I can't remember her funeral.

I was watching a movie tonight about a funeral and all the people this loss affected, and it turned me into a frenzy of thoughts and memories. I had a nightmare a few weeks ago. Not the kind of nightmare with boogiemen and spiders, but one about something that could actually happen. It terrified me. I dreamed that my father had a heart attack. We were on vacation someplace. He collapsed onto the floor, and I screamed. I tried to call for help, but I couldn't get my phone to dial 911. I kept trying but I kept pushing the wrong numbers and my hands were shaking. There were people all over the room staring at him convulsing on the floor, and no one was doing anything to help. I was yelling at my sister to dial, but she just stood there with a shocked look on her face unable to move. I started yelling "someone fu**ing call 911! What the fu** is wrong with you people. We have to save him." I got down on the floor and I said I know CPR! I will save him until the paramedics get here. I reached over and rolled him on his back to start, but when I looked at his face, his eyes were rolled back into his head and his mouth was full of yellow bile... I screamed, and then I woke up. It was terrible. I am still haunted by this Image. I can't imagine what my life would be like without him.

I got to thinking about my grandparents and saying goodbye at their funerals. I remember my mommom's funeral when I was 13. She was in a pink casket with gold roses on it. There were pink flowers and she was buried in the dress she wore to my mother's wedding. I didn't understand what was going on or why. I had never been to a funeral until then. I remember I had a moment of realization on the way out of the graveyard. I always waited for her when we went places. I would walk with her and hang out with her. When we were leaving the chapel at the cemetery I remember that moment when I thought to myself "I should wait for mommom" and paused... then remembered that I was here because she had gone. I think that was my first moment of truly understanding what it meant to lose her. My heart broke 1000 times that day.

I remember my grandfather's funeral when I was 19. I remember the casket was the same color of carolina blue as his car. It had a silver cross on it. He wore a gray suit. I remember thinking that his face didn't look quite right, and then realizing that until then, even when he was relaxing alone, his face always appeared to be smiling. This was the first time he looked truly unhappy. It freaked me out. I remember when they went to close his casket I looked at my cousin K and started sobbing that they were going to close it and we were never going to see him again. I couldn't stop crying. I remember dropping a rose onto his coffin at the graveyard and I remember my father began to cry. Fast forward to Thanksgiving day 8 months later. My grandfather was always the center of every holiday. I found myself missing him. After dinner I went to the cemetery to leave a flower on his grave, and I remember feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I started crying saying out loud that he should be home in the warmth - with his family who loves him - not out all alone in this cold dreary cemetery on a day that was supposed to commemorate the people we are blessed to have in our lives. I felt so alone.

I have these clear memories of these funerals and send offs for my grandparents - except for my mommom who passed away the most recently - about 4 years ago... I was closest with her. She was my heart, and I loved her more than anything in the world. Maybe it's because I was living so far away when she actually passed. I remember the flight home. I remember the empty house, but I don't remember a thing about the funeral. Not the casket, color, flowers, viewing, her face, absolutely nothing. I remember that my sister didn't show up for it. I remember hating her for it. She stayed home and tried to tell me it was our fault she wasn't coming. I spent the day being asked over and over again by my whole family where she was, why she didn't come, and what exactly she thought she was doing. Her husband was there - but not her. I don't think I have ever forgiven her for this. I don't remember which church the service was held in, or who I sat with. It's the strangest thing. The only thing I can remember about her funeral was that my sister abandoned me and made me go to it alone. and I really have no idea what to make of it. It's amazing which details of our lives our minds have chosen to hang on to and which ones to let go...

Beauty

There are places in this world that are beautiful without having to try. Blue-green waves crash along white sandy beaches. Mountains covered in green rise up out of the earth like tombstones reaching toward the heavens. The winds blow just perfectly whispering words of beauty into your soul. These are the places that we hold in our fantasies. They give us hope when we have none and inspire our broken wings to learn how to fly - so that we might escape our lives to spend eternity in places like this.

It helps me to sleep better to know that these places are out there. That even on the worst days of my life, these beautiful places exist. They hold no grudges and they keep no memories, and I have seen them.

I'm not sure where I am going next. I hold plenty of memories, and I carry the weight of a lifetime of trials and success, failure and heartbreak. I hold forgiveness in my heart, and grudges on my lips. I wouldn't leave any of it behind. I gave up paradise because the sunshine is never as beautiful as it is right after you have seen a little too much darkness. Still, I take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the world, right now, a beautiful sunset is setting over a place with no memories, and it's waiting for me when and if I should ever decide to return.

I think I figured it out...

I have been feeling lonely lately. I have been having dreams about him, and thinking about him and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. I didn't spend that much time with him. We barely knew each other when it gets down to it, but we know each other's hearts, and that's what I couldn't get over... I don't know his favorite color or the names of all his extended family, but I know his heart, and he knew mine. I know the way he opened me up and made me abandon all of my insecurities. I know how he inspired me, and I watched him open up in front of me. I watched his caution melt away and his sense of adventure surface in a way that it never had before. He holds me responsible for this change. That makes me happy. I miss who I was when I was with him. I hate that I closed myself up again. I want to feel that vulnerable again. I want that rush.

I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.

Darkness

Once we have seen the darkness it stays with us forever. It may go away for years. We may change our lives and reinvent ourselves over and over again, but at sometime that old familiar pain creeps in and renders us helpless. Today is that day for me. And all I need is to get through til the end of the day so I can start over again...

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined"

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately about the things I want and where I want to be in my life. Earlier tonight I was having a conversation with my Roommate about this. He is apparently a big advocate of that book "The secret." For a long time I have believed in the power of energy and karma and affecting the world around us. The more positive energy I have put out the more I have gotten back. With nothing to lose I have decided to give it a try by first writing down my own story of the life I imagine myself happy in sometime in the near future - as though it has already happened. Here goes:

Well I am currently living in California. I spent months putting out resumes and applying for jobs , but It all paid off in the end. I work for the National Park Service doing guide/ranger duties around the park I absolutely love my job and I have the absolute privilege of spending my days out in the wilderness educating others about this beautiful world that I love so much. I am so incredibly greatful to be able to have this wonderful life. I live in a beautiful place and I just purchased a car when I moved here to take this job. It feels great to be independent and living on my own. I have been able to live close enough to my best friends to visit often and spend time with them. I have met a ton of wonderful people since I began working here and I have made some great friends. I just ran my first half marathon and It was such a success that I plan on running a full marathon within the next year. In my training I have also lost 20 lbs and I have so much energy that I just feel fabulous. I have also met an absolutely wonderful man and so far things seem to be going well. He really understands me and has such an amazing sense of adventure that we have a fabulous time in each other's company. I'm so happy about this! I no longer blame myself for the mistakes of my past and I have entered into every friendship and relationship with an open heart and a clean slate. I talk to my family often and they have been so supportive with everything. My life is absolutely fabulous and I will continue to live everyday with this renewed sense of adventure and a passion that I can hardly contain. Thank you so much for allowing this to be a reality!

Religion...

From about the time I was 12 years old I have always fought with the concept of religion and what to believe in and what not to believe in. Incidentally the same time I began to question my faith was around the same time I lost my grandmother, and all hell broke loose. I remember feeling angry with God and just thinking he was against me and He should have never taken my grandmother away from me. Obviously this was the angry hurt feelings of a child who just felt confused about her loss. All religious matters aside, I can't help but think that if someone had sat down with me and explained that death is not an act of vengeance, but a regular part of life I might have understood it better.

Over the years I have seen and explored the concepts of many different faiths trying to find where I belonged and what I believed in. I spent time in Italy and gazed upon the exquisite churches made of marble that took centuries to build. The Duomo in Firenze took 600 years to complete. Although excessive I can't help but feel some respect and maybe some envy for a group of people who feel so strongly about their faith that they are willing to devote their lives to building these giant temples to their God. At the same time, I also visited the Vatican, and while beautiful, I can't help but feel annoyed and somewhat angry that such expensive and intricate detail was put into something like this. Should religion really need to be so luxurious? Simple chapels and lifestyles would convey the same message... I still don't quite know where to go with this.

The reason I got to thinking about religion is because I was watching the video of Sheikh Yusuf al-Qaradawi and his speech on How Hitler was offering divine punishment to the Jews, who he thinks should all be killed. This video actually made me sick.


When you think about it, if you take away all the formalities, and creationist theories, and rituals of religions that make them so different what you are left with are the same basic principals. From Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, and even paganism, each religion reinforces the same basic principals - respect for others, respect for the world around you, a divine being, and respect and love for yourself. How these principals have been twisted into wars and punishment and killing for thousands of years is just crazy to me. I don't understand why people fly planes into buildings, killing both themselves and others and claim that they are doing it in the name of God. I don't understand why my best friend is in Afghanistan getting shot at and car bombed. I don't understand how a man who claims to represent the muslum faith can stand on TV and state that he wants to become a martyr for killing jews because they deserve to be punished when according to his own Koran, pride and Greed are the worst sins a man can have. Charity is a virtue. Where is the line?

Religion has a great message and can provide a hope and faith that many of us need to sustain ourselves. Organized religion is where it seems to get tricky. The political aspects of it and the desire for wealth and power are the reasons that such a beautiful message can be lost. The natural progression of every organization in the world - religious or not - brings out leaders and followers. Some people make the decisions and some people follow them. The taste for power will surely be the demise of all good intentions.

I'm sorry I got political or religious, but I just wanted to vent about a situation that seems to be nothing more than a giant contradiction. If we are supposedly ALL created in the "Image and likeness of God" then why do some people feel that they are created in more likeness than others... I'm not the most religious person in the world. I believe in a God because I don't like the idea of being powerless. I also think that this world is too beautiful for there not to be someone amazing to create it for me. I may not go to church, and I may stick up my nose at most mainstream religious traditions, but I still try to live my life to respect others, the world, and myself - not only for a God, but because I can't look myself in the mirror if I were any other way. Regardless of my personal beliefs, however, I would never find a reason to kill another human being based on his/her own beliefs. Maybe I am naive for writing this. I know that it won't change the world, but I guess we all have to try and be a little piece of the change we wish we could see.

Be my escape

This song came on my pandora on the way to work today. Little did I know that it was going to be a sign. I finally had enough of my everyday. I'm seeking better. Moving to California in 2 months. Here I go!

"Be My Escape" - By Reliant K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You