We are so fragile, our cracking bones make noise, and we are just breakable girls and boys...

I awoke the other night to a feeling of paranoia that I couldn't seem to shake off. A bang in the distance brings me back from my groggy state of half asleep. I feed myself the usual lines of drivel that we are required in order to calm our nerves "It's just the wind, it's just the neighbor, It's just the cat..." Except that I don't have a cat. I finally can't stand it, I get out of bed, grab a tennis racket out of my closet and walk around the house shutting and locking windows, and double checking doors. Is this paranoia, or was someone really looking to enter my home? I'll never know. This is the battle we fight when a man enters your home at 2 am looking for god knows what... I know it was another apartment, I know It shouldn't happen again, but I still can't seem to believe these things. I have never been the kind of girl who spends time worrying about things that "could happen." I'm the girl who will jump out of a plane with a parachute attached to her back and not think twice. The only problem is that this isn't a hypothetical situation. It's not that someone "could" break into my home. Someone did. Once the sanctity of your own home is violated a feeling of unsafe follows you - creeping into your life like a dark shadow that can no longer be ignored. I still picture him standing in my living room - looking almost as shocked to see me as I am to see him. I still don't know why he would look surprised. I live here - He came into MY home. Of all the possible scenarios that played out, I guess I'm just lucky that he was satisfied to take my wallet and keys, and leave me without harm. Still I am haunted with the aftermath of "what if?"

I am not myself as of lately. I can tell when my mind is not healthy - it affects my whole body. I got sick with strep throat last week. I have strange dreams at night. My dreams tell me about my mind. When I am upset or unhappy my unhappiness haunts me in my dreams. It allows me no relief from my discontent. When I am neither happy or unhappy - more in a content phase I have no dreams at all. When I am happy I have frivolous dreams about people I haven't seen in years, and sometimes just the last thing I saw before I fall asleep. It's been this way as long as I can remember.

I need to release myself from this funk. When I feel this way I feel like I have to give myself about a week to feel like it's the end of the world, and then I get tired of playing the victim and I get up and make some changes. I have approximately 3 days left before I overshoot my alloted misery time.

I was doing homework tonight with my roommate Ana, and she was asking me questions about my Astronomy class - and I was answering her - intelligently too. It was good for me. I surprised myself. I sometimes forget that I am a strong. I know that this too shall pass...