Be my escape

This song came on my pandora on the way to work today. Little did I know that it was going to be a sign. I finally had enough of my everyday. I'm seeking better. Moving to California in 2 months. Here I go!

"Be My Escape" - By Reliant K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

The light at the end of the tunnel. (I hope)

I think I'm finally frustrated enough to make some serious changes in my life. I feel exhausted and tired everyday. I dread going to my job, and facing people who add drama to my life. I have stopped participating in the things I used to love. But I am taking active steps to get out of this funk.

I began applying for jobs all over the place. I have sent out resumes to government environmental jobs in 3 states, 7 resumes in the last week, spoken to coast guard reserve recruiters (who told me I was ineligible), began a peace corps application, began actively seeking an official copy of my grandfather's birth certificate so that I might apply for European citizenship, and finally I have made a couple of contacts to send out resumes to in Southern California. The first one to save me from this rut wins. I'm done.

In a non related story, I was on the phone with my best friend the other night and I was telling him of my plans to get out and the crazy dreams that I have been having lately. I told him about how I have been having dreams of some of my ex-boyfriends. He made some really good points that I had never considered before, and it really helped me to look at things in a different point of view. He told me that he thinks I blame myself for the failed relationships that weren't my fault. I agreed that I did. I came to realize that even though they all either cheated on me, or used me to cheat on someone else (that I didn't know about) I looked at it as karma from the mistakes that I had made in the past. I think my debt has been paid in full and should finally let this go. I have dreams of the situations I walked away from. I truly cared for these people when I was with them, but couldn't see how to forgive them for their betrayals when I discovered them. I think of these decisions. And I realized that in some ways I still cling to these relationships - wondering how they are or what had become if I had stayed and forgiven infidelities. would I be here right now? Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Would I have moved to another country with him?? These are the questions that haunt me in my dreams and force me to consider them in my waking life. Do I think of these situations because I still want them? Or am I actually finally seeking a serious companion and because I have unable to find one I revert back to the places in my past that I once felt comfortably in?? I'm almost sure it is the latter.

For this reason I am letting them go. I am deleting them from my life. I'm removing their numbers from my phone and deleting their emails. I'm blocking their addresses and disconnecting their memberships on my sites. I never realized how much this was holding me back. I carry these scars with me and allow them to hinder my ability to find happiness with another. I don't want to do it anymore. I started with this last night as I removed the first name from my phone book. These ghosts have haunted me for long enough, and I have spent enough time punishing myself for my past mistakes. I am not the girl same girl I once was. I no longer deserve the consequences for my past mistakes. With these changes, perhaps someday soon I can return to the dreamless sleeps that I love and miss so dearly.

An Unexpected Truth

I have a friend visiting me from out of town - A very dear friend, who I haven't seen in over a year. She lives in Germany, but she has made it a point to see me every year since I met her. This time she arrived with a shaved head and a tattoo of pink flowers on her scalp. At first glance, she looks pretty badass to say the least. Looking closer, however tells a different story. The scar above her right breast and the mysterious pills she takes everyday are a clear giveaway... They gave her 18 months. What the hell is that?!?!?!

I'm angry and I'm upset. This disease has managed to take some of the most inspiring people I have ever known. It knows no bounds and it has no discrimination. I'm bitter thinking about the fact that all my cousins have their grandparents still, and have photos at their weddings and graduations with them. I have lost all of mine to the same disease. Gone. I know that we all must die of something, but for such a young girl to face this reality breaks my heart.

She is only 34 years old and the disease has already reached her liver, both her breasts, and is now beginning to attack her bone marrow. She remains hopeful and so do I, but the question remains... How can this happen to someone so young... She is undergoing experimental treatment, and may have a real shot, but the idea of someone speaking about their live in terms of time left and possibility of losing makes me sick to my stomach. What a brave woman she must be to have heard these words and let them slide off her back and say "No that's not long enough, I plan on living much longer than that." I can't even imagine... How dare they put a time limit on my friend's life. The though makes me sick to my stomach.

I know she will put up a fight. She will get through this. She has to.

Noise

All I hear is noise around my head. It clouds my judgement and keeps my thoughts from settling out. Like the Tropical flood that is going on right now outside my window the sound of thunder has been keeping me awake for months. It invades my dreams and manifests itself in my nightmares. I slam the windows and doors shut for just a small second relief from the static. This place I live is both a paradise and a prison. I feel trapped in this life and I wonder how I ended up here.

I am making changes to better myself and give myself a brighter future, but I still have no idea what that future should be. I don't want to live here forever. I don't want to go back to the place I came from. I don't want children, and I can't see myself ever getting married. It seems that though I know exactly what I don't want, I have no idea what I do.

I have always lived my life with reckless abandon. I have been the cause of and solution to many of the problems in my own life. The decisions that I have made have lead me to this beautiful place on which I stand right now, but they have recently become obstacles to my goals as well.

I feel like I'm closing off my heart again. The people who I have chosen to open it to are no longer able to reach me. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago that he feels like he is standing on the other side of a 2 way mirror trying to help with no idea how. I don't know what to tell him. We all have our secrets, and mine are no worse than anyone else's. We all have our burden to bear, and a side we choose to hide. I guess I'm still trying to figure out which way I'd like to go with mine. Perhaps when I can figure it out, I will finally be able to quiet the incessant noise that is constantly surrounding me so I might finally get a good night's sleep.