rides to the airport. He shows up at my house and drags me out of bed on weekends to go to the beach and head out on adventures. How long can we continue this charade of normalcy when our friendship has taken such a serious blow. I keep him close and at an arms length away - always expecting that at some point the bottom is going to drop out. His innocent comments are sometimes interpreted poorly and I can't help but take a stab back.

How long can this arrangement last when after a year of my friendship he clearly knows nothing about me... This place just gets a little lonelier everyday.

Is this a date?

I went on a date today, and I didn't even know it. I met a man the other night while I was at the mall and we got to talking for a while. He was still new in town and he suggested we go out sometime. I agreed and today I met him for brunch. The thing is that I have a lot of male friends that I hang out with all the time, and for the most part they see me as just one of the boys. I guess I kinda do now too because when he referred to me as his "date" I was so surprised I didn't know what to say.

I don't remember the last time I went out on an actual date - the kind where a man picks up the tab, picks me up, opens doors, and sits and talks to me. Somewhere along the way I think I became dating retarded. The men that I usually meet are the type who don't call me when they are sober, have girlfriends or a fiance that I didn't know about, or use me to fill in the space between girlfriends. I get to be fill-in girl while they search for a real girl to date. It's like I'm invisible to someone who is staring right at me, and it's a frustration I can not explain. Everyone has been in this position. My scars are not unique and my battle is not unusual. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier.

I'm Different, and I know it. I'm not typical, and easy to read. I'm complicated and impulsive. It's impossible to figure out if I'm coming or going and by definition, I'm a gamble to love. In a world where uniqueness is so extremely undervalued, I and many others who have the yearning for the unusual and the unconventional walk alone through life. I love people who are a little different. Their qualities appeal to me. The man who up and moves to Thailand because he always wanted to go, or decides to learn a new language or trade at the age of 30. Those who have seen the world, and have stumbled and fallen over and over again have a view of the world that can not be replicated. As people, our scars tell the story of our life far better than the list of our accomplishments ever could. The bumps and bruises we acquire along the way add pages to our stories that should never be left out.

I digress... I'm hanging in there. I am making new friends everyday, but I still miss the true friends who have left the island that I don't get to see anymore. I think my loneliness of missing them has lead me to actually want something more from the men I meet. I seek companionship that I no longer have in my friends here. I have come to realize that I don't do well with being lonely. I need to be surrounded by amazing people to share my days with. There is only so much I can do to keep distracted from this void in my life. But none of this is ever going to be possible if I keep showing up to a date not having any idea that I am on one. :-)Someday...