Through reading the progression of this blog and all comments that have been added through the last 2 years I have realized that these entries really don't offer any insight toward the person I really am. I am actually an incredibly optimistic, excitable, and happy 27 year old girl who just happens to have a troubled past that resurfaces from time to time. :-)
When I was a little girl I spent a lot of time alone, not by choice, but because my life situation was not favorable, and I was afraid to express my feelings to others. I was always taught that we keep our problems to ourselves, and that other people didn't want to hear about our sadness and our struggles. This made me learn to keep everything inside. Years of this took a toll on me, and eventually when I was about 10 I began to keep a diary of my thoughts. This was great... I learned that in my darkness I could only truly express my feelings to the pages of my journals. It was safe and sacred... or so I thought.
One day, my mother found my diary, and read it. She sat me down and went through everything from my incorrect spelling and grammar, to my personal feelings toward everyone around me. She mocked me for my crush on the red headed kid with the glasses who sat in front of me in class and my hatred of household chores. She punished me for my personal feelings, and told me that I was wrong - that my feelings of sadness or frustration were wrong. I had never felt more embarrassed or humiliated in my life. To this day, whenever I have a friend who is upset I make it a point to reassure them that our feeling are the only thing in this world that we will ever have be 100% entitled to. Because of this humiliation, I decided to teach my mother a lesson. I planted a fake diary talking about what a low-life someone had to be to read their own daughter's diary. I spoke of how insecure and damaged one had to be to do such a thing... I revealed that this book was nothing more than written words in a fake journal to a woman who raised me to have morals, yet didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions. I spoke of how sad it made me that she had to spy on me because she had no faith in me, and how incredibly offended I was by that. I know she read it... she had to. However, she never spoke a word of it to me, and she probably never will.
Even after this incident, I continued to write my feelings down on paper. It was my only relief - I just had to be sneaky about it. I look back on my old journals and sometimes it seems I wrote more news reports than personal feelings, just out of fear that someone would read these things and mock me for them.
I was severely abused as a child, and somehow I found out that journals held up in court as official evidence if something happened to me a member of my family. Because of this I continued to write about my struggle and my fights. I kept my journal hidden in a secret place. Only my best friend knew where it was. I made him promise me that if something ever happened to me he would be sure to find a way into my house to give it to the people who needed to see it. somehow even at the age of 12 I had already figured out how to live my life in survival mode.
Anyway, After all of this I became weary of the people who I should trust. I feared what they would say if they read my personal thoughts... and I still do. For this reason I hide behind a fake name in my blog. I am free to post my feelings here without worrying what will happen when someone else reads them. You can read all you want, but nothing leads you back to me. I love this kind of freedom.
I love everyday of my life, but sometimes a little bit of the darkness I used to feel creeps back into it. This blog allows me a way to talk about and release it when I have none of my close friends around to discuss it with. This is why I love so much when people comment on my posts. Your encouragement is the little nudge I need to let it go and move on with the day.
Currently in my life, there are a lot of amazing things going on. I am so excited waking up everyday that I can barely stand the anticipation of it. I will be graduating college in just one short month after almost 8 years of procrastination, failed financial attempts, and semesters taken off to work for a living. It took me such a long time but I am actually finishing what I started! I am so excited that I actually do "happy dances" in random places whenever i talk about it (I'm doing one now actually) :-) I made a massed effort to meet new people as most of my friends had left for good, and I had smashing success! I took up running while I was lonely and I ran my first 15k! I also learned that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought. Finally, I met a fabulous man who I am looking forward to getting closer to every day. He is one of the most genuine people I have ever met, and although we are taking it slow and not labeling things just yet, I absolutely love every minute I spend with him. Time will tell if this becomes something real, but in the mean time I am entering into this with an open mind, an open heart, baggage checked at the door, and the willingness to accept anything that comes my way. Life is absolutely fabulous!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
I forgave him...
About 7 years ago, I dated a man (We will just call him Ray for the sake of anonymity). I met him when I was still in high school and we dated for about a year and a half. He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was hooked. We were polar opposites from the beginning, and it seems that the very things that brought us together to begin with were the same things that forced us apart in the end. When you are 18 and 19 years old there is no understanding of compatibility or true compromise. Blame is the primary way to handle arguments and disagreements. Our relationship ended very badly. I felt hurt and betrayed in a way that I never thought possible. I couldn't believe that someone could treat me that way. I don't want to go into the details of the specific reasons we split apart, but he never hit me or was abusive in anyway, our differences were strictly emotional. One day, however, I come across some information about him, decided I was finished, called him up and left 2 voice-mails to him in the middle of the night calling him out on every horrible thing he had done, and telling him to never talk to me ever again. I stuck with it. Several times he attempted to contact me over the years, and each time I refused. I wanted nothing to do with him...
I never really noticed how much I allowed this relationship to dictate my emotions. I have always had a hard time getting close to people. I was disloyal as a partner, I didn't trust anyone, and I was always waiting for someone to screw me over - sometimes going ahead and attempting to get them first. It was my own defense mechanism, and it destroyed so many relationships for me. Whenever I went home to visit my family I would panic if I heard he was possibly going to be the same place as I. I would walk completely around the long way to avoid his workplace and any chance of running into him. It was exhausting.
Last Christmas I went home to see my family and I decided to get my dad a bluetooth headset for his phone. They sold them at the place my ex worked, and I almost chickened out and went the long way again, but something in me decided that It was time. I mustered up all my courage, and forced myself to walk into this place and buy the bluetooth. Ray was right there standing by the counter when I walked in. He seemed excited to see me. He helped me with my purchase, and started talking to me about my life and his, until we started talking about his brother. His younger brother is in a wheel chair and doesn't get out much, so usually when I go home I try to take him out someplace just to get him out of the house (Ray has never objected to this friendship even after we broke up). So he mentioned that we should get together and drag his brother out. At first I was skeptical, but in the end I agreed.
I spoke to him through texts and phone calls over the next couple weeks, and I was surprised by how much he had changed. He told me the story of his most recent relationship and his betrayal by his son's mother and the hell he was going through to fight for joint custody of his son. I thought that hearing he was doing horrible would make me happy, but what I felt was something different. I felt bad for him. I'm sure the guy had plenty of bad karma coming to him over the years, but I am almost 100% positive he has paid the price for his mistakes and then some... I talked to him for a long time, and I listened to his problems, offering advice when I can. One night he even talked to me about the mistakes he had made with me and how incredibly sorry he was for everything he had put me thought. At first I was appalled that he finally decided to apologize after all this time. I thought I didn't need to hear it. As it turns out, I did.
I had been carrying around so much hatred and anger for this man for 7 years. I was over the relationship for sure, but somehow the insecurities I carried around with me had stuck, and I don't know how. I had to forgive him. I had to let it go. This is exactly what I did. In forgiving him, I could finally forgive myself for my own mistakes, and move forward. I talk to him quite often now - usually every week or so. Some of my friends don't understand how I could do it. It's hard to explain your reasoning to people who watched a bad situation with their own eyes. they can't seem to forgive him either... All I can say though is that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It took me a long time to learn trust and loyalty toward the ones I love, and letting go of all that old pain and anger was the final step toward being able to accept these emotions into my heart. In the end, I find that I would rather open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by someone than to never feel trust and love in another person, whether they be a lover or a close friend. I will take any heartbreak in the world before I ever allow myself to go back to that numbness that I lived in for so long. Despite everything, I am a hopeless optimist, and I hope that never changes.
I never really noticed how much I allowed this relationship to dictate my emotions. I have always had a hard time getting close to people. I was disloyal as a partner, I didn't trust anyone, and I was always waiting for someone to screw me over - sometimes going ahead and attempting to get them first. It was my own defense mechanism, and it destroyed so many relationships for me. Whenever I went home to visit my family I would panic if I heard he was possibly going to be the same place as I. I would walk completely around the long way to avoid his workplace and any chance of running into him. It was exhausting.
Last Christmas I went home to see my family and I decided to get my dad a bluetooth headset for his phone. They sold them at the place my ex worked, and I almost chickened out and went the long way again, but something in me decided that It was time. I mustered up all my courage, and forced myself to walk into this place and buy the bluetooth. Ray was right there standing by the counter when I walked in. He seemed excited to see me. He helped me with my purchase, and started talking to me about my life and his, until we started talking about his brother. His younger brother is in a wheel chair and doesn't get out much, so usually when I go home I try to take him out someplace just to get him out of the house (Ray has never objected to this friendship even after we broke up). So he mentioned that we should get together and drag his brother out. At first I was skeptical, but in the end I agreed.
I spoke to him through texts and phone calls over the next couple weeks, and I was surprised by how much he had changed. He told me the story of his most recent relationship and his betrayal by his son's mother and the hell he was going through to fight for joint custody of his son. I thought that hearing he was doing horrible would make me happy, but what I felt was something different. I felt bad for him. I'm sure the guy had plenty of bad karma coming to him over the years, but I am almost 100% positive he has paid the price for his mistakes and then some... I talked to him for a long time, and I listened to his problems, offering advice when I can. One night he even talked to me about the mistakes he had made with me and how incredibly sorry he was for everything he had put me thought. At first I was appalled that he finally decided to apologize after all this time. I thought I didn't need to hear it. As it turns out, I did.
I had been carrying around so much hatred and anger for this man for 7 years. I was over the relationship for sure, but somehow the insecurities I carried around with me had stuck, and I don't know how. I had to forgive him. I had to let it go. This is exactly what I did. In forgiving him, I could finally forgive myself for my own mistakes, and move forward. I talk to him quite often now - usually every week or so. Some of my friends don't understand how I could do it. It's hard to explain your reasoning to people who watched a bad situation with their own eyes. they can't seem to forgive him either... All I can say though is that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It took me a long time to learn trust and loyalty toward the ones I love, and letting go of all that old pain and anger was the final step toward being able to accept these emotions into my heart. In the end, I find that I would rather open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by someone than to never feel trust and love in another person, whether they be a lover or a close friend. I will take any heartbreak in the world before I ever allow myself to go back to that numbness that I lived in for so long. Despite everything, I am a hopeless optimist, and I hope that never changes.
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