Ramblings of a Medical Malpractice Victim

I dont know how to feel in this post surgery-disaster world in which I am now existing. It feels like time stands still here, but my pre-disaster life feels so far away. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to people like me. I'm young enough, healthy, active, and athletic. I have big plans and trips and gatherings that I need to be at... I need to be there for my father through his chemo, so you can't take me out of the game now... There must be some mistake... THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME. There's got to be a way to opt out of this experience. I'm full of scars... There have been drains all over my torso. At one point I had 4 drains, a catheter, and a stint. HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP HERE?!?!? My pre surgery body wasn't perfect, but it was mine, and I loved it. I was tan and strong from days spent at swim practice and out on the water paddling my board. I had muscle tone, and I trusted in my ability to go on long hikes, and take care of myself... My face wasn't sunken in or bloated with fluid. My skin was soft instead of loose and dry. Like, how the fuck is my skin texture different?!? How does that even happen?! I also had an ass, and boobs that stood up on their own. All I have left is a concave butt, and saggy boobs... Everyone keeps saying I'll get my body back, but I honestlly don't know that I will. I have a stint in my right shoulder that hurts everytime I burp, or Cough, or breath too deep... There's a tube hanging out of my back that drains my pee into a clear bag that gets safety pinned to my pants. Today I tried a new bladder spasm medicine (Because that's still going on 3 weeks post catheter...) And the meds turned my pee a dark neon orange that looks radioactive... This drains into a clear bag that everyone can see.. I was so embarrassed to see it while I was walking the puppy. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am... But what choice do I have? It's either bear the burdon of all these medical procedures, or die. What kind of options are those?! I'm just living through it. Existing. Floating through the whole experience like it's a dream. I'm frozen in a continuous loop, where every day is the same, and all that changes is the intensity of my pain and the person babysitting me. I can't advance further physically because of the drain. I don't feel comfortable in public beause of it. I am constantly worried that it will snag, or get dirty and infected, or something else that is just going to lead to more freakin procedures and another stay in the hospital. I can't take more of that. 18 days of absolute hell...