Be my escape

This song came on my pandora on the way to work today. Little did I know that it was going to be a sign. I finally had enough of my everyday. I'm seeking better. Moving to California in 2 months. Here I go!

"Be My Escape" - By Reliant K

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

The light at the end of the tunnel. (I hope)

I think I'm finally frustrated enough to make some serious changes in my life. I feel exhausted and tired everyday. I dread going to my job, and facing people who add drama to my life. I have stopped participating in the things I used to love. But I am taking active steps to get out of this funk.

I began applying for jobs all over the place. I have sent out resumes to government environmental jobs in 3 states, 7 resumes in the last week, spoken to coast guard reserve recruiters (who told me I was ineligible), began a peace corps application, began actively seeking an official copy of my grandfather's birth certificate so that I might apply for European citizenship, and finally I have made a couple of contacts to send out resumes to in Southern California. The first one to save me from this rut wins. I'm done.

In a non related story, I was on the phone with my best friend the other night and I was telling him of my plans to get out and the crazy dreams that I have been having lately. I told him about how I have been having dreams of some of my ex-boyfriends. He made some really good points that I had never considered before, and it really helped me to look at things in a different point of view. He told me that he thinks I blame myself for the failed relationships that weren't my fault. I agreed that I did. I came to realize that even though they all either cheated on me, or used me to cheat on someone else (that I didn't know about) I looked at it as karma from the mistakes that I had made in the past. I think my debt has been paid in full and should finally let this go. I have dreams of the situations I walked away from. I truly cared for these people when I was with them, but couldn't see how to forgive them for their betrayals when I discovered them. I think of these decisions. And I realized that in some ways I still cling to these relationships - wondering how they are or what had become if I had stayed and forgiven infidelities. would I be here right now? Would I be happier? Would I be miserable? Would I have moved to another country with him?? These are the questions that haunt me in my dreams and force me to consider them in my waking life. Do I think of these situations because I still want them? Or am I actually finally seeking a serious companion and because I have unable to find one I revert back to the places in my past that I once felt comfortably in?? I'm almost sure it is the latter.

For this reason I am letting them go. I am deleting them from my life. I'm removing their numbers from my phone and deleting their emails. I'm blocking their addresses and disconnecting their memberships on my sites. I never realized how much this was holding me back. I carry these scars with me and allow them to hinder my ability to find happiness with another. I don't want to do it anymore. I started with this last night as I removed the first name from my phone book. These ghosts have haunted me for long enough, and I have spent enough time punishing myself for my past mistakes. I am not the girl same girl I once was. I no longer deserve the consequences for my past mistakes. With these changes, perhaps someday soon I can return to the dreamless sleeps that I love and miss so dearly.

An Unexpected Truth

I have a friend visiting me from out of town - A very dear friend, who I haven't seen in over a year. She lives in Germany, but she has made it a point to see me every year since I met her. This time she arrived with a shaved head and a tattoo of pink flowers on her scalp. At first glance, she looks pretty badass to say the least. Looking closer, however tells a different story. The scar above her right breast and the mysterious pills she takes everyday are a clear giveaway... They gave her 18 months. What the hell is that?!?!?!

I'm angry and I'm upset. This disease has managed to take some of the most inspiring people I have ever known. It knows no bounds and it has no discrimination. I'm bitter thinking about the fact that all my cousins have their grandparents still, and have photos at their weddings and graduations with them. I have lost all of mine to the same disease. Gone. I know that we all must die of something, but for such a young girl to face this reality breaks my heart.

She is only 34 years old and the disease has already reached her liver, both her breasts, and is now beginning to attack her bone marrow. She remains hopeful and so do I, but the question remains... How can this happen to someone so young... She is undergoing experimental treatment, and may have a real shot, but the idea of someone speaking about their live in terms of time left and possibility of losing makes me sick to my stomach. What a brave woman she must be to have heard these words and let them slide off her back and say "No that's not long enough, I plan on living much longer than that." I can't even imagine... How dare they put a time limit on my friend's life. The though makes me sick to my stomach.

I know she will put up a fight. She will get through this. She has to.

Noise

All I hear is noise around my head. It clouds my judgement and keeps my thoughts from settling out. Like the Tropical flood that is going on right now outside my window the sound of thunder has been keeping me awake for months. It invades my dreams and manifests itself in my nightmares. I slam the windows and doors shut for just a small second relief from the static. This place I live is both a paradise and a prison. I feel trapped in this life and I wonder how I ended up here.

I am making changes to better myself and give myself a brighter future, but I still have no idea what that future should be. I don't want to live here forever. I don't want to go back to the place I came from. I don't want children, and I can't see myself ever getting married. It seems that though I know exactly what I don't want, I have no idea what I do.

I have always lived my life with reckless abandon. I have been the cause of and solution to many of the problems in my own life. The decisions that I have made have lead me to this beautiful place on which I stand right now, but they have recently become obstacles to my goals as well.

I feel like I'm closing off my heart again. The people who I have chosen to open it to are no longer able to reach me. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago that he feels like he is standing on the other side of a 2 way mirror trying to help with no idea how. I don't know what to tell him. We all have our secrets, and mine are no worse than anyone else's. We all have our burden to bear, and a side we choose to hide. I guess I'm still trying to figure out which way I'd like to go with mine. Perhaps when I can figure it out, I will finally be able to quiet the incessant noise that is constantly surrounding me so I might finally get a good night's sleep.

The letter I will never send (how cliche)

To the man who will never see this:
In regards to your random 2am email after not speaking in over a year:
We have said all we have to say. I have no idea what you could possibly want from me. You lied to me. You betrayed me. You are getting married. I'm still me. Situations didn't change... I live in a world so totally different from yours that I don't think we ever could have existed happily anyway. I haven't seen you in so long that I really feel like I might be writing to a ghost - in fact I almost prefer that I was... I have a hard time believing that you were ever actually real... I'm writing these words to get them out of me. Because they need to be heard even if never by you...

You say you were in love with me, but I know the truth. You, like everyone else was in love with the idea of me. I'm an excellent escape from on ordinary and boring life. It's easy to conjure up an illusion of me. It's easy to suck me into your own life when you omit that little detail of you having a FIANCE! You can make me whoever you want - you don't actually have to see me for who I really am. I don't want wine on a beach and cliche evening strolls along the park. I don't want to have your children, or to wear your big diamond on my finger. I'm not that girl, and I will never fit into your mold. I want adventure. If you knew anything about me, you would know this... but you don't and you never will.

You title your email asking if you still affect me... the only thing you affect is my reaction to panic and my flight response. I thought I saw your face and I damn near killed myself trying to dodge past the innocent people walking down the street as I ran the other way... I'm not a fast runner, unless I know what I'm running from. You might be worth the asthma attack...

This letter will never be sent to you. There is no reason. You don't know me anymore. You ask where I am and what I am doing... I don't think you deserve to know. These are the things I would love to say to you if I didn't know for a fact that I would only be instigating further contact. So please, absorb my words in the air, let them fall into your soul, and let me continue walking my path alone. I can't wait to forget about you...

The Real World...

It has been about 2 weeks since I started working at my new job. So far I have withstood a barrage of comments and jokes about how the good life is coming to an end.. I'm here to say NOT TRUE my compadres! It is alive and well indeed! I got to thinking the other night about what I want out of life, and what I want to be when I "grow up" and not a single job popped into my head. I have spent endless hours and years on a college education to get a degree that I still don't know what I want to do with. That's when it hit me... It doesn't freakin matter!!!!

I thought about it and in the end, a job really is just a job, and as long as it is tolerable, it is not by any means the definition that should be placed next to our names. When someone asks me what I "do" I never know quite how to answer them. If I say "I work for an insurance company" You learn nothing about me. If I say "I go to school" It's a lie, because I didn't show up to it half the time anyway. If I reply "I go drinking" You think I have no redeeming value beyond just going to the bar. So what, then do I reply. Maybe "I laugh a lot. And I find happiness in every part of my life." Yup... that sounds about right.

When I am "grown up" I think I know exactly what I want to be, and none of it has anything to do with my employment. I want to make enough money to be comfortable, but not rich, and to be able to be content living within my means. I want to be Happy, in everything I do. I change my mind regularly about where I want to be and what I want to do, and the things that make me smile today may make me cry tomorrow, but wherever I am, I want to always have a reason to smile. I want to laugh all the time and keep the optimism that I carry with me now. I literally wake up everyday - good or bad - absolutely excited about what the day has in store for me. Sometimes I hit a low point, and sure I get mad and upset sometimes, but overall I never want to feel like I am too far from something to make me smile. I want to have tons and tons of wonderful friends to trust and to love. I want them to trust and love me. I have learned that love comes from many places in my life, and even though sometimes I go looking for it in the wrong places, I can never deny the unconditional love I receive everyday from the people I have chosen to be my friends. I want to always keep in touch with my family - the people who truly hold the key to my past. Although I don't always acknowledge it, my past has lead me to this wonderful future, and for that I am grateful. I want to make a difference in the world - even if it is just one act of kindness at a time to make someone else's day a little brighter. I want to travel the world and see as much of it as I can. Nothing wakes me up inside like watching the sun set over some exotic background. It takes my breath away! I want to always have a sense of adventure and the desire to make even the most mundane tasks into an expedition. I want to be honest with myself, and with others I care about. I never want to lose myself to someone else.

I don't know the specifics of what it is I will be doing, or where I'm going, or living, but I don't care either. I have decided now that my life will not be about where I want to work, but what and who I want to be, and the people I have chosen to be a part of it.

Have I forgotten?

I used to have 2 grandmothers. I only speak of one. Yesterday someone asked me about my other grandmother, and all I could do was tell them small details about her being a nice lady. She was so much more, and I loved her with all my heart. I don't know why I didn't know how to respond, But I felt awful for it. 14 years later, a lifetime of love, and that's the best I could do??? "She was a nice lady"????? My, how time has changed me...

I remember...

I remember this place...
18 years of my life.
Laughter and tears,
Triumphs and defeats.

I remember this place...
Christmas morning and presents
And staring out the window
At the freshly fallen snow.

I remember this room...
Screams and shouting,
Tears of agony
And lying defeated on the floor.

I remember this place...
The smell of her skin,
The sight of her smile,
And the echo of her laugh reverberating through the halls.

I remember this room...
The sound of her swearing,
The shattering of the lamp,
And the sickening snap that a bone makes when it breaks.

I remember this place...
Minute-maid fruit punch ice pops,
Rice krispies treats,
And apples and cheese on a plate for lunch.

I remember this room...
The loss of composure,
And the way her eyes narrowed
When she told me I was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life.

I remember this place...
The frost on the grass
On a February morning
And sitting in the warm car while waiting for the bus.

I remember this room...
The splintering of wood,
Hiding in the darkness of the closet,
And the destruction of the coat rack as it shattered over my thigh.

I remember this place...
Birthday parties and proms
And standing together as a family
Smiling for pictures on the day of my sister's wedding.

I remember this room...
The sound of the thunder
And the way my lungs forgot how to breathe
On they day they told me that her cancer had become terminal.

I remember this place...
Playing in the pool with my cousins,
Hide and seek in the dark,
And having the family over for my grandmother's 75th birthday.

I remember this room.
The fear in my heart,
Fumbling to unlatch the lock
And running as fast as I could to get to the safety of my grandfather's house...

I remember this place...
Setting the table for dinner,
Laughing with my sister,
And the smell of a pot roast simmering on the stove.

I remember this room...
Watching her pick up the curling iron,
And the anger in her face
As she told me to get the fuck out of her house and never come back.

I remember this place...
Packing my things,
Heading for freedom,
And having the courage to seek more from life...

It was the best thing she ever did for me...

The beauty of possibility...

I could never explain it, and he could never understand it - the beauty of possibility that exists all around us everyday. I can never deny that he changed me. He brought into my life a small sense or turmoil, and a reawakened sense of confusion. He brought with him no love, and no sense of comfort. He was never the one, and he could never begin to comprehend the magnitude of the depth of my soul. His eyes don't see as mine do, and his sense of character ran no further than the shallows of his skin. His sense of reason, though logical, can not help him to grasp onto that which he can not see. How then, did this insignificant being, reopen my eyes to that which has been in front of me the whole time.

There is a delicate balance that hangs between what we know and what we can not understand. There is a fine line that separates physical sensation, and the unexplained intuition that we are all born with. The ability to harness that intuition once we have been taught that it is not real is nearly impossible, and I almost lost mine for a while. It lives in that feeling of goosebumps we get down our neck when we can feel some unseen presence in the room. It is that sense of deja vous we get when we just knew something was going to take place. It is that piece of paper that falls at our feet, the door that mysteriously opens, and the split second catastrophe we almost became a part of, but didn't. I guess in many ways, it is opening our eyes to the beauty that coincidences, are rarely ever so...

I had been upset, and I missed someone so dearly with all my heart. I woke up crying 2 weeks ago - not because I was sad, but because I realized that my grandmother would not be able to see me walk at my graduation. I wrote about how I felt as though she had given me a kiss on the cheek one night to make me feel better, but the story went further than I could express. I was sitting in my bed later that night typing up the story about what I had experienced, and suddenly I felt that presence again. It felt so near, I called out and said hello to her. I asked her if she was near. I watched my bedroom door go from completely closed to open itself up about 18 inches and then stop short. I can not explain the magnitude of this gesture. I can't explain the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind at the time. All I could do right then and there was talk to her - like she had never been gone - as if I had just walked into her living room, sat down and began having the conversation I had been dying to have for almost 3 years... Then I felt her presence start to lift, so I asked that she stay with me for just a few minutes more until I fell asleep. That was where it ended.

My graduation day came and went, and with it, this presence. Since this day, however, I feel like I can't turn these feelings off. They used to be so obvious every day when I was a young girl, but I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to handle them. I tried to stop them for many years out of fear. I am learning to trust my intuition instead of ignoring it. I am reading through the lines in the situations of my life. I am seeing the good intentions of the people around me, even when the execution of them might not go off so smoothly. I feel good about this recent chain of events, and I take comfort in embracing them.

I can not be friends with this individual who set this chain of events in motion. From the minute I laid eyes on him I knew that his role was going to be significant, even thought it was not in the way I expected it to be... I will never tell him of the positive consequences and perspective that his betrayal has had on my life. In time I will forgive him in my own way, but only when the time feels right and I grow tired of being angry with him. In the end, I am a reaffirmed believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason and that we do not necessarily meet them people we want in our lives, but we do meet the people we need. I would not change this for anything.

I'm always the last to know.

Somehow it always happens. Same story every time. Girl meets boy. Boy seems like a wonderful person. Girl lowers walls to let boy in. Boy plays the part excellent. Then a month into it boy informs girl that she is the "other woman" - that he had a girlfriend the whole time. SERIOUSLY???? Are you kidding me???? It happened the same with the Australian boy who told me he loved me and made plans to be with me- until one day I got an email telling me he had a fiancé... asking if he should leave her for me... WHO DOES THAT?? Then there was the pilot, who I went back and forth with for months, only to think things were changing and then woke up to the message on his phone going off next to me "Hey baby, hope you have a great day! I love you and miss you!" Now, finally there is the Sailor who made plans to meet my family, and hold my hand, and tell me how wonderful he thought I was - right up until he explained that he never ended it with his girlfriend and he plans on continuing a long distance relationship with her when she moves to The Philippines... Where the hell do I find these people????

I live a lot of my life in the "gray areas" so to speak, but these are lines I do not cross. In my head there is still always going to be a distinction between loyalty and infidelity - Between good and bad, and right and wrong. There are many roles I am willing to play in this careful balancing act that has become my life, but the role of "mistress" will never be one of them. If he did it to her he will do it to me. I don't fool myself with stories of men changing for someone, and thinking I'm special enough to keep him faithful. I am special... But I'm not naive. I will never be the girl who drives by someone's house, or goes snooping through his call logs. I'll never question where he is going and with whom. I believe that when we meet someone, whether it me a relationship, friendship, or family member, we have 2 choices - We can trust them, or we can not. The point where the trust is lost is the moment these relationships become strained and broken. If there is no trust, there is no point. I will not beat myself up over this.

I spent so much of my life trying to keep people away - trying to pretend these actions didn't phase me. I didn't let anyone into my heart for fear that they would break it. I didn't trust anyone for fear that they would hurt me and let me down. I have changed this. I embrace my heartbreaks and my disappointments in exchange for the fabulous feelings of love and happiness that tearing down these walls has afforded me. The love I receive from my friends and the trust I have been able to develop has literally changed my life. I have so much happiness surrounding me everyday that I can barely put it into words.

Years ago this recent news about the man I was seeing would have closed me up all over again. Today, however it will do no such thing. Somewhere between being closed off and being blind there is a a happy medium. I will take any heartbreak in the world over going back to that dead dark place again. I may have been disappointed and a little hurt over the situation, but I know that it is just one bump in the road that I am sure to recover from in record time. I surround myself with love everyday. I have wonderful friends who are like family to me who give me reasons to smile, and a feeling of safety. I know that I am unique, and in a world that undervalues uniqueness I am a gamble to love. Until I find someone who values me enough to put me first I will continue to sustain myself on the undeniable, exuberant amount of love I receive from the people who have been wonderful enough to touch my heart.

A Kiss on the Cheek

I know I have mentioned my grandmother a lot in this blog. With my graduation fast approaching I have been thinking about her a lot more than usual. Yesterday, however I had an amazing experience, and I just had to write about it.

I came home from a friend's house, visibly frazzled and a little upset. I was kind of shocked by the news I had just received... I came home and asked my friend Sam to come over for a while to keep me company so I could occupy mind long enough to finish my homework. It's finals week, and in true me Fashion, I have put off my projects all semester so this last week or so leaves me exhausted, staying up all night scrambling to finish projects, and returns me to a caffeine and nicotine addiction that I left behind about 6 years ago (Just for the week... I quit again on Friday lol).

So I didn't want to talk about my situation to anyone, and I still don't but I just felt an anxiety I hadn't felt for a long time - a range of emotions from hurt, excited, upset, and angry all rolled into one. I couldn't focus on my tasks and I couldn't seem to eat anything other than coca cola and cigarettes. Eventually this lead to a massive headache, and I had to go lie down on the couch for a while.

Sam was still sitting in my kitchen - nowhere near me, and I lay down on my love seat. I was in the process of falling asleep, in that state where you are halfway there but still aware of your surroundings, when I felt it. It felt as though someone lightly brushed the hair back from my forehead and then gave me a very light kiss on the cheek. I opened my eyes confused, but no one was there. All of a sudden, though, it felt as if all those feelings and anxiety had drifted away. I felt so calm and so at peace. I was able to get up feeling 10x better about everything. I still feel better...

I don't know what everyone else believes in, but I know what I felt, and I really think My Mommom watches over me. I have been missing her a lot lately, and as crazy as it sounds, I think that she came to visit me yesterday. She was the only person in the world who has ever been able to calm me like that with just her presence, and it is a feeling I have not had in almost 3 years. The familiarity of it blew me away even more than the action itself. It felt like coming home. I have always believed that someone looks after me, but every once in a while, when I feel like I'm at my worst, it is an indescribable feeling to be reminded that I am not alone -that even in death, I still have her love.

Who am I

Through reading the progression of this blog and all comments that have been added through the last 2 years I have realized that these entries really don't offer any insight toward the person I really am. I am actually an incredibly optimistic, excitable, and happy 27 year old girl who just happens to have a troubled past that resurfaces from time to time. :-)

When I was a little girl I spent a lot of time alone, not by choice, but because my life situation was not favorable, and I was afraid to express my feelings to others. I was always taught that we keep our problems to ourselves, and that other people didn't want to hear about our sadness and our struggles. This made me learn to keep everything inside. Years of this took a toll on me, and eventually when I was about 10 I began to keep a diary of my thoughts. This was great... I learned that in my darkness I could only truly express my feelings to the pages of my journals. It was safe and sacred... or so I thought.

One day, my mother found my diary, and read it. She sat me down and went through everything from my incorrect spelling and grammar, to my personal feelings toward everyone around me. She mocked me for my crush on the red headed kid with the glasses who sat in front of me in class and my hatred of household chores. She punished me for my personal feelings, and told me that I was wrong - that my feelings of sadness or frustration were wrong. I had never felt more embarrassed or humiliated in my life. To this day, whenever I have a friend who is upset I make it a point to reassure them that our feeling are the only thing in this world that we will ever have be 100% entitled to. Because of this humiliation, I decided to teach my mother a lesson. I planted a fake diary talking about what a low-life someone had to be to read their own daughter's diary. I spoke of how insecure and damaged one had to be to do such a thing... I revealed that this book was nothing more than written words in a fake journal to a woman who raised me to have morals, yet didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions. I spoke of how sad it made me that she had to spy on me because she had no faith in me, and how incredibly offended I was by that. I know she read it... she had to. However, she never spoke a word of it to me, and she probably never will.

Even after this incident, I continued to write my feelings down on paper. It was my only relief - I just had to be sneaky about it. I look back on my old journals and sometimes it seems I wrote more news reports than personal feelings, just out of fear that someone would read these things and mock me for them.

I was severely abused as a child, and somehow I found out that journals held up in court as official evidence if something happened to me a member of my family. Because of this I continued to write about my struggle and my fights. I kept my journal hidden in a secret place. Only my best friend knew where it was. I made him promise me that if something ever happened to me he would be sure to find a way into my house to give it to the people who needed to see it. somehow even at the age of 12 I had already figured out how to live my life in survival mode.

Anyway, After all of this I became weary of the people who I should trust. I feared what they would say if they read my personal thoughts... and I still do. For this reason I hide behind a fake name in my blog. I am free to post my feelings here without worrying what will happen when someone else reads them. You can read all you want, but nothing leads you back to me. I love this kind of freedom.

I love everyday of my life, but sometimes a little bit of the darkness I used to feel creeps back into it. This blog allows me a way to talk about and release it when I have none of my close friends around to discuss it with. This is why I love so much when people comment on my posts. Your encouragement is the little nudge I need to let it go and move on with the day.

Currently in my life, there are a lot of amazing things going on. I am so excited waking up everyday that I can barely stand the anticipation of it. I will be graduating college in just one short month after almost 8 years of procrastination, failed financial attempts, and semesters taken off to work for a living. It took me such a long time but I am actually finishing what I started! I am so excited that I actually do "happy dances" in random places whenever i talk about it (I'm doing one now actually) :-) I made a massed effort to meet new people as most of my friends had left for good, and I had smashing success! I took up running while I was lonely and I ran my first 15k! I also learned that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought. Finally, I met a fabulous man who I am looking forward to getting closer to every day. He is one of the most genuine people I have ever met, and although we are taking it slow and not labeling things just yet, I absolutely love every minute I spend with him. Time will tell if this becomes something real, but in the mean time I am entering into this with an open mind, an open heart, baggage checked at the door, and the willingness to accept anything that comes my way. Life is absolutely fabulous!!!

I forgave him...

About 7 years ago, I dated a man (We will just call him Ray for the sake of anonymity). I met him when I was still in high school and we dated for about a year and a half. He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was hooked. We were polar opposites from the beginning, and it seems that the very things that brought us together to begin with were the same things that forced us apart in the end. When you are 18 and 19 years old there is no understanding of compatibility or true compromise. Blame is the primary way to handle arguments and disagreements. Our relationship ended very badly. I felt hurt and betrayed in a way that I never thought possible. I couldn't believe that someone could treat me that way. I don't want to go into the details of the specific reasons we split apart, but he never hit me or was abusive in anyway, our differences were strictly emotional. One day, however, I come across some information about him, decided I was finished, called him up and left 2 voice-mails to him in the middle of the night calling him out on every horrible thing he had done, and telling him to never talk to me ever again. I stuck with it. Several times he attempted to contact me over the years, and each time I refused. I wanted nothing to do with him...

I never really noticed how much I allowed this relationship to dictate my emotions. I have always had a hard time getting close to people. I was disloyal as a partner, I didn't trust anyone, and I was always waiting for someone to screw me over - sometimes going ahead and attempting to get them first. It was my own defense mechanism, and it destroyed so many relationships for me. Whenever I went home to visit my family I would panic if I heard he was possibly going to be the same place as I. I would walk completely around the long way to avoid his workplace and any chance of running into him. It was exhausting.

Last Christmas I went home to see my family and I decided to get my dad a bluetooth headset for his phone. They sold them at the place my ex worked, and I almost chickened out and went the long way again, but something in me decided that It was time. I mustered up all my courage, and forced myself to walk into this place and buy the bluetooth. Ray was right there standing by the counter when I walked in. He seemed excited to see me. He helped me with my purchase, and started talking to me about my life and his, until we started talking about his brother. His younger brother is in a wheel chair and doesn't get out much, so usually when I go home I try to take him out someplace just to get him out of the house (Ray has never objected to this friendship even after we broke up). So he mentioned that we should get together and drag his brother out. At first I was skeptical, but in the end I agreed.

I spoke to him through texts and phone calls over the next couple weeks, and I was surprised by how much he had changed. He told me the story of his most recent relationship and his betrayal by his son's mother and the hell he was going through to fight for joint custody of his son. I thought that hearing he was doing horrible would make me happy, but what I felt was something different. I felt bad for him. I'm sure the guy had plenty of bad karma coming to him over the years, but I am almost 100% positive he has paid the price for his mistakes and then some... I talked to him for a long time, and I listened to his problems, offering advice when I can. One night he even talked to me about the mistakes he had made with me and how incredibly sorry he was for everything he had put me thought. At first I was appalled that he finally decided to apologize after all this time. I thought I didn't need to hear it. As it turns out, I did.

I had been carrying around so much hatred and anger for this man for 7 years. I was over the relationship for sure, but somehow the insecurities I carried around with me had stuck, and I don't know how. I had to forgive him. I had to let it go. This is exactly what I did. In forgiving him, I could finally forgive myself for my own mistakes, and move forward. I talk to him quite often now - usually every week or so. Some of my friends don't understand how I could do it. It's hard to explain your reasoning to people who watched a bad situation with their own eyes. they can't seem to forgive him either... All I can say though is that I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It took me a long time to learn trust and loyalty toward the ones I love, and letting go of all that old pain and anger was the final step toward being able to accept these emotions into my heart. In the end, I find that I would rather open myself up to the possibility of being hurt by someone than to never feel trust and love in another person, whether they be a lover or a close friend. I will take any heartbreak in the world before I ever allow myself to go back to that numbness that I lived in for so long. Despite everything, I am a hopeless optimist, and I hope that never changes.

"I wish my life was easy like yours is..."

... That's what he said to me. I'm spoiled. I have had everything handed to me my entire life. He told me that I don't understand what it means to struggle. He called me promiscuous, and faulted me for the mistakes I have made. He told me I'm good for a fling, but not someone you date. And I have to see him all the time.


He comes disguised as my close friend, wearing his mask of lies. With friends like him, who needs enemies. With these accusations and the most insincere apology I have ever received I continue to entertain his company every weekend. He buys me dinners and drinks as a pity offering. He tries to place himself close to me as though he all of a sudden changed his mind. Forgiving him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I continue to be his friend like a sucker with no self respect. He goes out of his way for me and I return the favor, sitting in the ER with him when he sprains his ankle, driving him home after, buying his favorite beer at the store and inviting him to dinner. He offers me shelter during tsunami warnings and calls to check on my safety. He pays my bar tabs and gives me rides to the airport. He shows up at my house and drags me out of bed on weekends to go to the beach and head out on adventures. How long can we continue this charade of normalcy when our friendship has taken such a serious blow. I keep him close and at an arms length away - always expecting that at some point the bottom is going to drop out. His innocent comments are sometimes interpreted poorly and I can't help but take a stab back.

How long can this arrangement last when after a year of my friendship he clearly knows nothing about me... This place just gets a little lonelier everyday.

Is this a date?

I went on a date today, and I didn't even know it. I met a man the other night while I was at the mall and we got to talking for a while. He was still new in town and he suggested we go out sometime. I agreed and today I met him for brunch. The thing is that I have a lot of male friends that I hang out with all the time, and for the most part they see me as just one of the boys. I guess I kinda do now too because when he referred to me as his "date" I was so surprised I didn't know what to say.

I don't remember the last time I went out on an actual date - the kind where a man picks up the tab, picks me up, opens doors, and sits and talks to me. Somewhere along the way I think I became dating retarded. The men that I usually meet are the type who don't call me when they are sober, have girlfriends or a fiance that I didn't know about, or use me to fill in the space between girlfriends. I get to be fill-in girl while they search for a real girl to date. It's like I'm invisible to someone who is staring right at me, and it's a frustration I can not explain. Everyone has been in this position. My scars are not unique and my battle is not unusual. Knowing this doesn't make it any easier.

I'm Different, and I know it. I'm not typical, and easy to read. I'm complicated and impulsive. It's impossible to figure out if I'm coming or going and by definition, I'm a gamble to love. In a world where uniqueness is so extremely undervalued, I and many others who have the yearning for the unusual and the unconventional walk alone through life. I love people who are a little different. Their qualities appeal to me. The man who up and moves to Thailand because he always wanted to go, or decides to learn a new language or trade at the age of 30. Those who have seen the world, and have stumbled and fallen over and over again have a view of the world that can not be replicated. As people, our scars tell the story of our life far better than the list of our accomplishments ever could. The bumps and bruises we acquire along the way add pages to our stories that should never be left out.

I digress... I'm hanging in there. I am making new friends everyday, but I still miss the true friends who have left the island that I don't get to see anymore. I think my loneliness of missing them has lead me to actually want something more from the men I meet. I seek companionship that I no longer have in my friends here. I have come to realize that I don't do well with being lonely. I need to be surrounded by amazing people to share my days with. There is only so much I can do to keep distracted from this void in my life. But none of this is ever going to be possible if I keep showing up to a date not having any idea that I am on one. :-)Someday...

I found a letter...

I found an old letter last night. It both touched me and crushed me - simultaneously. Dug out from the ditches of my soul, long before my heart became tainted for the final time by a man who never meant me any harm. Isn't it strange how the ones who hurt us most do it with smiles on their faces - completely oblivious to the fact that they are doing any damage at all. Of course, they don't hurt us with the words they say, they do it with the words that they don't... They crush us with the affection they never showed, the phrases never uttered, and the gestures never made. They make us doubt our self worth, and question the validity of our own love: could it be real, could his be real, and do either of us deserve it anyway? I thought I had found the love of my life, only to have it gone 2 months later. It is this man that made me say "enough is enough, I give up" and he might have been the nicest, truest man I ever met. He understood me, and accepted my instability and impulsiveness as beauty instead of chaos. It was me, however, who couldn't accept his stability and mild mannerisms. I expected so much more from him... The letters speak of these beautiful plans and exchanging of hearts. The phrase "I'm not going anywhere" stares back at me from the paper with such an irony that I am forced to look away. "You might not be going anywhere, but I sure am..." It's almost as if I had been looking for a way out all along...

I still think of this situation, sometimes wondering if I had made the right choice back then. How is it that a person who will treat me with such respect and delicacy completely lacks the ability to speak to my soul? Why is it that the people who should mean most to us end up as the ones who we find the most disposable? My heart doesn't respond to reason, nor does it understand practicality. Instead it speaks fire - always seeking that spark to make it ignite. I understand the world in feeling more than I do in reason, and I respond accordingly. I can offer up no reasons for my actions other than "that's just not what I wanted." It's such a lame excuse to give to someone who literally traveled across the country just to be with me. All I can do is trust that the decisions I made were the best for me at the time. Maybe one day he could have been all I needed and more, had I been willing to wait. As fate would have it, however he ended up a mere signature scribbled down on a plain white sheet of paper in my scrapbook of lovers who I left along the way... And there he will remain...