We are so fragile, our cracking bones make noise, and we are just breakable girls and boys...

I awoke the other night to a feeling of paranoia that I couldn't seem to shake off. A bang in the distance brings me back from my groggy state of half asleep. I feed myself the usual lines of drivel that we are required in order to calm our nerves "It's just the wind, it's just the neighbor, It's just the cat..." Except that I don't have a cat. I finally can't stand it, I get out of bed, grab a tennis racket out of my closet and walk around the house shutting and locking windows, and double checking doors. Is this paranoia, or was someone really looking to enter my home? I'll never know. This is the battle we fight when a man enters your home at 2 am looking for god knows what... I know it was another apartment, I know It shouldn't happen again, but I still can't seem to believe these things. I have never been the kind of girl who spends time worrying about things that "could happen." I'm the girl who will jump out of a plane with a parachute attached to her back and not think twice. The only problem is that this isn't a hypothetical situation. It's not that someone "could" break into my home. Someone did. Once the sanctity of your own home is violated a feeling of unsafe follows you - creeping into your life like a dark shadow that can no longer be ignored. I still picture him standing in my living room - looking almost as shocked to see me as I am to see him. I still don't know why he would look surprised. I live here - He came into MY home. Of all the possible scenarios that played out, I guess I'm just lucky that he was satisfied to take my wallet and keys, and leave me without harm. Still I am haunted with the aftermath of "what if?"

I am not myself as of lately. I can tell when my mind is not healthy - it affects my whole body. I got sick with strep throat last week. I have strange dreams at night. My dreams tell me about my mind. When I am upset or unhappy my unhappiness haunts me in my dreams. It allows me no relief from my discontent. When I am neither happy or unhappy - more in a content phase I have no dreams at all. When I am happy I have frivolous dreams about people I haven't seen in years, and sometimes just the last thing I saw before I fall asleep. It's been this way as long as I can remember.

I need to release myself from this funk. When I feel this way I feel like I have to give myself about a week to feel like it's the end of the world, and then I get tired of playing the victim and I get up and make some changes. I have approximately 3 days left before I overshoot my alloted misery time.

I was doing homework tonight with my roommate Ana, and she was asking me questions about my Astronomy class - and I was answering her - intelligently too. It was good for me. I surprised myself. I sometimes forget that I am a strong. I know that this too shall pass...

Thoughts on One's Own Mortality and the Unconsicous

Lately I have found myself unusually preoccupied with my own mortality. I know why. I have always known why. Ever since I was a little girl I felt like I would not live a full life. It's just a nagging feeling. I have felt this before. I felt it before my grandmother died when I was only 12 years old. I knew the end was coming for her. I found myself wondering what would happen if someone broke into my house literally 3 hours before it happened that night. I don't know why. My body is just programmed this way. I can feel the world around me deep down in my bones. This has been a blessing and a curse. I'm not so deep into the supernatural world that I believe in sorcerers and witches, but I do know believe that there are many levels of consciousness that lie between being awake and being dead. Perhaps locked away in these levels is the ability to really understand the world around us. All it takes is opening our mind to it. I have felt these things since I was a child. Maybe it is because of the troubled childhood that I lived and my desperate need for an escape. I remember being locked out of the house in a t shirt in the dead of winter, and finding a way to sit under a tree and convince myself that I was not cold, and it worked. My goosebumps simply disappeared, and my shivering ceased to exist. I felt like I had unlocked something wonderful - and found myself wondering what else I was capable of. It opened my mind up to the beauty and power of the human mind. Whether I want these feelings or not is no longer a question, they come to me, and as of now I still haven't figured out how to react to them and how to decipher between my own paranoia and a true honest to god gut feeling.

I have always felt that I would not live to old age. When I leave the country I always make sure that my family has access to all of my information just in case. I keep my personal accounts business private, but still easy to access should the situation arise. I put my father's name on things like storage units and bank accounts as a precautionary measure. I make sure to let someone know when I leave town or take a journey to someplace out of the ordinary. I am petrified of car accidents because I have always thought that I would one day get into a tragic accident. I feel that this feeling is more than just basic paranoia, it seems so real to me. I don't share these feelings with anyone else. This burden is mine alone to bear. I live my life to the fullest everyday. After living half of my life in a figurative hell I find myself literally starving in my appetite for life. I just can't seem to get enough of it. I can find the beauty in simple things, and I can truly let every moment sink into my skin. I know how fortunate I am to have been blessed with this extraordinary life, and I refuse to let it go to waste. I can't prevent the inevitable, but I can go on with my everyday affairs and know that although I will never be quite ready to leave this beautiful earth behind, I did my best to enjoy it and try to make it a better place. Can we really ask for more out of life???