My Secret

So I have been following the Post secret project for many many years now. You might have seen in on this site under the heading http://postsecret.blogspot.com. It's a project where you mail in your secrets and Tom, the guy who started the project posts them on the internet every week. He also prints books withthem. I have to say that it is an absolutely inspiring and fascinating project, and I have been addicted to the blog for years now. I also own all the books!

Anyway, Years ago I too mailed in a secret. My deepest secret. It never appeared in the page. I almost felt like I needed to see it though. It needed to be tangible and real, and put to rest... so instead, since I blog anonymously anyway, I am posting it here. So here you have it, the secret I mailed in with a piece of a 15 year old suicide note attached to it. It said:

"In all seven suicide attempts the one thing I have learned is that I am an utter failure at death - but that it is the only thing in the world that I will ever be unable to conquer."

Goodbye secret. Rest in peace. I don't need you to define my success anymore, I'll let my happiness do that instead.

How to let go

I find as I get older, that my relationships with men never work out. I know that I am the problem. I don't allow men to get close to me. I have a thousand male friends who I give my heart away to, but as for the men who want to know me - who want a piece of my soul I can't seem to open my heart up to love. I have become hardened to it. My secret, however, is that i think behind my front, I want to be able to fall in love, It's just easier to not try.

I have a close friend named Laurie. Laurie is a rather talkative drunk, and has a habit of disclosing her secrets every time she gets a little tipsy. These are big secrets too. She once told an entire table of practical strangers and friends that she had an abortion from a man 8 years younger than she. I think she does it on purpose. she wants to release her secrets, so she uses alcohol as an excuse to do it. How free she must feel! She can speak freely about her life experiences in front of any company. She doesn't have to cut her stories short because she has a friend in the room who she hasn't told her secrets to. I envy her for this. I want to be that free.

I stop myself from getting into relationships because I don't want to disclose my secrets. I have so many other stories of places I have been and trouble I have started that i can detract others from realizing that In babbling for hours, I have not shared anything about myself. The smart ones can see right through me. Not many can. I refuse to let a man hold me if I am upset because i can't stand the surge of emotion and the feeling of my walls being torn down. It makes me feel as though my flesh were tearing in half. I know why this is, of course. My stories are not unique and my bruises are not special. i wear the same scars that every other woman displays. but I don't know how to get past them. I don't know how to get over Raymond who left me the night I terminated the life of our unborn child to be with his other girlfriend. I don't know how to forget that My ex Kristian Lead me on and then tried to trade me in for 3 of my best friends. I don't know how to admit to myself that Bryant made my feel so insignificant. He would pretend to care, and give me his body, but let me know that he was looking to give his heart away to someone else. He told me of course that he would say these things hoping to make me mad enough to confess my love to him. I could never love him. I was too busy trying to pretend that he didn't matter. The list could go on forever. I, of course have crumbled the hearts of others. I've almost enjoyed it. How do I let this go? How do you stitch up your heart and allow it to love again...