This year

This year I will find a man who loves me for who I am. Someone who makes me feel at ease. He will accept my past as part of me. He will be patient with me and allow me to open up as I go. He will share his life with me and allow me to share mine with him. He will not judge me for my shortcomings. He will inspire me to want to do more and be more We will not be jealous. We will be supportive of one another. We will be a team instead of rivals. We will be honest, respectful, and faithful. We will be adventurous and spontaneous. This year, I will stop compromising who I am and what I want. I will be honest with myself. I will cure my own insecurities and save the best parts of me to share with the people I love.

I carry them with me

I carry them with me. I carry every failed relationship, and every possible scenario for failure and heartbreak. I called my best friend up the other night because I had a dream that the new man I am dating was telling me he didn't care about me. This man seems so gentle and genuine, but my dreams portray him as a predator with other women on the side, and dark intentions. He shows up and does to me the same things others have done to me. I know I'm not ready to make this into a relationship just yet, but I felt insecure that he hadn't brought it up. I love that I have free time and that he is involved in so many volunteer organizations, but then I found myself doubting his intentions toward me because he got busy one week and couldn't see me. I haven't voiced these things to him - because I know they are completely irrational and not at all related to anything he has done as it is related to my own insecurities. I will share these feelings only with my friends.

I'm disappointed in myself. I am not a jealous person, and I'm not a needy person, but this relationship has thrown my entire world off balance. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to put a stop to this right now.

For years I have been a self fulfilling prophecy in my relationships. I discredit my ability to be loved and to love others. I let myself feel cheapened, and unimportant. I treated men who loved me like they were expendable because I didn't know how to show I cared. Finally, I have been letting these people who have done me wrong hinder my ability to trust others. I'm putting these words on this screen so they are real. I'm giving myself the next couple hours to feel insecure, and unemotional, and then I am going to suck it up, place these men on the back of the self in my mind, and move forward stronger and happier without their restraints to tie me down. It ends tonight. :-)