Who am I

Through reading the progression of this blog and all comments that have been added through the last 2 years I have realized that these entries really don't offer any insight toward the person I really am. I am actually an incredibly optimistic, excitable, and happy 27 year old girl who just happens to have a troubled past that resurfaces from time to time. :-)

When I was a little girl I spent a lot of time alone, not by choice, but because my life situation was not favorable, and I was afraid to express my feelings to others. I was always taught that we keep our problems to ourselves, and that other people didn't want to hear about our sadness and our struggles. This made me learn to keep everything inside. Years of this took a toll on me, and eventually when I was about 10 I began to keep a diary of my thoughts. This was great... I learned that in my darkness I could only truly express my feelings to the pages of my journals. It was safe and sacred... or so I thought.

One day, my mother found my diary, and read it. She sat me down and went through everything from my incorrect spelling and grammar, to my personal feelings toward everyone around me. She mocked me for my crush on the red headed kid with the glasses who sat in front of me in class and my hatred of household chores. She punished me for my personal feelings, and told me that I was wrong - that my feelings of sadness or frustration were wrong. I had never felt more embarrassed or humiliated in my life. To this day, whenever I have a friend who is upset I make it a point to reassure them that our feeling are the only thing in this world that we will ever have be 100% entitled to. Because of this humiliation, I decided to teach my mother a lesson. I planted a fake diary talking about what a low-life someone had to be to read their own daughter's diary. I spoke of how insecure and damaged one had to be to do such a thing... I revealed that this book was nothing more than written words in a fake journal to a woman who raised me to have morals, yet didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions. I spoke of how sad it made me that she had to spy on me because she had no faith in me, and how incredibly offended I was by that. I know she read it... she had to. However, she never spoke a word of it to me, and she probably never will.

Even after this incident, I continued to write my feelings down on paper. It was my only relief - I just had to be sneaky about it. I look back on my old journals and sometimes it seems I wrote more news reports than personal feelings, just out of fear that someone would read these things and mock me for them.

I was severely abused as a child, and somehow I found out that journals held up in court as official evidence if something happened to me a member of my family. Because of this I continued to write about my struggle and my fights. I kept my journal hidden in a secret place. Only my best friend knew where it was. I made him promise me that if something ever happened to me he would be sure to find a way into my house to give it to the people who needed to see it. somehow even at the age of 12 I had already figured out how to live my life in survival mode.

Anyway, After all of this I became weary of the people who I should trust. I feared what they would say if they read my personal thoughts... and I still do. For this reason I hide behind a fake name in my blog. I am free to post my feelings here without worrying what will happen when someone else reads them. You can read all you want, but nothing leads you back to me. I love this kind of freedom.

I love everyday of my life, but sometimes a little bit of the darkness I used to feel creeps back into it. This blog allows me a way to talk about and release it when I have none of my close friends around to discuss it with. This is why I love so much when people comment on my posts. Your encouragement is the little nudge I need to let it go and move on with the day.

Currently in my life, there are a lot of amazing things going on. I am so excited waking up everyday that I can barely stand the anticipation of it. I will be graduating college in just one short month after almost 8 years of procrastination, failed financial attempts, and semesters taken off to work for a living. It took me such a long time but I am actually finishing what I started! I am so excited that I actually do "happy dances" in random places whenever i talk about it (I'm doing one now actually) :-) I made a massed effort to meet new people as most of my friends had left for good, and I had smashing success! I took up running while I was lonely and I ran my first 15k! I also learned that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought. Finally, I met a fabulous man who I am looking forward to getting closer to every day. He is one of the most genuine people I have ever met, and although we are taking it slow and not labeling things just yet, I absolutely love every minute I spend with him. Time will tell if this becomes something real, but in the mean time I am entering into this with an open mind, an open heart, baggage checked at the door, and the willingness to accept anything that comes my way. Life is absolutely fabulous!!!