Because there is nothing my mother hates more than celebrating her daughters...

Is I grow older I find that the temporary relationship I formed with my mother has deteriorated beyond all repair. For 23 years we squabbled and danced between the feelings of love that I, as a daughter owe my mother, and the pent up anger and pain she has forced into my life for as long as I remember. For a mere 2 years, it seemed as though my mother and I had set our differences aside long enough to form an actual relationship. For the first time ever, she took an active interest in my life, and it was good. However, tensions have been mounting since the beginning of this year - upon my return to university, and my move to Hawaii. At this point I see no resolution to our situation.

Sometimes I think I can overlook the injustices that she has caused me to endure, but the problem comes as she inflicts these same tantrums on my fragile sister. Despite my differences I have always had with my sister, I will still draw a battle line between her and anyone who dares to hurt her. She may be the older sister, but she is twice as fragile, and takes my mother's constant berating and disapproval to heart. She just can't seem to cut the ties, and continues to endure menacing remarks about her weight at 7 months pregnant, and comments about the greasiness of her hair when she has just woken up from a nap. Things that a mother should never say to her daughter - insults about appearance that would be offensive should she not be 2 months away from giving birth strike her extra deeply when she is already uncomfortable and self conscious of her body. These tensions came to a head last Sunday when my mother threw my sister a baby shower. Since the mention of this event my mother has been telling my sister that she doesn't want to spend the money on her, and criticizing everything my sister wants for her unborn child. Instead of being happy for her first born daughter and excited at the prospect of her first grandchild, my mother turned my sister's special day into nothing less than a circus. She took the day completely away from my sister constantly complaining and throwing a tantrum in front of all her family and friends. On the way out of the restaurant, her relatives were apologizing my my mother's unacceptable behavior. My sister called me an hour later - crying about what a horrible day it was. As the title of this blog would indicate, there is nothing my mother hates more than celebrating her daughters. She couldn't let my sister have one day to herself - just one day where she doesn't make her cry. If she decides to so something nice for us, she has to detract from it - telling us that we OWE her or throwing in a few cheap shots just for the hell of it. My entire life, birthdays, holidays, barbecues, church functions... my mother shows up with her phony smile on her face- playing the role of mother of the year, never letting on any trace of what she has been doing behind the scenes. I am growing a hatred for her. As she gets older she is so unhappy that all she can do to get through the day is complain about everyone else. I can't be a part of this anymore. I find it impossible to sit quietly in the room when she verbally attacks my sister and my father. I can't keep my mouth shut when she starts putting me down in a room full of my relatives. My tongue is sharp, and I am aware that my words cut deep. I sometimes feel bad for this, but I have no control over it anymore. I find in keeping my mother in my life, I myself turn into a person I don't like. My words are powerful, but I hate using them to knock someone else down, yet I can't keep them inside of me while someone else knocks me down. In fighting a battle to appeal to my mother's likings, I will lose the ability to conquer the rest of my everyday tasks. I can't do it anymore, and I refuse to become a victim of her rage again - so late in the game. I live 6000 miles away from her, and one phone conversation can still make my blood boil. I will walk away, and walk on, and stand tall beside my sister, but until she can make peace with herself, there is no way there can be a peace between my mother and I.