My Secret

So I have been following the Post secret project for many many years now. You might have seen in on this site under the heading http://postsecret.blogspot.com. It's a project where you mail in your secrets and Tom, the guy who started the project posts them on the internet every week. He also prints books withthem. I have to say that it is an absolutely inspiring and fascinating project, and I have been addicted to the blog for years now. I also own all the books!

Anyway, Years ago I too mailed in a secret. My deepest secret. It never appeared in the page. I almost felt like I needed to see it though. It needed to be tangible and real, and put to rest... so instead, since I blog anonymously anyway, I am posting it here. So here you have it, the secret I mailed in with a piece of a 15 year old suicide note attached to it. It said:

"In all seven suicide attempts the one thing I have learned is that I am an utter failure at death - but that it is the only thing in the world that I will ever be unable to conquer."

Goodbye secret. Rest in peace. I don't need you to define my success anymore, I'll let my happiness do that instead.

"If I become anther, dig me up from what is covering the better part of me"

Throughout the many chapters of my life I have sometimes come to question the value of my relationships. This is not in the sense of what other people, mean to me, but what I, as a person mean to myself, and how I let that sense dictate my relationships with the men that come into and out of my life. For as long as I can remember I have always shied away from serious relationships and commitments. I tell myself of how bad I am at relationships and how I am a cheater, and I am incapable of love. At first I began to tell myself these things as a comfort to why my relationships always seem to fail - I mean the only constant feature of all your failed relationships is you, correct? I am a constant feature - a self fulfilling prophecy. I get scared at the idea of feelings, and I don't know how to compromise. Eventually I guess i noticed that there is some truth to these beliefs.

Through the progression of scum bags and sleaze balls that has been marching into and out of my home and my life, over the past 8 years or so, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be loved. that I don't want anyone... Me and relationships just don't work out. Now I see it for what it really is - I subconsciously gravitate toward men who have nothing in common with me so that I know I have a reason to end it. In this same manner, I find that I choose men who are looking for the same...

I tell myself that I am just not the kind of girl you date... I'm good for a fling, or to go out and have some fun, but that I personally don't possess the qualities needed to make someone want to love me. I don't know how I started to let myself believe this. I, in all my confidence, and fire allowed myself to feel cheap and devalued by too many years of only meeting the kind of individuals that thrive on selfishness and power. I'm ashamed of myself. The same qualities that I love so much in myself and seek so deeply in others are the things that make me believe that I am not good enough to hold onto the attention of another. I don't understand why.

I am spontaneous, and wild. I live everyday of my life as if the world will end tomorrow. I love to go out and meet new people. I am outgoing, and exciting, yet by society's definitions I am a gamble to love. I have even had close friends of mine tell me that they would be afraid to love me because they need to know that the person they fall for isn't going anywhere, I can't give them that. Some people need stability... My personal vendetta is in those who refuse to learn that there is more to me than bars and boobs. The me that I share with my friends is compassionate and feeling. I am talented and thoughtful, I am not just some dumb chick you met at the bar. I am disappointed with that I allowed myself to be anyone's second best.

For as long as I can remember I allowed myself to be held by men with no aspirations, or who had girlfriends who i didn't know about. Men who only call to hang out for drinks at night but never attempt to see me during the day, or others who want to continue to see me but never to date. I feel like I am the girl who occupies your time while you look for someone to love. I have been getting the crap end of relationships for as long as I can remember - listening to all the nice things they have done for girls in the past, but never having them done for myself, or finding the one broke idiot who can only afford to sit at his house watching movies unless I pay for us to do something else. I do this until I get fed up and stop answering phone calls and essentially disappear without explanation. I feel that if you need an explanation, you are too stupid to understand it anyway.

Dating is a game, I get that, and to be honest, I'm good at it - never allowing the other person to get the better of me - always keeping my guard up - expecting some sort of inexcusable behavior is waiting somewhere in the near future - and I'm usually right. I'm tired of inappropriate texts from my exes, or obnoxious comments from the ones I meet. I'm sick of the oblivion of an idiot who hasn't figured out that when I run into you and some blond in public when you are supposed to be out with me, I really don't want you to call me on Saturday night to get drinks. (And for the record to anyone who didn't know, No man has any honorable intentions when he calls a woman after 11pm asking to meet up - these intentions become even less honorable when he has been drinking).

I am DONE! Period! End of sentence! D-O-N-E DONE! I am worth more than drinks at 12am. I am more than a pair of double D's. I'm through with making the same mistakes over and over. DONE!

I know some of you reading this are thinking "oh wow she wants a relationship." Don't jump to any conclusions... I don't really know what I do want right now, all I know is what I don't. I'm not lonely by any means... I am living in my favorite city, surrounded by my closest friends. I get hugged, and encouraged, and told that I am loved. I am not lacking any love whatsoever. I simply woke up today and something in me just snapped. I realized that I am the reason my relationships never work out. I am the one who allows this to happen and I have no one to blame but myself. It is a mistake that I won't soon make again. I want to be as inspired and excited to see the person I date as I am to see my best friends. I want to be accepted, and valued for the uniqueness I possess. I don't want to tell someone all about me, I want them to put the puzzle together on their own. And until I meet someone who can do this for me, I don't want to be bothered at all. I'm making changes in my life as of today and I am finished being that obnoxious story of the wild girl in someone else's scrapbook that only takes up an eighth of the page...

Late night sadness

It's May of 2007. I am 24 years old and I am finally receiving my associates degree from community college. I'm excited and happy over this small victory. My parents have come out to visit me and all of my friends are out and about for the celebration. We have a week planned of all sorts of great things to do together. I'm feeling on top of the world.

Fast forward to the second to last day of my parent's visit. I am at fisherman's wharf lagging back with my father as my mother drags us through more stores than I have ever wanted to visit in one day. I'm freezing cold from the wind, and my father looks just as annoyed as me. That's when it hits... a Bomb goes off. I can't see anything, and can barely believe it is happening... Only it wasn't a bomb at all. It was the sound my heart made when my father explains to me that my grandmother is not going to get better this time, and that she has decided to stop treatments. My eyes swell with tears, but I can't let them go. Not in this public place- not in front of my mother and father. I have got to get out of here. I need to get out of here NOW!

It's the next day, and I just dropped my parents off at the airport and return the rental car. I board the F-Line from fisherman's wharf to head downtown to go to work. As I board the train my phone rings - a frantic call from my sister. she demands to know if they told me or not... Apparently she has known all along. she tells me stories of "do not resuscitate" orders that now hang from my grandmother's freezer and bed post. I hear about the stranger from hospice care who has taken up permanent residence in my grandmother's home - in the bed that i used to sleep in when I spent the night as a child. My head is spinning and my heart is racing. I can't breathe again. Tears welling up... I can't cry here. I need to Get out of here NOW! I try to calm myself with reminders that my sister is a hyperchondriac and she is probably just stoned again, but it's too late. Tears are pouring our of my eyelids and collecting in a shallow pool at the rim of my plastic sunglasses. I'm broken.

Fast forward 1 year and 8 months later. It's may of 2009. I'm sitting up in my house in Hawaii. It's 3am, and I am recalling every single memory I have of her and every detail of how I ended up here. Surprisingly there is an old blog of mine that commemorates every feeling I had through the process. A feeling of apathy has taken over my body. Laziness has held me in its firm grip for a month now. I feel ugly, and think I am visibly gaining weight. I couldn't land a summer internship because of this broken economy. I'm heading to visit my family 2 weeks to celebrate the christening of my beautiful new niece. My positivity is fading more and more by the day. I somehow started to feel something for a man who is completely wrong for me, and although I know he is wrong I can't help but wonder if I looked more like a barbie doll would he have been more interested in me? I'm not broken, but I am bruised. Right here in this very moment, all I want is a glance of her smile, and a word of encouragement. I want to feel the anticipation of going home to see her. I want to sit up for hours at the kitchen table talking and laughing with her. I want to see the excitement in her eyes when I come home for the first time in months and she knows that she is the first person I came to see.

I want to feel the acceptance of someone who, unlike my mother, honestly has my best interests in mind. I want to be able to make a decision without receiving unwelcome and unsolicited advice from someone who has never taken an interest in my life but has no problem with demanding that I live it the way she would like. I want the motivation to get out of this desk chair and do something with my day other than sleep and eat. I am fading out, and I'm worried for myself, and I don't know how to ask for help.

I have nightmares about strange things and my dreams continue to refuse to let me sleep through the night. I buy books on self fulfillment, and meditation, but I don't read them. I call to reserve a storage unit for my belongings but I don't finalize it. I think about how much school work I have to finish, but I don't do it. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I feel complete and total loss of motivation, and I can't help but feel overcome with the sensation of loss and missing her. Sometimes, even after all this time, I still feel like I lost the only person who will ever understand and know how to speak to my soul.

My blanket doesn't smell like home anymore

Since I was a little girl, there was always a yellow blanket at my grandmother's house that I loved. She knitted it herself, and the spaces between the threads are far enough apart that the blanket might seem to be more for show than for warmth. It's thick sunshine colored threads and purposefully frayed edges, however, seem to provide the exact amount of heat needed at any time and any season. Over the years, this blanket as adorned my playpen as a baby, and served as my companion on the floor while watching television. When I finally moved away from my hometown, I would take the red eye flight home to visit, and spent hours sitting on the couch catching up with my grandmother until sleep slowly overtook me and I fell into a long deep slumber. When I would wake up, I would always find this little yellow blanket thrown over my body. It felt like home.

It's no surprise then that when my grandmother passed away a couple years ago, this was the one memento that I personally removed from her house. When I look at it, something just reminds me of home, and I forget how drastically my life has changed over the last 2 years. A little piece of me remembers that I didn't always refer to California as my "home," and that I would spend weeks in anticipation of going to New Jersey and being in the company of the one person in my life who ever truly understood me and loved me anyway. It sounds silly, but this blanket isn't just some stupid trinket like Lunis would carry around for security in the Peanuts comics, it is a piece of everything that was good about my childhood - it is the work of love from my grandmother. Until recently, Somehow this blanket has somehow retained a faint trace of the scent of her home. Maybe it was in my mind, but the smell of her house had seemed to be permanently ground into the fabric of the threads... Until Now.

I know it is obvious that after 2 years, anything can lose its original scent, but it still made me sad to realize that the traces of my grandmother have finally removed themselves from my blanket, and I guess I just miss her. My life is moving on, and so am I. My family has grown in so many ways. I have gained 3 cousins and a niece since she left my life - all of whom I love dearly. Family events don't seem as empty as they did that first Christmas without her, but every once in a while my mind takes me back to a different part of my life, and I feel ashamed for denying that it was once my world. I don't want to lose the memories I once cherished so much, or the lessons that I finally understand... Remembering my grandmother reminds me that despite everything that happened, there was beauty and happiness in my childhood. Sometimes I try so hard to shut out the bad that I block out the good as well.

I have filled my life with people who love me. I have friends who are like family in 3 states - including the one I live in now. I have learned to let these people into my heart and share with them the parts of me I once felt I could only share with my grandmother - my failures, and embarrassments as well as my hopes and my happiness. This has helped me to come to terms with her death, and taught me that everything will work itself out in the end. However, on nights like tonight, when I am scrambling to put together some sort of plan for my life - wrapped up in my little yellow blanket, I find that my heart aches to hear her voice - just for one word of encouragement to get me going, or a small breath of air that feels like home...

"We do not travel to discover other places... We travel to discover ourselves"

I want to discover the world down to the last detail. Thoughts of this keep me awake at night. Visions of far away places and waning sunsets invade my waking dreams. I hold on to these visions of the amazing places I have visited thus far, and I realize that no photo I have ever taken will do my memories the justice they deserve. I can feel the sand under my toes at the Gulf of Carpentaria, and feel the jump in my heart at the sight of a huge manta ray soaring across the surface of the water. I can still feel the weight of my scuba gear at the great barrier reef, and I can remember the smell of the David. I remember the feel of the velvet rope that I touched when I gazed at the real life Mona Lisa, and I the way my heart felt like it might burst when I saw my first real Leonardo Davinci artwork - the unfinished Adoration of the Magi. These places and senses are all ingrained in my heart. The people who I meet along the way leave their footprints forever etched in my soul. As I sit here - stationary until my studies are finished I can't help but ache for more of this. I received a taste of exploration and I have been literally starving for more ever since.

We as people are raised with certain expectations for our lives. From a little girl I was told of the children I would one day have, and the house and wedding I would get all of my own. My mother fed me fairy-tales of this wedding to my real life ken doll and how it would be the Happiest day of my life. I was told that I was to attend college right out of high school so that I could enter the world of adulthood and make money to buy all of these wonderful things like cars and boats, and family vacations to Disneyland. I was never taught to expect that life would be anything other than this. How then, did I become this person.

I used to think my adventures were mere pages in my book of life. These pages would just be the prelude to my fairytale marriage, and one day be just something wonderful to tell my children about. "You will grow out of this, it's just a phase" echoes from the tongues of those who don't know me well. As time moves on and I grow older, I've had a massive revelation: What if this adventure became my story? What if I decided to shun the idea of marriage and children and spend my life exploring all the beauty this vast world has to offer? the more time I spent thinking about it the more it made sense. I don't HAVE to get married. I don't HAVE to have children. I don't HAVE to live in suburbia and spend my money on ballet lessons and soccer uniforms. I mean, by no means do I look down upon those individuals who want this life. I celebrate their happiness, and I wish them well in their quest, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that deep down I have never wanted these things to begin with.

I fall in love easily with places and ideas, but my ability to fall in love with another individual is rather lacking. I don't feel as though this is necessarily a bad thing, however. My life is filled with love every day. I have friends and family who love me and who I love the same. I really don't feel as though I am lacking anything. Some call me selfish for entertaining these ideas, but in all actuality I think that true selfishness would be making a decision to start a family of my own and expect them to constantly uproot their lives to satisfy my impulsive nature. Children need stability, and I don't believe I am capable or desirous of having a stable life.


I have come to enjoy my instability and to embrace my impulsiveness. I feel most alive when I am in a new place. Perhaps some day my views will change. Maybe someday I will trade in my compass for the keys to a house on Spruce Street. But for the time being, I look forward to embarking on this extraordinary journey, with stars in my eyes, and adventure in my heart, I know I can turn this dream life into my reality.

Friendship is the mirror that we all carry with us...

So Upon coming back to Hawaii from visiting my family, I wasn't in the best of moods, but almost as soon as my flight landed here in paradise, I felt better! I was picked up by a friend that I actually once dated in high school. We have been friends since we were 14, and I hope we stay friends for a long time. He does not live in Hawaii, but is instead here for military training. for the sake of the anonymity that I like to keep along with my blog, We will just call him "Tom." So every few years Tom and I seem to cross paths, and I love it every time. Tom for some reason, gives me the feeling of looking in the mirror - not for the reason that I think we are identical, but more for the way that his presence makes me look into myself. Tom has always known a lot about my life. When We were about 15 years old, he was there for me through the darkest part of my depression. I believe he might have once talked me through the night to convince me not to take my own life. I have come leaps and bounds from that scared little girl - crying on the bathroom floor - bleeding and vomiting for a life I no longer wanted. As I grow older, I find it harder and harder to talk to others about that part of my life. I put it behind me. I would never dream of taking my own life, and that depression is a distant memory, but these secrets I withhold from the men I allow into my life now seem to put a damper on my relationships. I don't want to talk about it, and them not knowing and understanding my reasons behind some of my behavior usually leads to an untimely end to the relationship. Being around Tom is completely different. I answer his questions honestly, and I don't fell foolish for speaking of my personal feelings as I have them in my head - serious and deep. He knows me- he knows these secrets, and the root of all my insecurities. This fact, combined with the intensity of his character can ignite my mind into a frenzy of thoughts upon his departure. It allows me to look at myself now, and think about who I was back then, and I can't help but love the person I have become. It was a hard road, but I wouldn't trade one second of my crazy, intense, mixed up life for anything.

The real problem with Tom is that he ignites an intensity in me that I miss. Obviously we have an attraction to each other, but it isn't the kind of attraction that I sometimes get. Sure I am attracted to his body, but it's his mind that really intrigues me. He has an intensity about him that I don't think I have ever found in another person. I don't like men who are plain and ordinary. I want my mind stimulated. I love people with FIRE, and a uniqueness that makes them stand out. Some would say that Tom is too intense and that his own personal issues make him less likely to be someone that you would get close to. I feel the opposite. Tom comes into and out of my life, and by no means am I suggesting that he should stay and become a permanent part of it (our lives are very different right now), I am saying that the position that he plays in my life leaves me with a better understanding of myself. I trust him. I feel comfortable with him. These are feelings I don't allow myself to feel. He suggested that maybe it is because i know it is safe to let him hold me in his arms, and look into my eyes - because I know that he is leaving. This might be true, but I think it is more than that. Every once in a while I set myself up and open my heart for a short time - (usually right before I am leaving, or right before the whole thing crashes and burns) but it reminds me that I am still capable of these feelings should I decide to let them out someday. Whether I want to find him or not, whether i decide to continue my life living as a nomad, or to settle down years from me, It is comforting to me to know that there are people in the world who can find that dead dark part of my heart and awaken my soul. I hope everyday that Tom is safe, and that he is watched over as he continues his own battle - both in the world and within himself. I hope that he finds happiness, and I hope that maybe in some way, I have touched his soul as well. I don't think that me and Tom will ever find ourselves together in our lives - us together is like combining fire and gasoline, but I love that every couple years, our paths cross, and that he gets to be a part of my crazy life, even if only for a short while.

Novacaine For the Soul

I feel like I am fading out. Living inside of myself, desperately seeking a feeling of relief. I am trapped inside of my own body, aching to be free. Sometimes I feel like I am Screaming at the top of my lungs, but no sound escapes my lips. I have battled with these feelings my whole life. Frantically seeking my place in the world, and finding a place to feel at home, I battle with constant feelings of isolation.

I absorb the world around me, and I feed off the emotions of others. I seek quality friends to surround myself with, and hate the feeling of keeping everyone an arms length away, but these are the measures that must be taken in a place where friendships are disposable, and people are only skin deep. I do not wish to conform. I would rather associate myself with the few genuine people I found than subject myself to individuals who are only out for their own advancement.

Sometimes I feel like I am forced to be only skin deep. I have a million stories of places I have been and people I have met to fill your ears for weeks. I can talk for hours and still share nothing of myself. In the company of those who know me well I am at ease. I can share my feelings, and I can share my heart. I can even share my tears and my embarrassment should they fill me for the day, but here, here in this place called paradise I can only share myself with the blank white screen before me. I am not skin deep. My soul runs deeper than the oceans that surround me on this tiny piece of land. Finding others who are not expendable is a task I have never encountered before. And I hate it.

Like a chameleon I realize how I change with each new place I inhabit. Pieces of my heart are scattered all over the world. Inspiration is all around me, yet I walk a figurative tightrope in a delicate balancing act between the things I want in the future, the things I need to do now, and the happiness i seek on a daily basis. I can find beauty in the mountains and in nature. I can find the beauty in old stone buildings and architecture. I can look at man made creations and find beauty in that some great human mind was inspired to create something solid and tangible. I love people who can put their dreams into action. Maybe I am too old to be here. My days are spent in school with people a few years younger than I - with different goals than I. I adore these people, but understandably they are not seeking the same things out of life that I am. This makes life difficult.

I seek out adventure, understanding, and most of all freedom - even if it continues to come in the form of a temporary distraction from the fact that I don't quite fit in anywhere... I no longer define my family as being limited to the people who share my blood, but I pick and choose the extraordinary individuals who have taught my soul how to fly. They live all over the world, and have touched me in some way, I just wish that I could have a group of them surrounding me on a regular basis. I am growing tired of only sharing these words with my computer...