The body talk Healer

So I decided to go see an eastern medicine, body-talk healer the other day. It seems that everything that can go wrong with my health has gone wrong up to this point, including a UTI, complete with fever and chills that I got to experience last weekend. So I finally decided to go see this woman at my friend's suggestion, and holy shit, was this profound. I'm not making this reader friendly as much as I m making it a memory dump so that I don't forget the experience. I laid down on the table, and Chisako put her hands over my abdomen. She said she could feel a lot going on in my body. She said I was hard to read because usually she follows her chart, but that my body wanted to guide her itself. She said I have a Big Soul, and that I operate at a higher vibration or frequency than "regular people". she told me I have a great deal of power in me - more than I realize, but that I already knew that, didn't I. She touched on something that she told me I forgot from 2013 but that I carry with me. she said it was a fight with a female. But that I am carrying it around with me even though my concious memory forgot about it. Then she turned her attention to my abdomen and said that I carry a lot of grief from a friend who passed in 2019 (Sal). She told me that I knew him from another life, and that our souls made a contract to meet in this life. She said that his purpose was fulfilled which is why he passed whe he did. She said that his sould chose how he would die before he entered this world. She said that nothing anyone could have done or said would have changed that so that I shouldnt carry guilt from it with me. Also, I felt him with me the night before my emergency surgery, and I knew he was with me. She told me that he wasn't there to take me, but to make sure i stayed with my body, because I hadn't yet completed my life's purpose. If I died before I completed my purpose I would be doomed to repeat this life and these lessons again. She then said that I also chose my family before I came into this world. Because I have a generous soul, and that is why I sometimes feel like I take care of them. I decided that in this world I would be about giving. She told me to not forget that I can receive love and I need to draw from others so my give and take balance doesn't leave me in a defecit. She told me that I have a lot of power in me and that I have te power to manifest any life that I want, but that this life that I am living was also manifested. When I was young and had just escaped from my parents house to be on my own for the first time, I remember i was drunk with freedom. I told the universe that I wanted to experience EVERYTHING. I wanted a life of adventure and experiences and to have this one of a kind life. And since then she said my life has been a rollercoaster like an amusement park ride that I ride up and down. She said that I have these crazy things happen to me because i didn't specify when I asked for experiences to say 'happy experiences' so I got everything. She said that the reason I am in the position i am in now is because of that manifestation. But that my mind has decided that it wants an easier expeience and an easier road in life. So It's up to me to physically choose this as well. she said that I have a tendency to box up my feelings and leave them behind and this period of my life is becase of that. Because my body can't carry the weight of all the boxes I have been carrying, and because my soul and my body needed to rest. She said I keep trying to run past this experience without dealing with it and the universe decided i needed to sit and heal and leave my boxes behind by opening and facing them. She told me that I can manifest any life I want. And that I can manifest peace and an easier life. I told her I think I'm Experience'd out and I'm ready for an easier path. Ahe told me to think of it and Manifest it and I would eceive it. She also told me that I have a gift in me of psychic energy and I am selling myself short by not developing it and opening my heart to it. She told me to think with my heart instead of my head, and to sit by myself in these next 5 days, and in 5 days I would leave my baggage behind.

Ramblings of a Medical Malpractice Victim

I dont know how to feel in this post surgery-disaster world in which I am now existing. It feels like time stands still here, but my pre-disaster life feels so far away. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to people like me. I'm young enough, healthy, active, and athletic. I have big plans and trips and gatherings that I need to be at... I need to be there for my father through his chemo, so you can't take me out of the game now... There must be some mistake... THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME. There's got to be a way to opt out of this experience. I'm full of scars... There have been drains all over my torso. At one point I had 4 drains, a catheter, and a stint. HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP HERE?!?!? My pre surgery body wasn't perfect, but it was mine, and I loved it. I was tan and strong from days spent at swim practice and out on the water paddling my board. I had muscle tone, and I trusted in my ability to go on long hikes, and take care of myself... My face wasn't sunken in or bloated with fluid. My skin was soft instead of loose and dry. Like, how the fuck is my skin texture different?!? How does that even happen?! I also had an ass, and boobs that stood up on their own. All I have left is a concave butt, and saggy boobs... Everyone keeps saying I'll get my body back, but I honestlly don't know that I will. I have a stint in my right shoulder that hurts everytime I burp, or Cough, or breath too deep... There's a tube hanging out of my back that drains my pee into a clear bag that gets safety pinned to my pants. Today I tried a new bladder spasm medicine (Because that's still going on 3 weeks post catheter...) And the meds turned my pee a dark neon orange that looks radioactive... This drains into a clear bag that everyone can see.. I was so embarrassed to see it while I was walking the puppy. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am... But what choice do I have? It's either bear the burdon of all these medical procedures, or die. What kind of options are those?! I'm just living through it. Existing. Floating through the whole experience like it's a dream. I'm frozen in a continuous loop, where every day is the same, and all that changes is the intensity of my pain and the person babysitting me. I can't advance further physically because of the drain. I don't feel comfortable in public beause of it. I am constantly worried that it will snag, or get dirty and infected, or something else that is just going to lead to more freakin procedures and another stay in the hospital. I can't take more of that. 18 days of absolute hell...

He was My Soul-Mate

He was my soul-mate. Not the romantic kind, but soul-mate just the same. We met at work, and I loved him instantly. It was almost as if I had known him for decades – and not only a few seconds. I remember the day clearly. I was wrestling around the office with my coworker when we met. He was sitting at the computer – his back to us, trying not to stare at our ridiculousness. One loud “Hi-Ya!!” threw us both onto the floor and he finally turned around, looked at the hilarity of the situation and laughed. I invited him out for a beer, and that was the end of it. We were inseparable from that moment forward, our lives forever entangled. It was like he was supposed to be in my life all along, and I had a hard time remembering that there were 22 years prior in which I existed without him. He was the place I felt safe. He was the happiest part of my day. We never dated, we never kissed, but it was love from the very beginning. He was my brother and my best friend – my protector and my cheerleader. We laughed together and we cried together. We fought like siblings. He could finish my sentences and I knew the punchlines to all his jokes just as well as he did.

Many people have known me in my life, but so few have been able to see into my heart. The real parts of it. He understood the ugly and the broken. He accepted my faults and my crazy and loved me even more because of them. If I thought I could have saved him, I would have walked through hell and back for him. My heart hurts without him. I see his face in my dreams and hear his jokes in my head. I miss him with every ounce of my heart. Many people can talk to us when we are sad, but he could speak to my soul without words. He gave me a safe place to say all the ugly things I am thinking when I am upset. He let me act out on my feelings – good or bad, without judgement, always understanding why – even when I didn’t. I could tell him what he was feeling when he was afraid to say it out loud. He knew I was his safe place as well.

I didn’t care that he was broken. I didn’t care how ugly it got toward the end. I picked him up from the side of the road, the beach, the bar, the police station, the supermarket, and sidewalk benches. I answered every single phone call no matter where I was or how frustrated I was with him, because I was terrified that one day he would be in danger and I would miss the call and lose him. I would have picked it up for 100 more years to keep him safe. I would have picked him up every single time. I wanted to save him so badly, but he couldn’t stay. Just beyond my reach… The addiction took him to a place I couldn’t reach. It locked his mind in a state of unfamiliarity. He couldn’t recognize the difference between friends and enemies, or light-hearted fun and self destruction. The demons took over and claimed his life in the middle of the night. They took his body, but they freed his soul. I hope he found peace. I hope he can hear me and see me. I hope he knows how much I miss him, and how fiercely I loved him. I hope he knows that my world is a little less bright without him. He was my soul-mate, and no amount of time will ever take that from me.

Loss

I took a drive to the places I used to love yesterday. The streets, the exits, and even the shopping centers all reminded me of a life I used to love and a girl I used to be. I loved her the most. She was happy, and brave, and driven. She was beautiful and wild, but still focused and centered. She knew what she wanted in her life and who she wanted to have in it.

I remember waking up at 5am to run into the sunrise before work. I remember days off running the bridge and hiking up mountains to beautiful deserted beaches. I remember nights making pillow forts and cooking dinners together with a man who became my lover and my friend. I remember going to meet up with my best friend for a beer at the end of a long day of running and exploring and being greeted by his smiling face. I remember the bliss in my ignorance of the mortality of the people I loved. I thought my love was timeless. I thought my family was immortal. I thought my best friend would be beside me forever.

I found a strength inside myself that I didn’t know I had. Running served me well. Running Half marathons reminded me that I have an unbelievable strength inside me. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel like no matter what happened in my day, I had something that no one could touch. It was almost a religious experience. 3 miles to turn off the voices in my head. 5 miles to not feel my body. Anything further was the equivalent of nirvana. Being able to exist in nature and beauty without noise in one’s mind, not feeling the bonds of your human body has got to be a spiritual experience in its own right. And as I sit here, with an aching in my back, pain shooting down my right leg, I feel a grief inside me that can only be equivocated to the loss of a loved one. I have come to realize that the loss is me. I lost me.

In the months prior to this I have lost little pieces of myself. And big pieces of myself. My lover betrayed me. My best friend took his own life. My father was injured in an accident that could have taken his life. My job that used to give me such gratification became a place of emotional abuse and stress. The thing that was holding me together was my ability to push the limits of my body. Take that away and I am a shell of who I used to be.

I want to find happiness again. I want to love myself again. But right here in this moment I feel an overwhelming sense of despair. I feel a hopelessness. I feel stuck, and unable to get out of this rut. I want to run away without a trace, but I’m limited in my mobility. How can I run away when I can barely walk around the supermarket without pain? When I left my job I wanted to hike the John Muir Trail. All of that seems like a distant memory. Like a dream I once had and can barely remember.

I feel an overwhelming sense of grief for the loss of my best friend. I lost a piece of my soul with him. I feel an anguish for my relationship ending. I feel animosity, and anger. He didn’t mean to hurt me, but he did. I was a casualty in his story. I am a casualty in my story as well – never asking for enough for myself. Being ok with a half assed-relationship with my half-assed heart. One day this will all be a memory. Maybe I will be too.

Tired ramblings of an active mind

I feel a pain encompassing my chest. It keeps me up late and refuses to release my mind from the fury of its aftermath. I yearn for his attention. I am eager for his closeness. Yet he keeps me an arms length away. I don't know how else to describe this other than just a lack of happiness. I stand waiting for some grand gesture. I'm tired of trying. My heart hurts from his indifference. I feel my questions provoking his irritation. Yet I can't stop myself and I can't walk away. I have never been this person. I am always the one who keeps people an arms length away. I was always the one who shied away from affection and commitment. I never wanted that feeling. Something about him made me want it more than ever. I feel like a love sick junkie. Begging for a dose of the good stuff. I have never been this person... I want an all encompassing love. I want to be swept into the arms of someone who loves me and respects me, and finds me interesting and wonderful. I don't want to doubt myself and question my worth. I used to have value. I want to be looked at like I am the only girl in the world. I feel a bridge forming between us. My relationship has become a power struggle and then filled with indifference. I want a way out of this hole that I am falling into before its too late. And If he isn't the one who will pull me out of it, I suppose I can only ask that he does the polite thing and step away - turning the other direction so he doesn't get the chance to watch me brave it on my own. I've been on this road alone for so long. At least alone I know who I have to count on. I know not to expect much from anyone. Walking away should be the easy option. ... Yet here I stand.

What are we capable of?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other night. We were taking about her father and the unspeakable things he had done to her mom at some point. My response to her was that it was scary to think about these people being capable of terrible things - and how the wives or husbands of murderers and abusers never saw it coming. I said how it's scary to think you might marry someone - not knowing what they are capable of that kind of violence. She responded that she believed from her experiences that humans are all capable of everything given the right conditions. She believes that you or I could kill if we are put under the right conditions. I was shocked. I thought to myself "I'm not capable of that! Never!" Then I got to thinking about this and realizing that to a point she was right and I too had felt that way... It lead to me taking an unwanted visit to my past... Recently, I was talking to another friend of mine about not wanting kids and how I had never wanted them. She was asking me why I felt that way. I gave the answer "Because I have never wanted them". This was true... But I then had a flashback to the original moment these feelings became real. My life as a child was very different. My house was violent and dark. I remember feeling terrible and hiding in the closet trying to stay unnoticed. I remember blood, and bruises and screaming. I remembered the day I decided I wanted to take my own life... And It all came together. I am a rational, lucid, and reasonable person. I have a good heart and a world of happiness and positivity, but when put under the right conditions I wanted to take my own life. I remembered thinking that and looking at different family members who show evidence of mental illness and instability. I have watched these people break and do unspeakable things. My own grandfather took his life when my mother was just a baby. My mother and my sister both show signs of potential violence. Who is to say then that I don't have the same capability. I remembered this thought. I remember the moment of desperation when I decided that if there was even a speck of that inside of me I would do the world a favor and not have children. I couldn't live with myself if I ever inflicted that kind of pain on a child. I'm terrified of what kind of mistakes I could make if another life was entrusted to me. Could this break me too? I think I would rather not find out...

Heartache

I asked the universe for a lover - for someone who could speak to my heart. I thought it answered my call. Then why does my heart still hurt... Your words kill me every day... the ones you refuse to say, the affection you refuse to give, and the trap I feel I've fallen into. I want a man who puts his arms around me when he greets me. I want him to want me - to show desire, and caring. I want him to want to share himself with me. I'm tired of being the last one to know. I'm tired of feeling unimportant. I know he cares but he can't show it. I need more... I won't let this break me down. I have been through too much to compromise myself again.