I think I figured it out...

I have been feeling lonely lately. I have been having dreams about him, and thinking about him and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. I didn't spend that much time with him. We barely knew each other when it gets down to it, but we know each other's hearts, and that's what I couldn't get over... I don't know his favorite color or the names of all his extended family, but I know his heart, and he knew mine. I know the way he opened me up and made me abandon all of my insecurities. I know how he inspired me, and I watched him open up in front of me. I watched his caution melt away and his sense of adventure surface in a way that it never had before. He holds me responsible for this change. That makes me happy. I miss who I was when I was with him. I hate that I closed myself up again. I want to feel that vulnerable again. I want that rush.

I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.