I think I figured it out...

I have been feeling lonely lately. I have been having dreams about him, and thinking about him and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. I didn't spend that much time with him. We barely knew each other when it gets down to it, but we know each other's hearts, and that's what I couldn't get over... I don't know his favorite color or the names of all his extended family, but I know his heart, and he knew mine. I know the way he opened me up and made me abandon all of my insecurities. I know how he inspired me, and I watched him open up in front of me. I watched his caution melt away and his sense of adventure surface in a way that it never had before. He holds me responsible for this change. That makes me happy. I miss who I was when I was with him. I hate that I closed myself up again. I want to feel that vulnerable again. I want that rush.

I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.

Darkness

Once we have seen the darkness it stays with us forever. It may go away for years. We may change our lives and reinvent ourselves over and over again, but at sometime that old familiar pain creeps in and renders us helpless. Today is that day for me. And all I need is to get through til the end of the day so I can start over again...