To the man who will never see this:
In regards to your random 2am email after not speaking in over a year:
We have said all we have to say. I have no idea what you could possibly want from me. You lied to me. You betrayed me. You are getting married. I'm still me. Situations didn't change... I live in a world so totally different from yours that I don't think we ever could have existed happily anyway. I haven't seen you in so long that I really feel like I might be writing to a ghost - in fact I almost prefer that I was... I have a hard time believing that you were ever actually real... I'm writing these words to get them out of me. Because they need to be heard even if never by you...
You say you were in love with me, but I know the truth. You, like everyone else was in love with the idea of me. I'm an excellent escape from on ordinary and boring life. It's easy to conjure up an illusion of me. It's easy to suck me into your own life when you omit that little detail of you having a FIANCE! You can make me whoever you want - you don't actually have to see me for who I really am. I don't want wine on a beach and cliche evening strolls along the park. I don't want to have your children, or to wear your big diamond on my finger. I'm not that girl, and I will never fit into your mold. I want adventure. If you knew anything about me, you would know this... but you don't and you never will.
You title your email asking if you still affect me... the only thing you affect is my reaction to panic and my flight response. I thought I saw your face and I damn near killed myself trying to dodge past the innocent people walking down the street as I ran the other way... I'm not a fast runner, unless I know what I'm running from. You might be worth the asthma attack...
This letter will never be sent to you. There is no reason. You don't know me anymore. You ask where I am and what I am doing... I don't think you deserve to know. These are the things I would love to say to you if I didn't know for a fact that I would only be instigating further contact. So please, absorb my words in the air, let them fall into your soul, and let me continue walking my path alone. I can't wait to forget about you...
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Real World...
It has been about 2 weeks since I started working at my new job. So far I have withstood a barrage of comments and jokes about how the good life is coming to an end.. I'm here to say NOT TRUE my compadres! It is alive and well indeed! I got to thinking the other night about what I want out of life, and what I want to be when I "grow up" and not a single job popped into my head. I have spent endless hours and years on a college education to get a degree that I still don't know what I want to do with. That's when it hit me... It doesn't freakin matter!!!!
I thought about it and in the end, a job really is just a job, and as long as it is tolerable, it is not by any means the definition that should be placed next to our names. When someone asks me what I "do" I never know quite how to answer them. If I say "I work for an insurance company" You learn nothing about me. If I say "I go to school" It's a lie, because I didn't show up to it half the time anyway. If I reply "I go drinking" You think I have no redeeming value beyond just going to the bar. So what, then do I reply. Maybe "I laugh a lot. And I find happiness in every part of my life." Yup... that sounds about right.
When I am "grown up" I think I know exactly what I want to be, and none of it has anything to do with my employment. I want to make enough money to be comfortable, but not rich, and to be able to be content living within my means. I want to be Happy, in everything I do. I change my mind regularly about where I want to be and what I want to do, and the things that make me smile today may make me cry tomorrow, but wherever I am, I want to always have a reason to smile. I want to laugh all the time and keep the optimism that I carry with me now. I literally wake up everyday - good or bad - absolutely excited about what the day has in store for me. Sometimes I hit a low point, and sure I get mad and upset sometimes, but overall I never want to feel like I am too far from something to make me smile. I want to have tons and tons of wonderful friends to trust and to love. I want them to trust and love me. I have learned that love comes from many places in my life, and even though sometimes I go looking for it in the wrong places, I can never deny the unconditional love I receive everyday from the people I have chosen to be my friends. I want to always keep in touch with my family - the people who truly hold the key to my past. Although I don't always acknowledge it, my past has lead me to this wonderful future, and for that I am grateful. I want to make a difference in the world - even if it is just one act of kindness at a time to make someone else's day a little brighter. I want to travel the world and see as much of it as I can. Nothing wakes me up inside like watching the sun set over some exotic background. It takes my breath away! I want to always have a sense of adventure and the desire to make even the most mundane tasks into an expedition. I want to be honest with myself, and with others I care about. I never want to lose myself to someone else.
I don't know the specifics of what it is I will be doing, or where I'm going, or living, but I don't care either. I have decided now that my life will not be about where I want to work, but what and who I want to be, and the people I have chosen to be a part of it.
I thought about it and in the end, a job really is just a job, and as long as it is tolerable, it is not by any means the definition that should be placed next to our names. When someone asks me what I "do" I never know quite how to answer them. If I say "I work for an insurance company" You learn nothing about me. If I say "I go to school" It's a lie, because I didn't show up to it half the time anyway. If I reply "I go drinking" You think I have no redeeming value beyond just going to the bar. So what, then do I reply. Maybe "I laugh a lot. And I find happiness in every part of my life." Yup... that sounds about right.
When I am "grown up" I think I know exactly what I want to be, and none of it has anything to do with my employment. I want to make enough money to be comfortable, but not rich, and to be able to be content living within my means. I want to be Happy, in everything I do. I change my mind regularly about where I want to be and what I want to do, and the things that make me smile today may make me cry tomorrow, but wherever I am, I want to always have a reason to smile. I want to laugh all the time and keep the optimism that I carry with me now. I literally wake up everyday - good or bad - absolutely excited about what the day has in store for me. Sometimes I hit a low point, and sure I get mad and upset sometimes, but overall I never want to feel like I am too far from something to make me smile. I want to have tons and tons of wonderful friends to trust and to love. I want them to trust and love me. I have learned that love comes from many places in my life, and even though sometimes I go looking for it in the wrong places, I can never deny the unconditional love I receive everyday from the people I have chosen to be my friends. I want to always keep in touch with my family - the people who truly hold the key to my past. Although I don't always acknowledge it, my past has lead me to this wonderful future, and for that I am grateful. I want to make a difference in the world - even if it is just one act of kindness at a time to make someone else's day a little brighter. I want to travel the world and see as much of it as I can. Nothing wakes me up inside like watching the sun set over some exotic background. It takes my breath away! I want to always have a sense of adventure and the desire to make even the most mundane tasks into an expedition. I want to be honest with myself, and with others I care about. I never want to lose myself to someone else.
I don't know the specifics of what it is I will be doing, or where I'm going, or living, but I don't care either. I have decided now that my life will not be about where I want to work, but what and who I want to be, and the people I have chosen to be a part of it.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Have I forgotten?
I used to have 2 grandmothers. I only speak of one. Yesterday someone asked me about my other grandmother, and all I could do was tell them small details about her being a nice lady. She was so much more, and I loved her with all my heart. I don't know why I didn't know how to respond, But I felt awful for it. 14 years later, a lifetime of love, and that's the best I could do??? "She was a nice lady"????? My, how time has changed me...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I remember...
I remember this place...
18 years of my life.
Laughter and tears,
Triumphs and defeats.
I remember this place...
Christmas morning and presents
And staring out the window
At the freshly fallen snow.
I remember this room...
Screams and shouting,
Tears of agony
And lying defeated on the floor.
I remember this place...
The smell of her skin,
The sight of her smile,
And the echo of her laugh reverberating through the halls.
I remember this room...
The sound of her swearing,
The shattering of the lamp,
And the sickening snap that a bone makes when it breaks.
I remember this place...
Minute-maid fruit punch ice pops,
Rice krispies treats,
And apples and cheese on a plate for lunch.
I remember this room...
The loss of composure,
And the way her eyes narrowed
When she told me I was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life.
I remember this place...
The frost on the grass
On a February morning
And sitting in the warm car while waiting for the bus.
I remember this room...
The splintering of wood,
Hiding in the darkness of the closet,
And the destruction of the coat rack as it shattered over my thigh.
I remember this place...
Birthday parties and proms
And standing together as a family
Smiling for pictures on the day of my sister's wedding.
I remember this room...
The sound of the thunder
And the way my lungs forgot how to breathe
On they day they told me that her cancer had become terminal.
I remember this place...
Playing in the pool with my cousins,
Hide and seek in the dark,
And having the family over for my grandmother's 75th birthday.
I remember this room.
The fear in my heart,
Fumbling to unlatch the lock
And running as fast as I could to get to the safety of my grandfather's house...
I remember this place...
Setting the table for dinner,
Laughing with my sister,
And the smell of a pot roast simmering on the stove.
I remember this room...
Watching her pick up the curling iron,
And the anger in her face
As she told me to get the fuck out of her house and never come back.
I remember this place...
Packing my things,
Heading for freedom,
And having the courage to seek more from life...
It was the best thing she ever did for me...
18 years of my life.
Laughter and tears,
Triumphs and defeats.
I remember this place...
Christmas morning and presents
And staring out the window
At the freshly fallen snow.
I remember this room...
Screams and shouting,
Tears of agony
And lying defeated on the floor.
I remember this place...
The smell of her skin,
The sight of her smile,
And the echo of her laugh reverberating through the halls.
I remember this room...
The sound of her swearing,
The shattering of the lamp,
And the sickening snap that a bone makes when it breaks.
I remember this place...
Minute-maid fruit punch ice pops,
Rice krispies treats,
And apples and cheese on a plate for lunch.
I remember this room...
The loss of composure,
And the way her eyes narrowed
When she told me I was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life.
I remember this place...
The frost on the grass
On a February morning
And sitting in the warm car while waiting for the bus.
I remember this room...
The splintering of wood,
Hiding in the darkness of the closet,
And the destruction of the coat rack as it shattered over my thigh.
I remember this place...
Birthday parties and proms
And standing together as a family
Smiling for pictures on the day of my sister's wedding.
I remember this room...
The sound of the thunder
And the way my lungs forgot how to breathe
On they day they told me that her cancer had become terminal.
I remember this place...
Playing in the pool with my cousins,
Hide and seek in the dark,
And having the family over for my grandmother's 75th birthday.
I remember this room.
The fear in my heart,
Fumbling to unlatch the lock
And running as fast as I could to get to the safety of my grandfather's house...
I remember this place...
Setting the table for dinner,
Laughing with my sister,
And the smell of a pot roast simmering on the stove.
I remember this room...
Watching her pick up the curling iron,
And the anger in her face
As she told me to get the fuck out of her house and never come back.
I remember this place...
Packing my things,
Heading for freedom,
And having the courage to seek more from life...
It was the best thing she ever did for me...
Monday, May 24, 2010
The beauty of possibility...
I could never explain it, and he could never understand it - the beauty of possibility that exists all around us everyday. I can never deny that he changed me. He brought into my life a small sense or turmoil, and a reawakened sense of confusion. He brought with him no love, and no sense of comfort. He was never the one, and he could never begin to comprehend the magnitude of the depth of my soul. His eyes don't see as mine do, and his sense of character ran no further than the shallows of his skin. His sense of reason, though logical, can not help him to grasp onto that which he can not see. How then, did this insignificant being, reopen my eyes to that which has been in front of me the whole time.
There is a delicate balance that hangs between what we know and what we can not understand. There is a fine line that separates physical sensation, and the unexplained intuition that we are all born with. The ability to harness that intuition once we have been taught that it is not real is nearly impossible, and I almost lost mine for a while. It lives in that feeling of goosebumps we get down our neck when we can feel some unseen presence in the room. It is that sense of deja vous we get when we just knew something was going to take place. It is that piece of paper that falls at our feet, the door that mysteriously opens, and the split second catastrophe we almost became a part of, but didn't. I guess in many ways, it is opening our eyes to the beauty that coincidences, are rarely ever so...
I had been upset, and I missed someone so dearly with all my heart. I woke up crying 2 weeks ago - not because I was sad, but because I realized that my grandmother would not be able to see me walk at my graduation. I wrote about how I felt as though she had given me a kiss on the cheek one night to make me feel better, but the story went further than I could express. I was sitting in my bed later that night typing up the story about what I had experienced, and suddenly I felt that presence again. It felt so near, I called out and said hello to her. I asked her if she was near. I watched my bedroom door go from completely closed to open itself up about 18 inches and then stop short. I can not explain the magnitude of this gesture. I can't explain the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind at the time. All I could do right then and there was talk to her - like she had never been gone - as if I had just walked into her living room, sat down and began having the conversation I had been dying to have for almost 3 years... Then I felt her presence start to lift, so I asked that she stay with me for just a few minutes more until I fell asleep. That was where it ended.
My graduation day came and went, and with it, this presence. Since this day, however, I feel like I can't turn these feelings off. They used to be so obvious every day when I was a young girl, but I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle them. I tried to stop them for many years out of fear. I am learning to trust my intuition instead of ignoring it. I am reading through the lines in the situations of my life. I am seeing the good intentions of the people around me, even when the execution of them might not go off so smoothly. I feel good about this recent chain of events, and I take comfort in embracing them.
I can not be friends with this individual who set this chain of events in motion. From the minute I laid eyes on him I knew that his role was going to be significant, even thought it was not in the way I expected it to be... I will never tell him of the positive consequences and perspective that his betrayal has had on my life. In time I will forgive him in my own way, but only when the time feels right and I grow tired of being angry with him. In the end, I am a reaffirmed believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason and that we do not necessarily meet them people we want in our lives, but we do meet the people we need. I would not change this for anything.
There is a delicate balance that hangs between what we know and what we can not understand. There is a fine line that separates physical sensation, and the unexplained intuition that we are all born with. The ability to harness that intuition once we have been taught that it is not real is nearly impossible, and I almost lost mine for a while. It lives in that feeling of goosebumps we get down our neck when we can feel some unseen presence in the room. It is that sense of deja vous we get when we just knew something was going to take place. It is that piece of paper that falls at our feet, the door that mysteriously opens, and the split second catastrophe we almost became a part of, but didn't. I guess in many ways, it is opening our eyes to the beauty that coincidences, are rarely ever so...
I had been upset, and I missed someone so dearly with all my heart. I woke up crying 2 weeks ago - not because I was sad, but because I realized that my grandmother would not be able to see me walk at my graduation. I wrote about how I felt as though she had given me a kiss on the cheek one night to make me feel better, but the story went further than I could express. I was sitting in my bed later that night typing up the story about what I had experienced, and suddenly I felt that presence again. It felt so near, I called out and said hello to her. I asked her if she was near. I watched my bedroom door go from completely closed to open itself up about 18 inches and then stop short. I can not explain the magnitude of this gesture. I can't explain the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind at the time. All I could do right then and there was talk to her - like she had never been gone - as if I had just walked into her living room, sat down and began having the conversation I had been dying to have for almost 3 years... Then I felt her presence start to lift, so I asked that she stay with me for just a few minutes more until I fell asleep. That was where it ended.
My graduation day came and went, and with it, this presence. Since this day, however, I feel like I can't turn these feelings off. They used to be so obvious every day when I was a young girl, but I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle them. I tried to stop them for many years out of fear. I am learning to trust my intuition instead of ignoring it. I am reading through the lines in the situations of my life. I am seeing the good intentions of the people around me, even when the execution of them might not go off so smoothly. I feel good about this recent chain of events, and I take comfort in embracing them.
I can not be friends with this individual who set this chain of events in motion. From the minute I laid eyes on him I knew that his role was going to be significant, even thought it was not in the way I expected it to be... I will never tell him of the positive consequences and perspective that his betrayal has had on my life. In time I will forgive him in my own way, but only when the time feels right and I grow tired of being angry with him. In the end, I am a reaffirmed believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason and that we do not necessarily meet them people we want in our lives, but we do meet the people we need. I would not change this for anything.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I'm always the last to know.
Somehow it always happens. Same story every time. Girl meets boy. Boy seems like a wonderful person. Girl lowers walls to let boy in. Boy plays the part excellent. Then a month into it boy informs girl that she is the "other woman" - that he had a girlfriend the whole time. SERIOUSLY???? Are you kidding me???? It happened the same with the Australian boy who told me he loved me and made plans to be with me- until one day I got an email telling me he had a fiancé... asking if he should leave her for me... WHO DOES THAT?? Then there was the pilot, who I went back and forth with for months, only to think things were changing and then woke up to the message on his phone going off next to me "Hey baby, hope you have a great day! I love you and miss you!" Now, finally there is the Sailor who made plans to meet my family, and hold my hand, and tell me how wonderful he thought I was - right up until he explained that he never ended it with his girlfriend and he plans on continuing a long distance relationship with her when she moves to The Philippines... Where the hell do I find these people????
I live a lot of my life in the "gray areas" so to speak, but these are lines I do not cross. In my head there is still always going to be a distinction between loyalty and infidelity - Between good and bad, and right and wrong. There are many roles I am willing to play in this careful balancing act that has become my life, but the role of "mistress" will never be one of them. If he did it to her he will do it to me. I don't fool myself with stories of men changing for someone, and thinking I'm special enough to keep him faithful. I am special... But I'm not naive. I will never be the girl who drives by someone's house, or goes snooping through his call logs. I'll never question where he is going and with whom. I believe that when we meet someone, whether it me a relationship, friendship, or family member, we have 2 choices - We can trust them, or we can not. The point where the trust is lost is the moment these relationships become strained and broken. If there is no trust, there is no point. I will not beat myself up over this.
I spent so much of my life trying to keep people away - trying to pretend these actions didn't phase me. I didn't let anyone into my heart for fear that they would break it. I didn't trust anyone for fear that they would hurt me and let me down. I have changed this. I embrace my heartbreaks and my disappointments in exchange for the fabulous feelings of love and happiness that tearing down these walls has afforded me. The love I receive from my friends and the trust I have been able to develop has literally changed my life. I have so much happiness surrounding me everyday that I can barely put it into words.
Years ago this recent news about the man I was seeing would have closed me up all over again. Today, however it will do no such thing. Somewhere between being closed off and being blind there is a a happy medium. I will take any heartbreak in the world over going back to that dead dark place again. I may have been disappointed and a little hurt over the situation, but I know that it is just one bump in the road that I am sure to recover from in record time. I surround myself with love everyday. I have wonderful friends who are like family to me who give me reasons to smile, and a feeling of safety. I know that I am unique, and in a world that undervalues uniqueness I am a gamble to love. Until I find someone who values me enough to put me first I will continue to sustain myself on the undeniable, exuberant amount of love I receive from the people who have been wonderful enough to touch my heart.
I live a lot of my life in the "gray areas" so to speak, but these are lines I do not cross. In my head there is still always going to be a distinction between loyalty and infidelity - Between good and bad, and right and wrong. There are many roles I am willing to play in this careful balancing act that has become my life, but the role of "mistress" will never be one of them. If he did it to her he will do it to me. I don't fool myself with stories of men changing for someone, and thinking I'm special enough to keep him faithful. I am special... But I'm not naive. I will never be the girl who drives by someone's house, or goes snooping through his call logs. I'll never question where he is going and with whom. I believe that when we meet someone, whether it me a relationship, friendship, or family member, we have 2 choices - We can trust them, or we can not. The point where the trust is lost is the moment these relationships become strained and broken. If there is no trust, there is no point. I will not beat myself up over this.
I spent so much of my life trying to keep people away - trying to pretend these actions didn't phase me. I didn't let anyone into my heart for fear that they would break it. I didn't trust anyone for fear that they would hurt me and let me down. I have changed this. I embrace my heartbreaks and my disappointments in exchange for the fabulous feelings of love and happiness that tearing down these walls has afforded me. The love I receive from my friends and the trust I have been able to develop has literally changed my life. I have so much happiness surrounding me everyday that I can barely put it into words.
Years ago this recent news about the man I was seeing would have closed me up all over again. Today, however it will do no such thing. Somewhere between being closed off and being blind there is a a happy medium. I will take any heartbreak in the world over going back to that dead dark place again. I may have been disappointed and a little hurt over the situation, but I know that it is just one bump in the road that I am sure to recover from in record time. I surround myself with love everyday. I have wonderful friends who are like family to me who give me reasons to smile, and a feeling of safety. I know that I am unique, and in a world that undervalues uniqueness I am a gamble to love. Until I find someone who values me enough to put me first I will continue to sustain myself on the undeniable, exuberant amount of love I receive from the people who have been wonderful enough to touch my heart.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Kiss on the Cheek
I know I have mentioned my grandmother a lot in this blog. With my graduation fast approaching I have been thinking about her a lot more than usual. Yesterday, however I had an amazing experience, and I just had to write about it.
I came home from a friend's house, visibly frazzled and a little upset. I was kind of shocked by the news I had just received... I came home and asked my friend Sam to come over for a while to keep me company so I could occupy mind long enough to finish my homework. It's finals week, and in true me Fashion, I have put off my projects all semester so this last week or so leaves me exhausted, staying up all night scrambling to finish projects, and returns me to a caffeine and nicotine addiction that I left behind about 6 years ago (Just for the week... I quit again on Friday lol).
So I didn't want to talk about my situation to anyone, and I still don't but I just felt an anxiety I hadn't felt for a long time - a range of emotions from hurt, excited, upset, and angry all rolled into one. I couldn't focus on my tasks and I couldn't seem to eat anything other than coca cola and cigarettes. Eventually this lead to a massive headache, and I had to go lie down on the couch for a while.
Sam was still sitting in my kitchen - nowhere near me, and I lay down on my love seat. I was in the process of falling asleep, in that state where you are halfway there but still aware of your surroundings, when I felt it. It felt as though someone lightly brushed the hair back from my forehead and then gave me a very light kiss on the cheek. I opened my eyes confused, but no one was there. All of a sudden, though, it felt as if all those feelings and anxiety had drifted away. I felt so calm and so at peace. I was able to get up feeling 10x better about everything. I still feel better...
I don't know what everyone else believes in, but I know what I felt, and I really think My Mommom watches over me. I have been missing her a lot lately, and as crazy as it sounds, I think that she came to visit me yesterday. She was the only person in the world who has ever been able to calm me like that with just her presence, and it is a feeling I have not had in almost 3 years. The familiarity of it blew me away even more than the action itself. It felt like coming home. I have always believed that someone looks after me, but every once in a while, when I feel like I'm at my worst, it is an indescribable feeling to be reminded that I am not alone -that even in death, I still have her love.
I came home from a friend's house, visibly frazzled and a little upset. I was kind of shocked by the news I had just received... I came home and asked my friend Sam to come over for a while to keep me company so I could occupy mind long enough to finish my homework. It's finals week, and in true me Fashion, I have put off my projects all semester so this last week or so leaves me exhausted, staying up all night scrambling to finish projects, and returns me to a caffeine and nicotine addiction that I left behind about 6 years ago (Just for the week... I quit again on Friday lol).
So I didn't want to talk about my situation to anyone, and I still don't but I just felt an anxiety I hadn't felt for a long time - a range of emotions from hurt, excited, upset, and angry all rolled into one. I couldn't focus on my tasks and I couldn't seem to eat anything other than coca cola and cigarettes. Eventually this lead to a massive headache, and I had to go lie down on the couch for a while.
Sam was still sitting in my kitchen - nowhere near me, and I lay down on my love seat. I was in the process of falling asleep, in that state where you are halfway there but still aware of your surroundings, when I felt it. It felt as though someone lightly brushed the hair back from my forehead and then gave me a very light kiss on the cheek. I opened my eyes confused, but no one was there. All of a sudden, though, it felt as if all those feelings and anxiety had drifted away. I felt so calm and so at peace. I was able to get up feeling 10x better about everything. I still feel better...
I don't know what everyone else believes in, but I know what I felt, and I really think My Mommom watches over me. I have been missing her a lot lately, and as crazy as it sounds, I think that she came to visit me yesterday. She was the only person in the world who has ever been able to calm me like that with just her presence, and it is a feeling I have not had in almost 3 years. The familiarity of it blew me away even more than the action itself. It felt like coming home. I have always believed that someone looks after me, but every once in a while, when I feel like I'm at my worst, it is an indescribable feeling to be reminded that I am not alone -that even in death, I still have her love.
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