An Unexpected Truth

I have a friend visiting me from out of town - A very dear friend, who I haven't seen in over a year. She lives in Germany, but she has made it a point to see me every year since I met her. This time she arrived with a shaved head and a tattoo of pink flowers on her scalp. At first glance, she looks pretty badass to say the least. Looking closer, however tells a different story. The scar above her right breast and the mysterious pills she takes everyday are a clear giveaway... They gave her 18 months. What the hell is that?!?!?!

I'm angry and I'm upset. This disease has managed to take some of the most inspiring people I have ever known. It knows no bounds and it has no discrimination. I'm bitter thinking about the fact that all my cousins have their grandparents still, and have photos at their weddings and graduations with them. I have lost all of mine to the same disease. Gone. I know that we all must die of something, but for such a young girl to face this reality breaks my heart.

She is only 34 years old and the disease has already reached her liver, both her breasts, and is now beginning to attack her bone marrow. She remains hopeful and so do I, but the question remains... How can this happen to someone so young... She is undergoing experimental treatment, and may have a real shot, but the idea of someone speaking about their live in terms of time left and possibility of losing makes me sick to my stomach. What a brave woman she must be to have heard these words and let them slide off her back and say "No that's not long enough, I plan on living much longer than that." I can't even imagine... How dare they put a time limit on my friend's life. The though makes me sick to my stomach.

I know she will put up a fight. She will get through this. She has to.

Noise

All I hear is noise around my head. It clouds my judgement and keeps my thoughts from settling out. Like the Tropical flood that is going on right now outside my window the sound of thunder has been keeping me awake for months. It invades my dreams and manifests itself in my nightmares. I slam the windows and doors shut for just a small second relief from the static. This place I live is both a paradise and a prison. I feel trapped in this life and I wonder how I ended up here.

I am making changes to better myself and give myself a brighter future, but I still have no idea what that future should be. I don't want to live here forever. I don't want to go back to the place I came from. I don't want children, and I can't see myself ever getting married. It seems that though I know exactly what I don't want, I have no idea what I do.

I have always lived my life with reckless abandon. I have been the cause of and solution to many of the problems in my own life. The decisions that I have made have lead me to this beautiful place on which I stand right now, but they have recently become obstacles to my goals as well.

I feel like I'm closing off my heart again. The people who I have chosen to open it to are no longer able to reach me. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago that he feels like he is standing on the other side of a 2 way mirror trying to help with no idea how. I don't know what to tell him. We all have our secrets, and mine are no worse than anyone else's. We all have our burden to bear, and a side we choose to hide. I guess I'm still trying to figure out which way I'd like to go with mine. Perhaps when I can figure it out, I will finally be able to quiet the incessant noise that is constantly surrounding me so I might finally get a good night's sleep.

The letter I will never send (how cliche)

To the man who will never see this:
In regards to your random 2am email after not speaking in over a year:
We have said all we have to say. I have no idea what you could possibly want from me. You lied to me. You betrayed me. You are getting married. I'm still me. Situations didn't change... I live in a world so totally different from yours that I don't think we ever could have existed happily anyway. I haven't seen you in so long that I really feel like I might be writing to a ghost - in fact I almost prefer that I was... I have a hard time believing that you were ever actually real... I'm writing these words to get them out of me. Because they need to be heard even if never by you...

You say you were in love with me, but I know the truth. You, like everyone else was in love with the idea of me. I'm an excellent escape from on ordinary and boring life. It's easy to conjure up an illusion of me. It's easy to suck me into your own life when you omit that little detail of you having a FIANCE! You can make me whoever you want - you don't actually have to see me for who I really am. I don't want wine on a beach and cliche evening strolls along the park. I don't want to have your children, or to wear your big diamond on my finger. I'm not that girl, and I will never fit into your mold. I want adventure. If you knew anything about me, you would know this... but you don't and you never will.

You title your email asking if you still affect me... the only thing you affect is my reaction to panic and my flight response. I thought I saw your face and I damn near killed myself trying to dodge past the innocent people walking down the street as I ran the other way... I'm not a fast runner, unless I know what I'm running from. You might be worth the asthma attack...

This letter will never be sent to you. There is no reason. You don't know me anymore. You ask where I am and what I am doing... I don't think you deserve to know. These are the things I would love to say to you if I didn't know for a fact that I would only be instigating further contact. So please, absorb my words in the air, let them fall into your soul, and let me continue walking my path alone. I can't wait to forget about you...

The Real World...

It has been about 2 weeks since I started working at my new job. So far I have withstood a barrage of comments and jokes about how the good life is coming to an end.. I'm here to say NOT TRUE my compadres! It is alive and well indeed! I got to thinking the other night about what I want out of life, and what I want to be when I "grow up" and not a single job popped into my head. I have spent endless hours and years on a college education to get a degree that I still don't know what I want to do with. That's when it hit me... It doesn't freakin matter!!!!

I thought about it and in the end, a job really is just a job, and as long as it is tolerable, it is not by any means the definition that should be placed next to our names. When someone asks me what I "do" I never know quite how to answer them. If I say "I work for an insurance company" You learn nothing about me. If I say "I go to school" It's a lie, because I didn't show up to it half the time anyway. If I reply "I go drinking" You think I have no redeeming value beyond just going to the bar. So what, then do I reply. Maybe "I laugh a lot. And I find happiness in every part of my life." Yup... that sounds about right.

When I am "grown up" I think I know exactly what I want to be, and none of it has anything to do with my employment. I want to make enough money to be comfortable, but not rich, and to be able to be content living within my means. I want to be Happy, in everything I do. I change my mind regularly about where I want to be and what I want to do, and the things that make me smile today may make me cry tomorrow, but wherever I am, I want to always have a reason to smile. I want to laugh all the time and keep the optimism that I carry with me now. I literally wake up everyday - good or bad - absolutely excited about what the day has in store for me. Sometimes I hit a low point, and sure I get mad and upset sometimes, but overall I never want to feel like I am too far from something to make me smile. I want to have tons and tons of wonderful friends to trust and to love. I want them to trust and love me. I have learned that love comes from many places in my life, and even though sometimes I go looking for it in the wrong places, I can never deny the unconditional love I receive everyday from the people I have chosen to be my friends. I want to always keep in touch with my family - the people who truly hold the key to my past. Although I don't always acknowledge it, my past has lead me to this wonderful future, and for that I am grateful. I want to make a difference in the world - even if it is just one act of kindness at a time to make someone else's day a little brighter. I want to travel the world and see as much of it as I can. Nothing wakes me up inside like watching the sun set over some exotic background. It takes my breath away! I want to always have a sense of adventure and the desire to make even the most mundane tasks into an expedition. I want to be honest with myself, and with others I care about. I never want to lose myself to someone else.

I don't know the specifics of what it is I will be doing, or where I'm going, or living, but I don't care either. I have decided now that my life will not be about where I want to work, but what and who I want to be, and the people I have chosen to be a part of it.

Have I forgotten?

I used to have 2 grandmothers. I only speak of one. Yesterday someone asked me about my other grandmother, and all I could do was tell them small details about her being a nice lady. She was so much more, and I loved her with all my heart. I don't know why I didn't know how to respond, But I felt awful for it. 14 years later, a lifetime of love, and that's the best I could do??? "She was a nice lady"????? My, how time has changed me...

I remember...

I remember this place...
18 years of my life.
Laughter and tears,
Triumphs and defeats.

I remember this place...
Christmas morning and presents
And staring out the window
At the freshly fallen snow.

I remember this room...
Screams and shouting,
Tears of agony
And lying defeated on the floor.

I remember this place...
The smell of her skin,
The sight of her smile,
And the echo of her laugh reverberating through the halls.

I remember this room...
The sound of her swearing,
The shattering of the lamp,
And the sickening snap that a bone makes when it breaks.

I remember this place...
Minute-maid fruit punch ice pops,
Rice krispies treats,
And apples and cheese on a plate for lunch.

I remember this room...
The loss of composure,
And the way her eyes narrowed
When she told me I was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life.

I remember this place...
The frost on the grass
On a February morning
And sitting in the warm car while waiting for the bus.

I remember this room...
The splintering of wood,
Hiding in the darkness of the closet,
And the destruction of the coat rack as it shattered over my thigh.

I remember this place...
Birthday parties and proms
And standing together as a family
Smiling for pictures on the day of my sister's wedding.

I remember this room...
The sound of the thunder
And the way my lungs forgot how to breathe
On they day they told me that her cancer had become terminal.

I remember this place...
Playing in the pool with my cousins,
Hide and seek in the dark,
And having the family over for my grandmother's 75th birthday.

I remember this room.
The fear in my heart,
Fumbling to unlatch the lock
And running as fast as I could to get to the safety of my grandfather's house...

I remember this place...
Setting the table for dinner,
Laughing with my sister,
And the smell of a pot roast simmering on the stove.

I remember this room...
Watching her pick up the curling iron,
And the anger in her face
As she told me to get the fuck out of her house and never come back.

I remember this place...
Packing my things,
Heading for freedom,
And having the courage to seek more from life...

It was the best thing she ever did for me...