I think I figured it out...

I have been feeling lonely lately. I have been having dreams about him, and thinking about him and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. I didn't spend that much time with him. We barely knew each other when it gets down to it, but we know each other's hearts, and that's what I couldn't get over... I don't know his favorite color or the names of all his extended family, but I know his heart, and he knew mine. I know the way he opened me up and made me abandon all of my insecurities. I know how he inspired me, and I watched him open up in front of me. I watched his caution melt away and his sense of adventure surface in a way that it never had before. He holds me responsible for this change. That makes me happy. I miss who I was when I was with him. I hate that I closed myself up again. I want to feel that vulnerable again. I want that rush.

I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.

Darkness

Once we have seen the darkness it stays with us forever. It may go away for years. We may change our lives and reinvent ourselves over and over again, but at sometime that old familiar pain creeps in and renders us helpless. Today is that day for me. And all I need is to get through til the end of the day so I can start over again...

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined"

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately about the things I want and where I want to be in my life. Earlier tonight I was having a conversation with my Roommate about this. He is apparently a big advocate of that book "The secret." For a long time I have believed in the power of energy and karma and affecting the world around us. The more positive energy I have put out the more I have gotten back. With nothing to lose I have decided to give it a try by first writing down my own story of the life I imagine myself happy in sometime in the near future - as though it has already happened. Here goes:

Well I am currently living in California. I spent months putting out resumes and applying for jobs , but It all paid off in the end. I work for the National Park Service doing guide/ranger duties around the park I absolutely love my job and I have the absolute privilege of spending my days out in the wilderness educating others about this beautiful world that I love so much. I am so incredibly greatful to be able to have this wonderful life. I live in a beautiful place and I just purchased a car when I moved here to take this job. It feels great to be independent and living on my own. I have been able to live close enough to my best friends to visit often and spend time with them. I have met a ton of wonderful people since I began working here and I have made some great friends. I just ran my first half marathon and It was such a success that I plan on running a full marathon within the next year. In my training I have also lost 20 lbs and I have so much energy that I just feel fabulous. I have also met an absolutely wonderful man and so far things seem to be going well. He really understands me and has such an amazing sense of adventure that we have a fabulous time in each other's company. I'm so happy about this! I no longer blame myself for the mistakes of my past and I have entered into every friendship and relationship with an open heart and a clean slate. I talk to my family often and they have been so supportive with everything. My life is absolutely fabulous and I will continue to live everyday with this renewed sense of adventure and a passion that I can hardly contain. Thank you so much for allowing this to be a reality!

Religion...

From about the time I was 12 years old I have always fought with the concept of religion and what to believe in and what not to believe in. Incidentally the same time I began to question my faith was around the same time I lost my grandmother, and all hell broke loose. I remember feeling angry with God and just thinking he was against me and He should have never taken my grandmother away from me. Obviously this was the angry hurt feelings of a child who just felt confused about her loss. All religious matters aside, I can't help but think that if someone had sat down with me and explained that death is not an act of vengeance, but a regular part of life I might have understood it better.

Over the years I have seen and explored the concepts of many different faiths trying to find where I belonged and what I believed in. I spent time in Italy and gazed upon the exquisite churches made of marble that took centuries to build. The Duomo in Firenze took 600 years to complete. Although excessive I can't help but feel some respect and maybe some envy for a group of people who feel so strongly about their faith that they are willing to devote their lives to building these giant temples to their God. At the same time, I also visited the Vatican, and while beautiful, I can't help but feel annoyed and somewhat angry that such expensive and intricate detail was put into something like this. Should religion really need to be so luxurious? Simple chapels and lifestyles would convey the same message... I still don't quite know where to go with this.

The reason I got to thinking about religion is because I was watching the video of Sheikh Yusuf al-Qaradawi and his speech on How Hitler was offering divine punishment to the Jews, who he thinks should all be killed. This video actually made me sick.


When you think about it, if you take away all the formalities, and creationist theories, and rituals of religions that make them so different what you are left with are the same basic principals. From Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, and even paganism, each religion reinforces the same basic principals - respect for others, respect for the world around you, a divine being, and respect and love for yourself. How these principals have been twisted into wars and punishment and killing for thousands of years is just crazy to me. I don't understand why people fly planes into buildings, killing both themselves and others and claim that they are doing it in the name of God. I don't understand why my best friend is in Afghanistan getting shot at and car bombed. I don't understand how a man who claims to represent the muslum faith can stand on TV and state that he wants to become a martyr for killing jews because they deserve to be punished when according to his own Koran, pride and Greed are the worst sins a man can have. Charity is a virtue. Where is the line?

Religion has a great message and can provide a hope and faith that many of us need to sustain ourselves. Organized religion is where it seems to get tricky. The political aspects of it and the desire for wealth and power are the reasons that such a beautiful message can be lost. The natural progression of every organization in the world - religious or not - brings out leaders and followers. Some people make the decisions and some people follow them. The taste for power will surely be the demise of all good intentions.

I'm sorry I got political or religious, but I just wanted to vent about a situation that seems to be nothing more than a giant contradiction. If we are supposedly ALL created in the "Image and likeness of God" then why do some people feel that they are created in more likeness than others... I'm not the most religious person in the world. I believe in a God because I don't like the idea of being powerless. I also think that this world is too beautiful for there not to be someone amazing to create it for me. I may not go to church, and I may stick up my nose at most mainstream religious traditions, but I still try to live my life to respect others, the world, and myself - not only for a God, but because I can't look myself in the mirror if I were any other way. Regardless of my personal beliefs, however, I would never find a reason to kill another human being based on his/her own beliefs. Maybe I am naive for writing this. I know that it won't change the world, but I guess we all have to try and be a little piece of the change we wish we could see.

Be my escape

This song came on my pandora on the way to work today. Little did I know that it was going to be a sign. I finally had enough of my everyday. I'm seeking better. Moving to California in 2 months. Here I go!

"Be My Escape" - By Reliant K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

The light at the end of the tunnel. (I hope)

I think I'm finally frustrated enough to make some serious changes in my life. I feel exhausted and tired everyday. I dread going to my job, and facing people who add drama to my life. I have stopped participating in the things I used to love. But I am taking active steps to get out of this funk.

I began applying for jobs all over the place. I have sent out resumes to government environmental jobs in 3 states, 7 resumes in the last week, spoken to coast guard reserve recruiters (who told me I was ineligible), began a peace corps application, began actively seeking an official copy of my grandfather's birth certificate so that I might apply for European citizenship, and finally I have made a couple of contacts to send out resumes to in Southern California. The first one to save me from this rut wins. I'm done.

In a non related story, I was on the phone with my best friend the other night and I was telling him of my plans to get out and the crazy dreams that I have been having lately. I told him about how I have been having dreams of some of my ex-boyfriends. He made some really good points that I had never considered before, and it really helped me to look at things in a different point of view. He told me that he thinks I blame myself for the failed relationships that weren't my fault. I agreed that I did. I came to realize that even though they all either cheated on me, or used me to cheat on someone else (that I didn't know about) I looked at it as karma from the mistakes that I had made in the past. I think my debt has been paid in full and should finally let this go. I have dreams of the situations I walked away from. I truly cared for these people when I was with them, but couldn't see how to forgive them for their betrayals when I discovered them. I think of these decisions. And I realized that in some ways I still cling to these relationships - wondering how they are or what had become if I had stayed and forgiven infidelities. would I be here right now? Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Would I have moved to another country with him?? These are the questions that haunt me in my dreams and force me to consider them in my waking life. Do I think of these situations because I still want them? Or am I actually finally seeking a serious companion and because I have unable to find one I revert back to the places in my past that I once felt comfortably in?? I'm almost sure it is the latter.

For this reason I am letting them go. I am deleting them from my life. I'm removing their numbers from my phone and deleting their emails. I'm blocking their addresses and disconnecting their memberships on my sites. I never realized how much this was holding me back. I carry these scars with me and allow them to hinder my ability to find happiness with another. I don't want to do it anymore. I started with this last night as I removed the first name from my phone book. These ghosts have haunted me for long enough, and I have spent enough time punishing myself for my past mistakes. I am not the girl same girl I once was. I no longer deserve the consequences for my past mistakes. With these changes, perhaps someday soon I can return to the dreamless sleeps that I love and miss so dearly.

An Unexpected Truth

I have a friend visiting me from out of town - A very dear friend, who I haven't seen in over a year. She lives in Germany, but she has made it a point to see me every year since I met her. This time she arrived with a shaved head and a tattoo of pink flowers on her scalp. At first glance, she looks pretty badass to say the least. Looking closer, however tells a different story. The scar above her right breast and the mysterious pills she takes everyday are a clear giveaway... They gave her 18 months. What the hell is that?!?!?!

I'm angry and I'm upset. This disease has managed to take some of the most inspiring people I have ever known. It knows no bounds and it has no discrimination. I'm bitter thinking about the fact that all my cousins have their grandparents still, and have photos at their weddings and graduations with them. I have lost all of mine to the same disease. Gone. I know that we all must die of something, but for such a young girl to face this reality breaks my heart.

She is only 34 years old and the disease has already reached her liver, both her breasts, and is now beginning to attack her bone marrow. She remains hopeful and so do I, but the question remains... How can this happen to someone so young... She is undergoing experimental treatment, and may have a real shot, but the idea of someone speaking about their live in terms of time left and possibility of losing makes me sick to my stomach. What a brave woman she must be to have heard these words and let them slide off her back and say "No that's not long enough, I plan on living much longer than that." I can't even imagine... How dare they put a time limit on my friend's life. The though makes me sick to my stomach.

I know she will put up a fight. She will get through this. She has to.