Thoughts on One's Own Mortality and the Unconsicous

Lately I have found myself unusually preoccupied with my own mortality. I know why. I have always known why. Ever since I was a little girl I felt like I would not live a full life. It's just a nagging feeling. I have felt this before. I felt it before my grandmother died when I was only 12 years old. I knew the end was coming for her. I found myself wondering what would happen if someone broke into my house literally 3 hours before it happened that night. I don't know why. My body is just programmed this way. I can feel the world around me deep down in my bones. This has been a blessing and a curse. I'm not so deep into the supernatural world that I believe in sorcerers and witches, but I do know believe that there are many levels of consciousness that lie between being awake and being dead. Perhaps locked away in these levels is the ability to really understand the world around us. All it takes is opening our mind to it. I have felt these things since I was a child. Maybe it is because of the troubled childhood that I lived and my desperate need for an escape. I remember being locked out of the house in a t shirt in the dead of winter, and finding a way to sit under a tree and convince myself that I was not cold, and it worked. My goosebumps simply disappeared, and my shivering ceased to exist. I felt like I had unlocked something wonderful - and found myself wondering what else I was capable of. It opened my mind up to the beauty and power of the human mind. Whether I want these feelings or not is no longer a question, they come to me, and as of now I still haven't figured out how to react to them and how to decipher between my own paranoia and a true honest to god gut feeling.

I have always felt that I would not live to old age. When I leave the country I always make sure that my family has access to all of my information just in case. I keep my personal accounts business private, but still easy to access should the situation arise. I put my father's name on things like storage units and bank accounts as a precautionary measure. I make sure to let someone know when I leave town or take a journey to someplace out of the ordinary. I am petrified of car accidents because I have always thought that I would one day get into a tragic accident. I feel that this feeling is more than just basic paranoia, it seems so real to me. I don't share these feelings with anyone else. This burden is mine alone to bear. I live my life to the fullest everyday. After living half of my life in a figurative hell I find myself literally starving in my appetite for life. I just can't seem to get enough of it. I can find the beauty in simple things, and I can truly let every moment sink into my skin. I know how fortunate I am to have been blessed with this extraordinary life, and I refuse to let it go to waste. I can't prevent the inevitable, but I can go on with my everyday affairs and know that although I will never be quite ready to leave this beautiful earth behind, I did my best to enjoy it and try to make it a better place. Can we really ask for more out of life???

Missing my heart

So I was talking to my friend Laurnan the other day and we were discussing how much things have changed in the last year. This last year has flown by so fast. It has been a year of transition for me. this time last year i was anxiously awaiting my graduation, and the arrival of my parents in San Francisco. I knew I was on the brink of something different and new, but I had no idea to what this extent this was. This time last year I had no idea that my grandmother was dying. I was ignorant to the fact that cancer had taken over her body. I can hardly believe it all happened, and I can hardly believe that it was over 9 moths ago that this all happened. Time in Hawaii Stands still. Here in paradise there are no seasons, no ends and no beginnings. the waves and the ocean are constant and thus, so is life.

I find that I miss my grandmother a lot, but it is a different kind of miss that I was not familiar with. When my other grandparents passed away it was an aching, sense of constant loss that overcame me and practically crippled me. Sorrow and grief. I went through my loss and these feelings, but it has changed to a different kind of missing her now. The only way I can think of to describe this loss is like My best friend who gets sent away for a while and I am just dying to talk to about my day. I have so much I want to tell her and so many exciting things I want to share with her. I want to tell her the details of my adventure to Australia, and about how I might take a roadtrip home with my good friend. I want to tell her how paranoid I get when I hear noises outside my house at night since that man invaded my house. I just miss the everyday being able to talk to her and tell her these ordinary things.

Maybe I don't feel grief because I am so far away. Maybe it is because I got to know her so much better than I did my other grandparents. I have spent thousands of hours talking to her and laughing with her. She knew me - the real me, and I knew her. I have no regrets. Her spirit lives on. I talk about her with my sister and my cousins and sometimes I catch myself referring to her in the present - saying things like "My grandmother is so funny." We speak of her as if she never left us. Maybe she hasn't. I remember right after she passed away - taking a ride up to Humboldt, and I could feel her all around me. I could feel her presence in the car with me. It felt like she could have been sitting in the back seat. I felt her looking through my eyes. I don't know how to describe it, but I knew she was there. I feel like she is watching me right now as well. Right this second i feel tingles up and down my spine. Maybe she knows I am talking about her. Maybe there is some unknown channel that we dial with our unconscious that lets her know that we are thinking about and need her to listen - to be there... I don't feel these feelings everyday, and I consider this is a good thing. I think my grandmother is happy and safe in her own heaven with my grandfather. She lived a long and full life, and I don't think she spends her whole eternity looking back on us. She loved us the best she could when she was alive, and gave us everything she could, so I am happy she doesn't spend her afterlife dwelling on the ones she left behind. In my mind I picture her returning back to her younger self - walking - for the first time in 20 some years without the aid of a walker or a cane, strolling along some enchanted garden with my grandfather - smiling and happy. That's all any of us could ask for her.

I know life will go on without her, and I know this feeling of missing her will never completely go away, but it will become smaller and smaller in time as I find new people to share my heart with. She is alive in her spirit, and she exists all around me, and every memory we have will keep a part of her alive. I know she will be following me all summer - Yelling at me when I get into trouble, telling me to watch myself when i come up with bad ideas (which I always do), and laughing with me during my happy times. I think she would be happy to see the things that I have accomplished since her death... in fact, I know she would.
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