I'm sitting in my living room listening to the tropical rain falling outside my window. My roommate is sitting on the opposite couch from me studying for her CPA certification. The sound of laughter echoes from my other roommate's bedroom. We look up from our books to make a joke or gripe about our tasks. She takes random breaks to smoke a cigarette, which I accompany her on - not because I smoke but because I love the chats we have out on our front stoop. I learn so much about my friends while doing nothing. I'm amazed everyday. It's amazing to see where someone came from, and to know where they are heading and to analyze the contrast. To look at this successful woman who has more drive than anyone I know, it is proposterous to think that she had a juvenile arrest report, yet she does. I love people with a history. It gives them character.
This all hangs in a delicate balance. I know that in one year I will move on from this place and this beautiful chapter in my life will be just another page in my scrapbook. Random cigarette breaks, Rockband in the living room, and the goldfish tank on the corner will be but distant memories somewhere in the future. I want to pause time and hold onto these minutes before they pass me by. It is these moments that I love to look back on - not just the big stuff of vacations and weddings and such. The things I love to remember most are the small details of the everyday occurrences that make my life wonderful. The humidity in the air, the feel of the cheap suede futon cover I'm sitting on, the cooling feel of the tile on my feet, and the low hum of the ceiling fan will be my favorite memories of this place. Right here in this moment I am happy.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
"I remember feeling low, and I remember losing hope, and I remember all these feelings and the day they stopped..."
Late at night my mind wakes up. It comes alive with feelings that I never knew I had. I could lay on the couch all day and think of nothing, yet the second the day fades away and the midnight moon makes its debut in the sky it's like my thoughts and emotions unlock that hidden door to my unconscious and let me in. I love it.
In these late nights, my brain and my heart allow themselves to truly feel and identify how I feel about the situations going on in my life. I can be free with myself. Aside from this blog, I never admit my secrets out loud to anyone. I'm probably the only girl I know who lies to her own journal. I'm always afraid that someone will see it or judge it... that they will judge me.
In ordinary circumstances I don't care what anyone has to say about me, but when it comes to the words that my heart speaks aloud, I am guarded with them. I'm possessive and always on edge - like I'm just waiting for someone to cast the first stone. these are not unfounded feelings. In my past life, someone always did.
This blog, to me is a way to be honest with myself. I am telling the story to myself, and I am but a phantom - a shadowy figure you can picture and imagine however you see fit. I am in no way ashamed of the life I walked away from, but instead I am afraid that my former life will change the way the people I love see me. Here in my life, I am happy. I am free and I wake up every single day absolutely ecstatic about the day. Every single day of my life I wake up with things to look forward do, and it is the most amazing feeling I ever had - and I did it all myself. I once made the mistake of sharing this previous life with a man I was dating years ago, and the conversation turned into an argument of "Why" I didn't run away, or defend myself, or take advantage of the options available to me. for 45 minutes I had to listen to a man tell me all the reasons I should be mad, and unforgiving to the people who hurt me in the past. How does one justify making a girl they claim to care about question herself and her strength - just because he needed me to need him. It's disgusting actually.
I sometimes look back on my old life and I ask myself the same questions... "Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you run away and never come back?" I know why I can never answer myself... Because an adult, who has so much more life and experience than a child does could never truly understand the reasoning for their decisions. I have to trust that when I was there, I made the decisions that I could live with. My 12 year old self would have never responded to these questions - she would have said "you could never understand my life" and walked away. she probably would have flipped me off on the way out the door too. I'm letting her go. Why should I question her motives... The decisions my 12 year old self made might have been hard at the time, but I never let life break me down, I kept my eyes forward toward the light at the end of the tunnel, and I turned that terrible childhood into an amazing life. With so much to live for and so much to look forward to, how could I regret any step of this crazy, happy, sad, and mixed up journey that has become my life. I can barely stand the anticipation of what will happen next.
In these late nights, my brain and my heart allow themselves to truly feel and identify how I feel about the situations going on in my life. I can be free with myself. Aside from this blog, I never admit my secrets out loud to anyone. I'm probably the only girl I know who lies to her own journal. I'm always afraid that someone will see it or judge it... that they will judge me.
In ordinary circumstances I don't care what anyone has to say about me, but when it comes to the words that my heart speaks aloud, I am guarded with them. I'm possessive and always on edge - like I'm just waiting for someone to cast the first stone. these are not unfounded feelings. In my past life, someone always did.
This blog, to me is a way to be honest with myself. I am telling the story to myself, and I am but a phantom - a shadowy figure you can picture and imagine however you see fit. I am in no way ashamed of the life I walked away from, but instead I am afraid that my former life will change the way the people I love see me. Here in my life, I am happy. I am free and I wake up every single day absolutely ecstatic about the day. Every single day of my life I wake up with things to look forward do, and it is the most amazing feeling I ever had - and I did it all myself. I once made the mistake of sharing this previous life with a man I was dating years ago, and the conversation turned into an argument of "Why" I didn't run away, or defend myself, or take advantage of the options available to me. for 45 minutes I had to listen to a man tell me all the reasons I should be mad, and unforgiving to the people who hurt me in the past. How does one justify making a girl they claim to care about question herself and her strength - just because he needed me to need him. It's disgusting actually.
I sometimes look back on my old life and I ask myself the same questions... "Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you run away and never come back?" I know why I can never answer myself... Because an adult, who has so much more life and experience than a child does could never truly understand the reasoning for their decisions. I have to trust that when I was there, I made the decisions that I could live with. My 12 year old self would have never responded to these questions - she would have said "you could never understand my life" and walked away. she probably would have flipped me off on the way out the door too. I'm letting her go. Why should I question her motives... The decisions my 12 year old self made might have been hard at the time, but I never let life break me down, I kept my eyes forward toward the light at the end of the tunnel, and I turned that terrible childhood into an amazing life. With so much to live for and so much to look forward to, how could I regret any step of this crazy, happy, sad, and mixed up journey that has become my life. I can barely stand the anticipation of what will happen next.
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