The body talk Healer

So I decided to go see an eastern medicine, body-talk healer the other day. It seems that everything that can go wrong with my health has gone wrong up to this point, including a UTI, complete with fever and chills that I got to experience last weekend. So I finally decided to go see this woman at my friend's suggestion, and holy shit, was this profound. I'm not making this reader friendly as much as I m making it a memory dump so that I don't forget the experience. I laid down on the table, and Chisako put her hands over my abdomen. She said she could feel a lot going on in my body. She said I was hard to read because usually she follows her chart, but that my body wanted to guide her itself. She said I have a Big Soul, and that I operate at a higher vibration or frequency than "regular people". she told me I have a great deal of power in me - more than I realize, but that I already knew that, didn't I. She touched on something that she told me I forgot from 2013 but that I carry with me. she said it was a fight with a female. But that I am carrying it around with me even though my concious memory forgot about it. Then she turned her attention to my abdomen and said that I carry a lot of grief from a friend who passed in 2019 (Sal). She told me that I knew him from another life, and that our souls made a contract to meet in this life. She said that his purpose was fulfilled which is why he passed whe he did. She said that his sould chose how he would die before he entered this world. She said that nothing anyone could have done or said would have changed that so that I shouldnt carry guilt from it with me. Also, I felt him with me the night before my emergency surgery, and I knew he was with me. She told me that he wasn't there to take me, but to make sure i stayed with my body, because I hadn't yet completed my life's purpose. If I died before I completed my purpose I would be doomed to repeat this life and these lessons again. She then said that I also chose my family before I came into this world. Because I have a generous soul, and that is why I sometimes feel like I take care of them. I decided that in this world I would be about giving. She told me to not forget that I can receive love and I need to draw from others so my give and take balance doesn't leave me in a defecit. She told me that I have a lot of power in me and that I have te power to manifest any life that I want, but that this life that I am living was also manifested. When I was young and had just escaped from my parents house to be on my own for the first time, I remember i was drunk with freedom. I told the universe that I wanted to experience EVERYTHING. I wanted a life of adventure and experiences and to have this one of a kind life. And since then she said my life has been a rollercoaster like an amusement park ride that I ride up and down. She said that I have these crazy things happen to me because i didn't specify when I asked for experiences to say 'happy experiences' so I got everything. She said that the reason I am in the position i am in now is because of that manifestation. But that my mind has decided that it wants an easier expeience and an easier road in life. So It's up to me to physically choose this as well. she said that I have a tendency to box up my feelings and leave them behind and this period of my life is becase of that. Because my body can't carry the weight of all the boxes I have been carrying, and because my soul and my body needed to rest. She said I keep trying to run past this experience without dealing with it and the universe decided i needed to sit and heal and leave my boxes behind by opening and facing them. She told me that I can manifest any life I want. And that I can manifest peace and an easier life. I told her I think I'm Experience'd out and I'm ready for an easier path. Ahe told me to think of it and Manifest it and I would eceive it. She also told me that I have a gift in me of psychic energy and I am selling myself short by not developing it and opening my heart to it. She told me to think with my heart instead of my head, and to sit by myself in these next 5 days, and in 5 days I would leave my baggage behind.

Ramblings of a Medical Malpractice Victim

I dont know how to feel in this post surgery-disaster world in which I am now existing. It feels like time stands still here, but my pre-disaster life feels so far away. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to people like me. I'm young enough, healthy, active, and athletic. I have big plans and trips and gatherings that I need to be at... I need to be there for my father through his chemo, so you can't take me out of the game now... There must be some mistake... THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO ME. There's got to be a way to opt out of this experience. I'm full of scars... There have been drains all over my torso. At one point I had 4 drains, a catheter, and a stint. HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP HERE?!?!? My pre surgery body wasn't perfect, but it was mine, and I loved it. I was tan and strong from days spent at swim practice and out on the water paddling my board. I had muscle tone, and I trusted in my ability to go on long hikes, and take care of myself... My face wasn't sunken in or bloated with fluid. My skin was soft instead of loose and dry. Like, how the fuck is my skin texture different?!? How does that even happen?! I also had an ass, and boobs that stood up on their own. All I have left is a concave butt, and saggy boobs... Everyone keeps saying I'll get my body back, but I honestlly don't know that I will. I have a stint in my right shoulder that hurts everytime I burp, or Cough, or breath too deep... There's a tube hanging out of my back that drains my pee into a clear bag that gets safety pinned to my pants. Today I tried a new bladder spasm medicine (Because that's still going on 3 weeks post catheter...) And the meds turned my pee a dark neon orange that looks radioactive... This drains into a clear bag that everyone can see.. I was so embarrassed to see it while I was walking the puppy. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am... But what choice do I have? It's either bear the burdon of all these medical procedures, or die. What kind of options are those?! I'm just living through it. Existing. Floating through the whole experience like it's a dream. I'm frozen in a continuous loop, where every day is the same, and all that changes is the intensity of my pain and the person babysitting me. I can't advance further physically because of the drain. I don't feel comfortable in public beause of it. I am constantly worried that it will snag, or get dirty and infected, or something else that is just going to lead to more freakin procedures and another stay in the hospital. I can't take more of that. 18 days of absolute hell...

He was My Soul-Mate

He was my soul-mate. Not the romantic kind, but soul-mate just the same. We met at work, and I loved him instantly. It was almost as if I had known him for decades – and not only a few seconds. I remember the day clearly. I was wrestling around the office with my coworker when we met. He was sitting at the computer – his back to us, trying not to stare at our ridiculousness. One loud “Hi-Ya!!” threw us both onto the floor and he finally turned around, looked at the hilarity of the situation and laughed. I invited him out for a beer, and that was the end of it. We were inseparable from that moment forward, our lives forever entangled. It was like he was supposed to be in my life all along, and I had a hard time remembering that there were 22 years prior in which I existed without him. He was the place I felt safe. He was the happiest part of my day. We never dated, we never kissed, but it was love from the very beginning. He was my brother and my best friend – my protector and my cheerleader. We laughed together and we cried together. We fought like siblings. He could finish my sentences and I knew the punchlines to all his jokes just as well as he did.

Many people have known me in my life, but so few have been able to see into my heart. The real parts of it. He understood the ugly and the broken. He accepted my faults and my crazy and loved me even more because of them. If I thought I could have saved him, I would have walked through hell and back for him. My heart hurts without him. I see his face in my dreams and hear his jokes in my head. I miss him with every ounce of my heart. Many people can talk to us when we are sad, but he could speak to my soul without words. He gave me a safe place to say all the ugly things I am thinking when I am upset. He let me act out on my feelings – good or bad, without judgement, always understanding why – even when I didn’t. I could tell him what he was feeling when he was afraid to say it out loud. He knew I was his safe place as well.

I didn’t care that he was broken. I didn’t care how ugly it got toward the end. I picked him up from the side of the road, the beach, the bar, the police station, the supermarket, and sidewalk benches. I answered every single phone call no matter where I was or how frustrated I was with him, because I was terrified that one day he would be in danger and I would miss the call and lose him. I would have picked it up for 100 more years to keep him safe. I would have picked him up every single time. I wanted to save him so badly, but he couldn’t stay. Just beyond my reach… The addiction took him to a place I couldn’t reach. It locked his mind in a state of unfamiliarity. He couldn’t recognize the difference between friends and enemies, or light-hearted fun and self destruction. The demons took over and claimed his life in the middle of the night. They took his body, but they freed his soul. I hope he found peace. I hope he can hear me and see me. I hope he knows how much I miss him, and how fiercely I loved him. I hope he knows that my world is a little less bright without him. He was my soul-mate, and no amount of time will ever take that from me.

Loss

I took a drive to the places I used to love yesterday. The streets, the exits, and even the shopping centers all reminded me of a life I used to love and a girl I used to be. I loved her the most. She was happy, and brave, and driven. She was beautiful and wild, but still focused and centered. She knew what she wanted in her life and who she wanted to have in it.

I remember waking up at 5am to run into the sunrise before work. I remember days off running the bridge and hiking up mountains to beautiful deserted beaches. I remember nights making pillow forts and cooking dinners together with a man who became my lover and my friend. I remember going to meet up with my best friend for a beer at the end of a long day of running and exploring and being greeted by his smiling face. I remember the bliss in my ignorance of the mortality of the people I loved. I thought my love was timeless. I thought my family was immortal. I thought my best friend would be beside me forever.

I found a strength inside myself that I didn’t know I had. Running served me well. Running Half marathons reminded me that I have an unbelievable strength inside me. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel like no matter what happened in my day, I had something that no one could touch. It was almost a religious experience. 3 miles to turn off the voices in my head. 5 miles to not feel my body. Anything further was the equivalent of nirvana. Being able to exist in nature and beauty without noise in one’s mind, not feeling the bonds of your human body has got to be a spiritual experience in its own right. And as I sit here, with an aching in my back, pain shooting down my right leg, I feel a grief inside me that can only be equivocated to the loss of a loved one. I have come to realize that the loss is me. I lost me.

In the months prior to this I have lost little pieces of myself. And big pieces of myself. My lover betrayed me. My best friend took his own life. My father was injured in an accident that could have taken his life. My job that used to give me such gratification became a place of emotional abuse and stress. The thing that was holding me together was my ability to push the limits of my body. Take that away and I am a shell of who I used to be.

I want to find happiness again. I want to love myself again. But right here in this moment I feel an overwhelming sense of despair. I feel a hopelessness. I feel stuck, and unable to get out of this rut. I want to run away without a trace, but I’m limited in my mobility. How can I run away when I can barely walk around the supermarket without pain? When I left my job I wanted to hike the John Muir Trail. All of that seems like a distant memory. Like a dream I once had and can barely remember.

I feel an overwhelming sense of grief for the loss of my best friend. I lost a piece of my soul with him. I feel an anguish for my relationship ending. I feel animosity, and anger. He didn’t mean to hurt me, but he did. I was a casualty in his story. I am a casualty in my story as well – never asking for enough for myself. Being ok with a half assed-relationship with my half-assed heart. One day this will all be a memory. Maybe I will be too.

Tired ramblings of an active mind

I feel a pain encompassing my chest. It keeps me up late and refuses to release my mind from the fury of its aftermath. I yearn for his attention. I am eager for his closeness. Yet he keeps me an arms length away. I don't know how else to describe this other than just a lack of happiness. I stand waiting for some grand gesture. I'm tired of trying. My heart hurts from his indifference. I feel my questions provoking his irritation. Yet I can't stop myself and I can't walk away. I have never been this person. I am always the one who keeps people an arms length away. I was always the one who shied away from affection and commitment. I never wanted that feeling. Something about him made me want it more than ever. I feel like a love sick junkie. Begging for a dose of the good stuff. I have never been this person... I want an all encompassing love. I want to be swept into the arms of someone who loves me and respects me, and finds me interesting and wonderful. I don't want to doubt myself and question my worth. I used to have value. I want to be looked at like I am the only girl in the world. I feel a bridge forming between us. My relationship has become a power struggle and then filled with indifference. I want a way out of this hole that I am falling into before its too late. And If he isn't the one who will pull me out of it, I suppose I can only ask that he does the polite thing and step away - turning the other direction so he doesn't get the chance to watch me brave it on my own. I've been on this road alone for so long. At least alone I know who I have to count on. I know not to expect much from anyone. Walking away should be the easy option. ... Yet here I stand.

What are we capable of?

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other night. We were taking about her father and the unspeakable things he had done to her mom at some point. My response to her was that it was scary to think about these people being capable of terrible things - and how the wives or husbands of murderers and abusers never saw it coming. I said how it's scary to think you might marry someone - not knowing what they are capable of that kind of violence. She responded that she believed from her experiences that humans are all capable of everything given the right conditions. She believes that you or I could kill if we are put under the right conditions. I was shocked. I thought to myself "I'm not capable of that! Never!" Then I got to thinking about this and realizing that to a point she was right and I too had felt that way... It lead to me taking an unwanted visit to my past... Recently, I was talking to another friend of mine about not wanting kids and how I had never wanted them. She was asking me why I felt that way. I gave the answer "Because I have never wanted them". This was true... But I then had a flashback to the original moment these feelings became real. My life as a child was very different. My house was violent and dark. I remember feeling terrible and hiding in the closet trying to stay unnoticed. I remember blood, and bruises and screaming. I remembered the day I decided I wanted to take my own life... And It all came together. I am a rational, lucid, and reasonable person. I have a good heart and a world of happiness and positivity, but when put under the right conditions I wanted to take my own life. I remembered thinking that and looking at different family members who show evidence of mental illness and instability. I have watched these people break and do unspeakable things. My own grandfather took his life when my mother was just a baby. My mother and my sister both show signs of potential violence. Who is to say then that I don't have the same capability. I remembered this thought. I remember the moment of desperation when I decided that if there was even a speck of that inside of me I would do the world a favor and not have children. I couldn't live with myself if I ever inflicted that kind of pain on a child. I'm terrified of what kind of mistakes I could make if another life was entrusted to me. Could this break me too? I think I would rather not find out...

Heartache

I asked the universe for a lover - for someone who could speak to my heart. I thought it answered my call. Then why does my heart still hurt... Your words kill me every day... the ones you refuse to say, the affection you refuse to give, and the trap I feel I've fallen into. I want a man who puts his arms around me when he greets me. I want him to want me - to show desire, and caring. I want him to want to share himself with me. I'm tired of being the last one to know. I'm tired of feeling unimportant. I know he cares but he can't show it. I need more... I won't let this break me down. I have been through too much to compromise myself again.

I just found this post in Saved drafts from 2009. I never posted it and I forgot that I wrote it, so I'm posting it now. What an amazing summer this was... The sun is setting over my summertime life. I can feel the minutes and seconds ticking by almost as if they are counting down the time I have left on earth. I love the life I will be returning to, but right here, right now, in this city and with these people I feel happy and safe in a way that I haven't since the passing of my grandmother. I am holding on for dear life, gasping for breathe and trying not to think of this as the end to my time with these people who have become my family in every sense of the word... Tonight we sat around a table together telling our favorite memories of eachother, and I realized that I can't imagine my life without these people. My boyfriends, it seems, come and go, but through it all, my heart continues to stay in the same place it began 5 years ago... In the city by the bay.

This concept of "home" as it seems, does not have a street address, and sometimes changes with the seasons, but the people I identify it with have faces, and names, and amazing qualities that make my heart sing. They give me love, comfort, and most of all Laughter. It makes me wonder if, perhaps, instead of sending me a lover, my soulmates were sent to me in the form of my closest friends.

With each pasing sunset over my life, a new dawn is born. I have been coming and going for so long that I dont think I can even tell the difference between the two anymore. It seems in my life that I have set up so many different lives that I am always missinig someone. Always saying goodbye to some, while saying hello to others. It's impossible to explain the role that all of these people and places play in my mind, but each has its own unique chamber in my heart and shapes me into who I am.

This summer was a shot in the dark. I almost emded up someplace else, but somehow I feel that this is where I belong right here and right now.

Inspiration for difficult times

I found this poem today and it absolutely touched my soul, so I wanted to keep it in a spot that I turn to when things are difficult. Right here on this screen. Enjoy:
The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer Canadian Teacher and Author

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

This year

This year I will find a man who loves me for who I am. Someone who makes me feel at ease. He will accept my past as part of me. He will be patient with me and allow me to open up as I go. He will share his life with me and allow me to share mine with him. He will not judge me for my shortcomings. He will inspire me to want to do more and be more We will not be jealous. We will be supportive of one another. We will be a team instead of rivals. We will be honest, respectful, and faithful. We will be adventurous and spontaneous. This year, I will stop compromising who I am and what I want. I will be honest with myself. I will cure my own insecurities and save the best parts of me to share with the people I love.

I carry them with me

I carry them with me. I carry every failed relationship, and every possible scenario for failure and heartbreak. I called my best friend up the other night because I had a dream that the new man I am dating was telling me he didn't care about me. This man seems so gentle and genuine, but my dreams portray him as a predator with other women on the side, and dark intentions. He shows up and does to me the same things others have done to me. I know I'm not ready to make this into a relationship just yet, but I felt insecure that he hadn't brought it up. I love that I have free time and that he is involved in so many volunteer organizations, but then I found myself doubting his intentions toward me because he got busy one week and couldn't see me. I haven't voiced these things to him - because I know they are completely irrational and not at all related to anything he has done as it is related to my own insecurities. I will share these feelings only with my friends.

I'm disappointed in myself. I am not a jealous person, and I'm not a needy person, but this relationship has thrown my entire world off balance. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to put a stop to this right now.

For years I have been a self fulfilling prophecy in my relationships. I discredit my ability to be loved and to love others. I let myself feel cheapened, and unimportant. I treated men who loved me like they were expendable because I didn't know how to show I cared. Finally, I have been letting these people who have done me wrong hinder my ability to trust others. I'm putting these words on this screen so they are real. I'm giving myself the next couple hours to feel insecure, and unemotional, and then I am going to suck it up, place these men on the back of the self in my mind, and move forward stronger and happier without their restraints to tie me down. It ends tonight. :-)

I can't remember her funeral.

I was watching a movie tonight about a funeral and all the people this loss affected, and it turned me into a frenzy of thoughts and memories. I had a nightmare a few weeks ago. Not the kind of nightmare with boogiemen and spiders, but one about something that could actually happen. It terrified me. I dreamed that my father had a heart attack. We were on vacation someplace. He collapsed onto the floor, and I screamed. I tried to call for help, but I couldn't get my phone to dial 911. I kept trying but I kept pushing the wrong numbers and my hands were shaking. There were people all over the room staring at him convulsing on the floor, and no one was doing anything to help. I was yelling at my sister to dial, but she just stood there with a shocked look on her face unable to move. I started yelling "someone fu**ing call 911! What the fu** is wrong with you people. We have to save him." I got down on the floor and I said I know CPR! I will save him until the paramedics get here. I reached over and rolled him on his back to start, but when I looked at his face, his eyes were rolled back into his head and his mouth was full of yellow bile... I screamed, and then I woke up. It was terrible. I am still haunted by this Image. I can't imagine what my life would be like without him.

I got to thinking about my grandparents and saying goodbye at their funerals. I remember my mommom's funeral when I was 13. She was in a pink casket with gold roses on it. There were pink flowers and she was buried in the dress she wore to my mother's wedding. I didn't understand what was going on or why. I had never been to a funeral until then. I remember I had a moment of realization on the way out of the graveyard. I always waited for her when we went places. I would walk with her and hang out with her. When we were leaving the chapel at the cemetery I remember that moment when I thought to myself "I should wait for mommom" and paused... then remembered that I was here because she had gone. I think that was my first moment of truly understanding what it meant to lose her. My heart broke 1000 times that day.

I remember my grandfather's funeral when I was 19. I remember the casket was the same color of carolina blue as his car. It had a silver cross on it. He wore a gray suit. I remember thinking that his face didn't look quite right, and then realizing that until then, even when he was relaxing alone, his face always appeared to be smiling. This was the first time he looked truly unhappy. It freaked me out. I remember when they went to close his casket I looked at my cousin K and started sobbing that they were going to close it and we were never going to see him again. I couldn't stop crying. I remember dropping a rose onto his coffin at the graveyard and I remember my father began to cry. Fast forward to Thanksgiving day 8 months later. My grandfather was always the center of every holiday. I found myself missing him. After dinner I went to the cemetery to leave a flower on his grave, and I remember feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I started crying saying out loud that he should be home in the warmth - with his family who loves him - not out all alone in this cold dreary cemetery on a day that was supposed to commemorate the people we are blessed to have in our lives. I felt so alone.

I have these clear memories of these funerals and send offs for my grandparents - except for my mommom who passed away the most recently - about 4 years ago... I was closest with her. She was my heart, and I loved her more than anything in the world. Maybe it's because I was living so far away when she actually passed. I remember the flight home. I remember the empty house, but I don't remember a thing about the funeral. Not the casket, color, flowers, viewing, her face, absolutely nothing. I remember that my sister didn't show up for it. I remember hating her for it. She stayed home and tried to tell me it was our fault she wasn't coming. I spent the day being asked over and over again by my whole family where she was, why she didn't come, and what exactly she thought she was doing. Her husband was there - but not her. I don't think I have ever forgiven her for this. I don't remember which church the service was held in, or who I sat with. It's the strangest thing. The only thing I can remember about her funeral was that my sister abandoned me and made me go to it alone. and I really have no idea what to make of it. It's amazing which details of our lives our minds have chosen to hang on to and which ones to let go...

Beauty

There are places in this world that are beautiful without having to try. Blue-green waves crash along white sandy beaches. Mountains covered in green rise up out of the earth like tombstones reaching toward the heavens. The winds blow just perfectly whispering words of beauty into your soul. These are the places that we hold in our fantasies. They give us hope when we have none and inspire our broken wings to learn how to fly - so that we might escape our lives to spend eternity in places like this.

It helps me to sleep better to know that these places are out there. That even on the worst days of my life, these beautiful places exist. They hold no grudges and they keep no memories, and I have seen them.

I'm not sure where I am going next. I hold plenty of memories, and I carry the weight of a lifetime of trials and success, failure and heartbreak. I hold forgiveness in my heart, and grudges on my lips. I wouldn't leave any of it behind. I gave up paradise because the sunshine is never as beautiful as it is right after you have seen a little too much darkness. Still, I take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the world, right now, a beautiful sunset is setting over a place with no memories, and it's waiting for me when and if I should ever decide to return.

I think I figured it out...

I have been feeling lonely lately. I have been having dreams about him, and thinking about him and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. I didn't spend that much time with him. We barely knew each other when it gets down to it, but we know each other's hearts, and that's what I couldn't get over... I don't know his favorite color or the names of all his extended family, but I know his heart, and he knew mine. I know the way he opened me up and made me abandon all of my insecurities. I know how he inspired me, and I watched him open up in front of me. I watched his caution melt away and his sense of adventure surface in a way that it never had before. He holds me responsible for this change. That makes me happy. I miss who I was when I was with him. I hate that I closed myself up again. I want to feel that vulnerable again. I want that rush.

I made a decision to not fight for him. I was so hurt by his betrayal. I thought the whole thing was impossible. He lived so far away, and I didn't want to move across the world for him.. Now he's here - living so close to me with someone else - sleeping in someone else's bed. Her children call him daddy. He went back to who he was in the beginning. I did the same. I miss both of us. Saying this out loud and admitting my feelings makes me both sad and happy. It's a realization like no other. My thoughts are so scattered that I can't even form a complete thought - I just want to keep typing until I get these words out of me, because keeping them in is killing me. I am relieved that I know why I feel this way. Now I think I can get over this. I will always miss him, but I see no reason to disrupt his life with these feelings. Instead I am going to turn on the radio, pop a glass of champagne, and dance until my heart feels as light as my body.

Darkness

Once we have seen the darkness it stays with us forever. It may go away for years. We may change our lives and reinvent ourselves over and over again, but at sometime that old familiar pain creeps in and renders us helpless. Today is that day for me. And all I need is to get through til the end of the day so I can start over again...

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined"

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately about the things I want and where I want to be in my life. Earlier tonight I was having a conversation with my Roommate about this. He is apparently a big advocate of that book "The secret." For a long time I have believed in the power of energy and karma and affecting the world around us. The more positive energy I have put out the more I have gotten back. With nothing to lose I have decided to give it a try by first writing down my own story of the life I imagine myself happy in sometime in the near future - as though it has already happened. Here goes:

Well I am currently living in California. I spent months putting out resumes and applying for jobs , but It all paid off in the end. I work for the National Park Service doing guide/ranger duties around the park I absolutely love my job and I have the absolute privilege of spending my days out in the wilderness educating others about this beautiful world that I love so much. I am so incredibly greatful to be able to have this wonderful life. I live in a beautiful place and I just purchased a car when I moved here to take this job. It feels great to be independent and living on my own. I have been able to live close enough to my best friends to visit often and spend time with them. I have met a ton of wonderful people since I began working here and I have made some great friends. I just ran my first half marathon and It was such a success that I plan on running a full marathon within the next year. In my training I have also lost 20 lbs and I have so much energy that I just feel fabulous. I have also met an absolutely wonderful man and so far things seem to be going well. He really understands me and has such an amazing sense of adventure that we have a fabulous time in each other's company. I'm so happy about this! I no longer blame myself for the mistakes of my past and I have entered into every friendship and relationship with an open heart and a clean slate. I talk to my family often and they have been so supportive with everything. My life is absolutely fabulous and I will continue to live everyday with this renewed sense of adventure and a passion that I can hardly contain. Thank you so much for allowing this to be a reality!

Religion...

From about the time I was 12 years old I have always fought with the concept of religion and what to believe in and what not to believe in. Incidentally the same time I began to question my faith was around the same time I lost my grandmother, and all hell broke loose. I remember feeling angry with God and just thinking he was against me and He should have never taken my grandmother away from me. Obviously this was the angry hurt feelings of a child who just felt confused about her loss. All religious matters aside, I can't help but think that if someone had sat down with me and explained that death is not an act of vengeance, but a regular part of life I might have understood it better.

Over the years I have seen and explored the concepts of many different faiths trying to find where I belonged and what I believed in. I spent time in Italy and gazed upon the exquisite churches made of marble that took centuries to build. The Duomo in Firenze took 600 years to complete. Although excessive I can't help but feel some respect and maybe some envy for a group of people who feel so strongly about their faith that they are willing to devote their lives to building these giant temples to their God. At the same time, I also visited the Vatican, and while beautiful, I can't help but feel annoyed and somewhat angry that such expensive and intricate detail was put into something like this. Should religion really need to be so luxurious? Simple chapels and lifestyles would convey the same message... I still don't quite know where to go with this.

The reason I got to thinking about religion is because I was watching the video of Sheikh Yusuf al-Qaradawi and his speech on How Hitler was offering divine punishment to the Jews, who he thinks should all be killed. This video actually made me sick.


When you think about it, if you take away all the formalities, and creationist theories, and rituals of religions that make them so different what you are left with are the same basic principals. From Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, and even paganism, each religion reinforces the same basic principals - respect for others, respect for the world around you, a divine being, and respect and love for yourself. How these principals have been twisted into wars and punishment and killing for thousands of years is just crazy to me. I don't understand why people fly planes into buildings, killing both themselves and others and claim that they are doing it in the name of God. I don't understand why my best friend is in Afghanistan getting shot at and car bombed. I don't understand how a man who claims to represent the muslum faith can stand on TV and state that he wants to become a martyr for killing jews because they deserve to be punished when according to his own Koran, pride and Greed are the worst sins a man can have. Charity is a virtue. Where is the line?

Religion has a great message and can provide a hope and faith that many of us need to sustain ourselves. Organized religion is where it seems to get tricky. The political aspects of it and the desire for wealth and power are the reasons that such a beautiful message can be lost. The natural progression of every organization in the world - religious or not - brings out leaders and followers. Some people make the decisions and some people follow them. The taste for power will surely be the demise of all good intentions.

I'm sorry I got political or religious, but I just wanted to vent about a situation that seems to be nothing more than a giant contradiction. If we are supposedly ALL created in the "Image and likeness of God" then why do some people feel that they are created in more likeness than others... I'm not the most religious person in the world. I believe in a God because I don't like the idea of being powerless. I also think that this world is too beautiful for there not to be someone amazing to create it for me. I may not go to church, and I may stick up my nose at most mainstream religious traditions, but I still try to live my life to respect others, the world, and myself - not only for a God, but because I can't look myself in the mirror if I were any other way. Regardless of my personal beliefs, however, I would never find a reason to kill another human being based on his/her own beliefs. Maybe I am naive for writing this. I know that it won't change the world, but I guess we all have to try and be a little piece of the change we wish we could see.

Be my escape

This song came on my pandora on the way to work today. Little did I know that it was going to be a sign. I finally had enough of my everyday. I'm seeking better. Moving to California in 2 months. Here I go!

"Be My Escape" - By Reliant K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

The light at the end of the tunnel. (I hope)

I think I'm finally frustrated enough to make some serious changes in my life. I feel exhausted and tired everyday. I dread going to my job, and facing people who add drama to my life. I have stopped participating in the things I used to love. But I am taking active steps to get out of this funk.

I began applying for jobs all over the place. I have sent out resumes to government environmental jobs in 3 states, 7 resumes in the last week, spoken to coast guard reserve recruiters (who told me I was ineligible), began a peace corps application, began actively seeking an official copy of my grandfather's birth certificate so that I might apply for European citizenship, and finally I have made a couple of contacts to send out resumes to in Southern California. The first one to save me from this rut wins. I'm done.

In a non related story, I was on the phone with my best friend the other night and I was telling him of my plans to get out and the crazy dreams that I have been having lately. I told him about how I have been having dreams of some of my ex-boyfriends. He made some really good points that I had never considered before, and it really helped me to look at things in a different point of view. He told me that he thinks I blame myself for the failed relationships that weren't my fault. I agreed that I did. I came to realize that even though they all either cheated on me, or used me to cheat on someone else (that I didn't know about) I looked at it as karma from the mistakes that I had made in the past. I think my debt has been paid in full and should finally let this go. I have dreams of the situations I walked away from. I truly cared for these people when I was with them, but couldn't see how to forgive them for their betrayals when I discovered them. I think of these decisions. And I realized that in some ways I still cling to these relationships - wondering how they are or what had become if I had stayed and forgiven infidelities. would I be here right now? Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Would I have moved to another country with him?? These are the questions that haunt me in my dreams and force me to consider them in my waking life. Do I think of these situations because I still want them? Or am I actually finally seeking a serious companion and because I have unable to find one I revert back to the places in my past that I once felt comfortably in?? I'm almost sure it is the latter.

For this reason I am letting them go. I am deleting them from my life. I'm removing their numbers from my phone and deleting their emails. I'm blocking their addresses and disconnecting their memberships on my sites. I never realized how much this was holding me back. I carry these scars with me and allow them to hinder my ability to find happiness with another. I don't want to do it anymore. I started with this last night as I removed the first name from my phone book. These ghosts have haunted me for long enough, and I have spent enough time punishing myself for my past mistakes. I am not the girl same girl I once was. I no longer deserve the consequences for my past mistakes. With these changes, perhaps someday soon I can return to the dreamless sleeps that I love and miss so dearly.

An Unexpected Truth

I have a friend visiting me from out of town - A very dear friend, who I haven't seen in over a year. She lives in Germany, but she has made it a point to see me every year since I met her. This time she arrived with a shaved head and a tattoo of pink flowers on her scalp. At first glance, she looks pretty badass to say the least. Looking closer, however tells a different story. The scar above her right breast and the mysterious pills she takes everyday are a clear giveaway... They gave her 18 months. What the hell is that?!?!?!

I'm angry and I'm upset. This disease has managed to take some of the most inspiring people I have ever known. It knows no bounds and it has no discrimination. I'm bitter thinking about the fact that all my cousins have their grandparents still, and have photos at their weddings and graduations with them. I have lost all of mine to the same disease. Gone. I know that we all must die of something, but for such a young girl to face this reality breaks my heart.

She is only 34 years old and the disease has already reached her liver, both her breasts, and is now beginning to attack her bone marrow. She remains hopeful and so do I, but the question remains... How can this happen to someone so young... She is undergoing experimental treatment, and may have a real shot, but the idea of someone speaking about their live in terms of time left and possibility of losing makes me sick to my stomach. What a brave woman she must be to have heard these words and let them slide off her back and say "No that's not long enough, I plan on living much longer than that." I can't even imagine... How dare they put a time limit on my friend's life. The though makes me sick to my stomach.

I know she will put up a fight. She will get through this. She has to.