Somehow it always happens. Same story every time. Girl meets boy. Boy seems like a wonderful person. Girl lowers walls to let boy in. Boy plays the part excellent. Then a month into it boy informs girl that she is the "other woman" - that he had a girlfriend the whole time. SERIOUSLY???? Are you kidding me???? It happened the same with the Australian boy who told me he loved me and made plans to be with me- until one day I got an email telling me he had a fiancé... asking if he should leave her for me... WHO DOES THAT?? Then there was the pilot, who I went back and forth with for months, only to think things were changing and then woke up to the message on his phone going off next to me "Hey baby, hope you have a great day! I love you and miss you!" Now, finally there is the Sailor who made plans to meet my family, and hold my hand, and tell me how wonderful he thought I was - right up until he explained that he never ended it with his girlfriend and he plans on continuing a long distance relationship with her when she moves to The Philippines... Where the hell do I find these people????
I live a lot of my life in the "gray areas" so to speak, but these are lines I do not cross. In my head there is still always going to be a distinction between loyalty and infidelity - Between good and bad, and right and wrong. There are many roles I am willing to play in this careful balancing act that has become my life, but the role of "mistress" will never be one of them. If he did it to her he will do it to me. I don't fool myself with stories of men changing for someone, and thinking I'm special enough to keep him faithful. I am special... But I'm not naive. I will never be the girl who drives by someone's house, or goes snooping through his call logs. I'll never question where he is going and with whom. I believe that when we meet someone, whether it me a relationship, friendship, or family member, we have 2 choices - We can trust them, or we can not. The point where the trust is lost is the moment these relationships become strained and broken. If there is no trust, there is no point. I will not beat myself up over this.
I spent so much of my life trying to keep people away - trying to pretend these actions didn't phase me. I didn't let anyone into my heart for fear that they would break it. I didn't trust anyone for fear that they would hurt me and let me down. I have changed this. I embrace my heartbreaks and my disappointments in exchange for the fabulous feelings of love and happiness that tearing down these walls has afforded me. The love I receive from my friends and the trust I have been able to develop has literally changed my life. I have so much happiness surrounding me everyday that I can barely put it into words.
Years ago this recent news about the man I was seeing would have closed me up all over again. Today, however it will do no such thing. Somewhere between being closed off and being blind there is a a happy medium. I will take any heartbreak in the world over going back to that dead dark place again. I may have been disappointed and a little hurt over the situation, but I know that it is just one bump in the road that I am sure to recover from in record time. I surround myself with love everyday. I have wonderful friends who are like family to me who give me reasons to smile, and a feeling of safety. I know that I am unique, and in a world that undervalues uniqueness I am a gamble to love. Until I find someone who values me enough to put me first I will continue to sustain myself on the undeniable, exuberant amount of love I receive from the people who have been wonderful enough to touch my heart.
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