Noise

All I hear is noise around my head. It clouds my judgement and keeps my thoughts from settling out. Like the Tropical flood that is going on right now outside my window the sound of thunder has been keeping me awake for months. It invades my dreams and manifests itself in my nightmares. I slam the windows and doors shut for just a small second relief from the static. This place I live is both a paradise and a prison. I feel trapped in this life and I wonder how I ended up here.

I am making changes to better myself and give myself a brighter future, but I still have no idea what that future should be. I don't want to live here forever. I don't want to go back to the place I came from. I don't want children, and I can't see myself ever getting married. It seems that though I know exactly what I don't want, I have no idea what I do.

I have always lived my life with reckless abandon. I have been the cause of and solution to many of the problems in my own life. The decisions that I have made have lead me to this beautiful place on which I stand right now, but they have recently become obstacles to my goals as well.

I feel like I'm closing off my heart again. The people who I have chosen to open it to are no longer able to reach me. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago that he feels like he is standing on the other side of a 2 way mirror trying to help with no idea how. I don't know what to tell him. We all have our secrets, and mine are no worse than anyone else's. We all have our burden to bear, and a side we choose to hide. I guess I'm still trying to figure out which way I'd like to go with mine. Perhaps when I can figure it out, I will finally be able to quiet the incessant noise that is constantly surrounding me so I might finally get a good night's sleep.