I forgave him...

About 7 years ago, I dated a man (We will just call him Ray for the sake of anonymity). I met him when I was still in high school and we dated for about a year and a half. He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was hooked. We were polar opposites from the beginning, and it seems that the very things that brought us together to begin with were the same things that forced us apart in the end. When you are 18 and 19 years old there is no understanding of compatibility or true compromise. Blame is the primary way to handle arguments and disagreements. Our relationship ended very badly. I felt hurt and betrayed in a way that I never thought possible. I couldn't believe that someone could treat me that way. I don't want to go into the details of the specific reasons we split apart, but he never hit me or was abusive in anyway, our differences were strictly emotional. One day, however, I come across some information about him, decided I was finished, called him up and left 2 voice-mails to him in the middle of the night calling him out on every horrible thing he had done, and telling him to never talk to me ever again. I stuck with it. Several times he attempted to contact me over the years, and each time I refused. I wanted nothing to do with him...

I never really noticed how much I allowed this relationship to dictate my emotions. I have always had a hard time getting close to people. I was disloyal as a partner, I didn't trust anyone, and I was always waiting for someone to screw me over - sometimes going ahead and attempting to get them first. It was my own defense mechanism, and it destroyed so many relationships for me. Whenever I went home to visit my family I would panic if I heard he was possibly going to be the same place as I. I would walk completely around the long way to avoid his workplace and any chance of running into him. It was exhausting.

Last Christmas I went home to see my family and I decided to get my dad a bluetooth headset for his phone. They sold them at the place my ex worked, and I almost chickened out and went the long way again, but something in me decided that It was time. I mustered up all my courage, and forced myself to walk into this place and buy the bluetooth. Ray was right there standing by the counter when I walked in. He seemed excited to see me. He helped me with my purchase, and started talking to me about my life and his, until we started talking about his brother. His younger brother is in a wheel chair and doesn't get out much, so usually when I go home I try to take him out someplace just to get him out of the house (Ray has never objected to this friendship even after we broke up). So he mentioned that we should get together and drag his brother out. At first I was skeptical, but in the end I agreed.

I spoke to him through texts and phone calls over the next couple weeks, and I was surprised by how much he had changed. He told me the story of his most recent relationship and his betrayal by his son's mother and the hell he was going through to fight for joint custody of his son. I thought that hearing he was doing horrible would make me happy, but what I felt was something different. I felt bad for him. I'm sure the guy had plenty of bad karma coming to him over the years, but I am almost 100% positive he has paid the price for his mistakes and then some... I talked to him for a long time, and I listened to his problems, offering advice when I can. One night he even talked to me about the mistakes he had made with me and how incredibly sorry he was for everything he had put me thought. At first I was appalled that he finally decided to apologize after all this time. I thought I didn't need to hear it. As it turns out, I did.

I had been carrying around so much hatred and anger for this man for 7 years. I was over the relationship for sure, but somehow the insecurities I carried around with me had stuck, and I don't know how. I had to forgive him. I had to let it go. This is exactly what I did. In forgiving him, I could finally forgive myself for my own mistakes, and move forward. I talk to him quite often now - usually every week or so. Some of my friends don't understand how I could do it. It's hard to explain your reasoning to people who watched a bad situation with their own eyes. they can't seem to forgive him either... All I can say though is that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It took me a long time to learn trust and loyalty toward the ones I love, and letting go of all that old pain and anger was the final step toward being able to accept these emotions into my heart. In the end, I find that I would rather open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by someone than to never feel trust and love in another person, whether they be a lover or a close friend. I will take any heartbreak in the world before I ever allow myself to go back to that numbness that I lived in for so long. Despite everything, I am a hopeless optimist, and I hope that never changes.