Lately I have found myself unusually preoccupied with my own mortality. I know why. I have always known why. Ever since I was a little girl I felt like I would not live a full life. It's just a nagging feeling. I have felt this before. I felt it before my grandmother died when I was only 12 years old. I knew the end was coming for her. I found myself wondering what would happen if someone broke into my house literally 3 hours before it happened that night. I don't know why. My body is just programmed this way. I can feel the world around me deep down in my bones. This has been a blessing and a curse. I'm not so deep into the supernatural world that I believe in sorcerers and witches, but I do know believe that there are many levels of consciousness that lie between being awake and being dead. Perhaps locked away in these levels is the ability to really understand the world around us. All it takes is opening our mind to it. I have felt these things since I was a child. Maybe it is because of the troubled childhood that I lived and my desperate need for an escape. I remember being locked out of the house in a t shirt in the dead of winter, and finding a way to sit under a tree and convince myself that I was not cold, and it worked. My goosebumps simply disappeared, and my shivering ceased to exist. I felt like I had unlocked something wonderful - and found myself wondering what else I was capable of. It opened my mind up to the beauty and power of the human mind. Whether I want these feelings or not is no longer a question, they come to me, and as of now I still haven't figured out how to react to them and how to decipher between my own paranoia and a true honest to god gut feeling.
I have always felt that I would not live to old age. When I leave the country I always make sure that my family has access to all of my information just in case. I keep my personal accounts business private, but still easy to access should the situation arise. I put my father's name on things like storage units and bank accounts as a precautionary measure. I make sure to let someone know when I leave town or take a journey to someplace out of the ordinary. I am petrified of car accidents because I have always thought that I would one day get into a tragic accident. I feel that this feeling is more than just basic paranoia, it seems so real to me. I don't share these feelings with anyone else. This burden is mine alone to bear. I live my life to the fullest everyday. After living half of my life in a figurative hell I find myself literally starving in my appetite for life. I just can't seem to get enough of it. I can find the beauty in simple things, and I can truly let every moment sink into my skin. I know how fortunate I am to have been blessed with this extraordinary life, and I refuse to let it go to waste. I can't prevent the inevitable, but I can go on with my everyday affairs and know that although I will never be quite ready to leave this beautiful earth behind, I did my best to enjoy it and try to make it a better place. Can we really ask for more out of life???
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3 comments:
Wow. I'm really glad that you follow my blog and allowed me to discover yours.
Who in the world locked a child in a t-shirt out of the house in the middle of winter? :-/ There are some things that I just cannot believe some people do to kids.
Thanks for sharing this. I feel weird things like that all the time. You're definitely not alone. :-)
Since my Mom died at a very early age this summer I have had those same thoughts ~ I will die early and I better get on those things I want to do. It's a constant struggle between the pressure of the 'normal Mom' and what I believe parenting could be if we stopped 'dumbing down' our children, over protecting them and letting them fly. Each day I try to infuse something new into my life & my childrens not only to remember my Mom but to celebrate life while we have it.
I really really like your writing
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